The Infertility Journey To Motherhood

Florida and other stuff

2011-05-26T09:50:00.000-07:00

We just got back form vacation a few days ago....we went to visit J's parents in Florida and then went to Orlando for 4 nights...we couldn't get Nola out of the pool! Tank god for the zero entry not that it would have mattered....she would go running in up to her neck (with us following of course) and a ton of times she fell and went under and we would just pick her right up and she wouldn't even be upset...why cant she do that in swimming lessons? Thank god she loves the water, the beach will be a lot of fun this year!

When we got home I had to bring Nola for her 15 month check-up. I always dread these because of the shots...I cant bare to see her in pain...anyway..I knew that Nola was thin..But I mean tall and slender no sickly skinny - she doesn't have a big appetite and when she is teething she pretty much doesn't eat...Well she only weighed 20.8 which was a pound less than last time so now she has fallen off the "curve" so we have to go back in a month to get weighed....J was very concerned....I mean yeah I know she needs more fat and isn't a big eater but she also started walking and is very active....I think she will gain weight and be fine. I don't want to freak out about it. That's not going to accomplish anything...

She is hysterical...her personality has really started to come out...she laughs constantly and squeals with excitement and dances to anything musical...she is pure joy!

WOW...how time has flown

2011-01-27T11:48:00.001-08:00

I know I have been MIA..I don't know how you all do it...I cant seem to find enough time to sit here and write all I want to write....

Nola is 15 months old...I cant believe where the time has gone. She is the love of my life..she is more than that but words can not describe....

She walks, she laughs a lot, she hugs, she kisses, and her smile is infectious...I am not sure what I did with my life before her. Its not all roses all the time though....as I have said to many people being a mom and taking care of her is easy..its the sleep deprivation that is an absolute killer...Yes, she sleeps 7-5 or sometimes longer but when she is teething it is a nightmare..I never remember anyone telling me teething times could be so bad! I think her last bottom eye tooth is coming in and then hopefully the top ones wont be so bad....she is such a good, good little girl.

For now, this is all I have time to write...Ill leave you with some pictures of my Nola Bear and hope to post again soon....I check all your blogs all the time though to make sure you are all doing OK :-)

Stopping Time

2010-09-02T18:01:00.000-07:00

I wish there was a way to stop time...to make it freeze....

I knew when I got pregnant that this would more than likely be my only one...and when we found out it was our little Nola I knew we wouldn't have anymore. I still haven't had that feeling that I want to have another because its Nola I want to have all over again. I know that makes no sense to any of you I'm sure but...I love her more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone and I hate that she is already 7 months...

I'm a baby person...I want to freeze time right now...I want to freeze the smile that is plastered on her face every minute of every day. I want to freeze how she kicks in so much excitement when we walk in her room to get her from sleeping. I want to freeze how she giggles when I tickle her side. I want to freeze the mad women she has become in her jumparoo, up and down vigerously over and over (its hysterical). I want to freeze how she reaches for my face and brings it closer and I want to freeze how she giggles when swaddled when I kiss her lips.. I love her so much I want her to stay just he way she is.

I tell Jack (even though he already knows) that I don't want to have another baby, I want to have her all over again. She has been such a joy since the moment she joined the world...no colic, no crying spells, no nothing...just all smiles.

Is it terrible to be so sad that she is not always going to be little? I'm tearing up writing this just thinking about it...I know there are joys at each age but I want this age.

I looked at some old videos Jack took of Nola in her first few weeks and months and he squeals etc are the cutest thing ever and I already forgot what she was like somewhat and that was always my biggest fear if you ask him, forgetting.

I'm babbling I know...I don't post as much anymore because all my time when she is up is hers..and when she sleeps, I have to get things done so I am sorry I don't post as much. Anyhow, I just wanted to get that all off my chest.

Here are some recent pictures of my girl!

Happy 4th of July

2010-07-06T14:31:00.000-07:00

Nola is 4 months old

2010-06-12T09:24:00.000-07:00

Its been a little while since I had something post worthy...plus it seems like I am on here once a day reading but not posting...

Nola is doing wonderful - she is such a smiley, happy baby!!! She is still not sleeping through the night but I really don't care...she will be our only child (as I have mentioned before) and I try and savor every moment with her so if she wakes in the middle of the night, although I'm tired, I happily obliged and stare at her in wonder as I feed her.

She is now 4 months old and has started rice cereal 2 times a day...she is really funny with it and soo cute - I posted pictures of her first try! She is growing wonderfully... she is tiny at 12lbs 15oz but long at 24 3/4 inches...she is still in 0-3 clothing but in pj's (because they shrink) she is in 3 month and some 3-6...I still cant believe how tiny she is though...I have all these adorable suits in 3-6 that I am hoping she can fit into through the summer..especially her juicy couture one! hahah

We went to Florida with her to visit jacks parents in may and she did AMAZING! We were gone fro 10 days and went to 3 different cities...she never cried once on the plane and we had a lay over on the outbound and inbound flights. We landed in Tampa and went to his parents in Palm Harbor then after 3 days we drove to Disney and met my parents and my sister and bro in law and my 2 nieces and then after 5 days there we all drove to Punta Gorda to my parents condo's for 4 days and then home! She is truly a wonderful baby and I am not sure what I did in life to deserve such a great baby..whatever I did I am thankful.

Here are some pictures from Florida and her first try with rice cereal!

Random Post about Nola and Motherhood

2010-05-13T08:40:00.000-07:00

I havent posted a real post since I think before Nola was born...I either cant find the time or feel that I have nothing interesting that you would feel like reading. But as I sit here Nola is napping so I figured Id write an entry. Ill try not to make it too boring...

Nola is wonderful. I ask myself all the time what I did right in this world to be lucky enough to deserve such a beautiful, happy, wonderful baby girl? When I say that sometimes to people they say, you went through so much to get her of course that is why you deserve her. Yes, I know I went through a lot but that seems so long ago now that I dont think that is the only reason. She is way more special than that...I feel I had to have done something above and beyond to have someone who laughs and smiles at me the minute she sees me. See, Im one of the lucky ones that works at night (right now just 1 night a week) and can spend oodles of time with her. When she is awake all I do is focus on her and in turn I get the biggest smiles and the best giggles...but that is because we are always together and I smother her with attention...she will be my old child and for that she will get everything from me. I know that you love all your children but I cant imagine loving another baby as much as I love her. Please dont misunderstand me, I know I would but I cant imagine it cause my love for her is so undescribable.

Infertility is a sucky thing....but I will tell you, I dont even think of it anymore...it almost seems like it never happened. I cant believe I spent 3 years trying to have her and then got pregnant and she is already here...time does have a way of flying by. I am truely blessed with this little girl who steals my heart everytime I look at her.

3 MONTHS

2010-05-10T08:05:00.001-07:00

HAPPY 3 MONTH BIRTHDAY NOLA!!!

My Nola Bear!

2010-04-28T17:22:00.000-07:00

Im sorry I dont seem to write anymore...if it makes you feel better I hardly get on facebook...either we are out and about or Nola is napping while I run around and try and get things done... But I did want to post some new pictures of my Nola Bear!

New Nola Pictures

2010-04-05T13:07:00.001-07:00

ONE Month

2010-03-11T14:57:00.000-08:00

Nola Bear is One Month old! Where has the time gone?

I made an entry with my entire birth story and it never saved so when I actually feel like typing it out again I will but for now, Im too lazy! It was a great experience I will tell you. Contractions started at 2am on Super Bowl sunday and she was born at 9:53am!!

She is a wonderful baby! More updates to come!

She's Arrived

2010-02-14T09:13:00.000-08:00

I will be sure to make another entry and tell you the entire story but right now shes asleep on my right shoulder and I wouldn't dream of moving her because i cant help but want to be close to her - shes perfect! and I'm typing with my left hand and I'm a righty!!!!

But without further ado Miss Nola Lenaella Griffin was born Feb 7Th @ 9:53am. She was 6lbs 11oz 20 inches long! only 8 hours of labor which includes 45 minutes of pushing!

37 Week Appointment

2010-01-23T05:59:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was out 37 week appointment!

I had to have the AWESOME Strep B culture done. I am not sure about anyone else but with everything I read no one tells you they stick the cu tip in your but? Hellooooo that would have been information that I would have kindly liked so I was pre-pared! Jack had mentioned that he read it but I never did so I thought he was pulling my leg. Guess I should just learn to trust my husband! It was fine, the test takes literally 2 seconds!!!

At my last appointment that I told you about which was Monday the 11th I had lost a pound bringing me to 16 gained...yesterday I gained 1. So I back to a gain of 17 which is awesome...I am very proud of myself although I am not sure how that happened! Blood Pressure great and Urine great!

She said after the culture that she was just going to check to see if I had made any progress. I had told her that the night before I was having sharp pains middle abdomen and was not sure if it was Nola or what? She said it probably was her trying to get her head down!

She proceeded to do an internal and man did that hurt - she had to feel around really hard cause she could not locate my cervix! No matter how many times she told me to relax I just couldn't - it was so uncomfortable - which makes me realize how much labor is going to SUCK! Anyway, she said " Oh you have been very busy!" 3 centimeters dilated and cervix is realllyyy thin!!! She said she obviously cant promise that I would go early but she said it is likely....I told her all I wanted to know what how far past my due date she was willing to let me go...I wanted to have an end date in sight! She said because of the diabetes she would take me around my due date! GREAT NEWS!

Great appointment.....except for the cramping and spotting from the appointment...I forgot how much any type of internal appointment SUCKS!

Well, Ill leave you with a belly shot - not a great one but here is one indeed!

Sorry that I look so bad!

2010-01-11T11:51:00.000-08:00

We had an u/s this morning to check Nola's weight due to the gestational diabetes. She is doing so well besides being squished inside my small belly! hahahah

She is currently 5lbs 13 ounces which puts her in the 37Th percentile. So she is still a little on the smaller side which works for me as long as she is OK! She looked cute from what I could tell....hard to get a good visual when they are that big. She is head down but she has not dropped yet.

I have my culture for that strep thing next week.....but this week I lost a pound and my blood pressure and urine were great. The gestational diabetes has not really been a factor cause it was so borderline.

Besides that there is not much going on here. Her room is ready and I am still working! My last day will be the 21st so I will have 2 weeks off before her due date. But I will say we are pretty set to go - all I need to do is pack my bag.

I have to say she is soo funny - she moves sooo much all the time - its really an amazing thing to watch her!

My hands are still quite an issue but Ill be done work soon enough so.....here is another picture update!

32 Weeks!

2009-12-27T16:27:00.001-08:00

Sorry that I have been MIA lately. I am having such a terrible time with the pregnancy induced carpel tunnel - my right hand swells so bad that I literally cant type...anyway - here I am!

Things here are great. 33 weeks this week. I had my 32 week appointment last Tuesday and gained only 1 pound in the past 4 weeks for a total of 17! I'm doing pretty good if I say so myself! I thought I was going to gain so much more! She said she is going to give me an ultra-sound at 36 weeks to check her weight. Yeah - another chance to see Nola since its been so long. I know they say you cant see much cause she will be much bigger but I am still excited!

The gestational diabetes is under control - come to find out the only number that was off was my fasting number and she said it was only slightly but they wanted to be pro-active so it hasn't been hard to control....thank god!

Nola is kicking up a storm...I cant wait to see the cute feet that look like they might come out the left side of my belly!

Her room is coming along...still need some decorations and need to finish the curtains but besides that she is all set. All her swings, bouncy chairs, stroller and car seat and monitor and the rest of the good stuff is all put together and ready to go as well! I packed her bag today and just need to pack mine!

I know have wanted this for a long time but I cant help but be scared...I mean I am responsible for this little lady now for the rest of my and her life...that's a big thing! Its something that of course I want but cant help but be scared as well! I know Ill get over it the minute I meet her!

Our Baby Shower

2009-12-12T14:47:00.000-08:00

Better late than never - I haven't been able to write much because of the swelling in my hands but I am good today so here are some pictures of our baby shower that my mom put together with the help of my sisters on November 15, 2009. Place Card Table Hand Made Place Cards by my mom the artist! Picture of Baby Nola and the Shower Invitation at the place card table Our beautiful cake! The table with hand-made cards by my mom again so guests could write wishes for Nola and the center piece was the favor, Cream scarves for everyone! Diaper Cake made by my sisters! Jack and I Dad, Marica, Me, Jack, Meredith, Mom My parents and sisters and myself Jack & I with my noni (95) & nana (90)

Glucose Results

2009-12-12T14:22:00.000-08:00

I failed my first glucose test. I took my 2nd glucose test...you know the pain in the ass 3 hour one? Yeah - that one...last Friday...

I FAILED!

Now, I am writing this a week later when I am not half as mad as I was when they called. I mean, I have only gained 16 pounds and I have not gone over board with what Ive eaten at all so of course I'm pissed. I was on weight watchers for 2 years before I was pregnant so why would I want to watch what I eat when I'm pregnant too! This is the worst and meanest thing that could happen to a pregnant person!

So...I was so mad when the nurse called me last week to tell me I failed that I didn't even ask her any questions..all I did was yes, yes, OK..you get the point. So the Jocelyn center for diabetes finally called Thur to set up a time for the class. CLASS? I was like what class? I'm not taking an all day class about this!!! Its only an hour and a half - thank god!

The women who met with Jack and I was very nice even though I was still bullshit! She said all my numbers were fine except my fasting level which is the first one they draw after you haven't eaten for like 9 hours....and she said even that number was not that bad but she said my OB was being pro-active...you know what I say to that...! So suffice to say, I have to check my blood sugar 4 times a day. Once when I wake up then an hour after each meal. So far they have all been fine but I'm freaking hungry! And Jack went to the grocery store and spent an hour getting all this sugar free etc stuff for me - I'm not a happy camper.

I know I shouldn't complain about something like this because I'm fortunate to even be pregnant but I cant help it - literally I cant help but be pissed about it! I mean..takes forever to get pregnant and not to mention I had to do IVF to get there then my down syndrome test comes back all screwed up and I end up doing a CVS and then this. I have to say I LOVE being pregnant and watching her kick etc but I also cant wait til shes here!

OK - enough withe bitching - I'm done...it is what it is and I have to learn to deal!

Here are some recent preggo photos!

28 Weeks - Thanksgiving

28 weeks - Thanksgiving, Jack & I

28 weeks

30 weeks

30 weeks

Glucose Intolerance

2009-12-04T05:39:00.000-08:00

I'm writing to you from the hospital lab! I didn't pass my first glucose test so here I am for my 3 hour exciting test. Now, the orange drink wasn't too bad but this lemon lime one she gave me was awful, it was like drinking white syrup! GROSS!!!

If I don't pass this test I'm going to be pissed. I really don't mean to complain because I truly am blessed but I need to.....Its very frustrating to not be able to get pregnant in the first place and then I get pregnant and I cant pass a single test... I failed my downs test and ended up having a CVS and then we have the glucose test and I fail. Now I know its only 2 tests but can I for once, pass a test on the first try!

Besides that everything is great. Nola's room is getting there....just have to order the chandelier and rods and then a few more little touches and it will be all done. Its weird to look in that room now knowing there will be a baby in there someday. It seems so strange.

She is really moving up a storm!!! 2 nights ago for the first time my right side of my belly was off to one side since she was sitting there...its so cute. I have to admit that I love to poke my belly and then she pokes back - its funny its like she knows I'm there..I'm really trying to enjoy it all since this is the only baby I plan on having. Jack was worried cause I kept poking her so he admitted he looked it up online to make sure it was safe and of course it is - which I told him it would be ...he said it says its actually good for the baby cause it helps them interact with you...hahah well that's good cause I poke her a lot!

I don't know what anyone else did but I haven't done much or read much on labor. I'm to scared... I'm not taking the birthing class which the doctor said was fine but I try not to think about it at all cause it freaks me out. I literally have no tolerance for pain and I know its going to hurt like a son of a gun! But if I prepare it will be even worse so I am better of not knowing really...but I do dread it to the fullest!

Updates

2009-11-10T09:59:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone!

Sorry I haven't posted....there really has been nothing to report. We are just waiting for our appointment for Gestational Diabetes....my shower is Sunday and I am soo excited!

But anyway, here are some pictures of me at 26 weeks and Nola's room with all her furniture's the way it is going to stay. I need to set the crib up but since I don't have the mattress yet I just put the bumper in so I could see what it looked like - just need to decorate now!

H1N1 Question/Debate

2009-11-02T19:44:00.000-08:00

Can anyone of you out there please tell me what your thoughts are on the H1N1 shot for pregnant women - did you get it? Do you know someone who did?

I got the flu shot as I mentioned before and now my OB says I have to have the H1N1 shot and its really not up for discussion but I am not pleased. I dont know enough about it and I dont feel comfortable injecting that into me where it has not really been tested a lot.....Im getting mixed reviews from people and Jack told me to call and get a second opinion which I will do tomorrow before I go get it but I want to know about all you pregnant women out there or those who are not pregnant that may not more about this vaccine than I do!

HELP!!!

25 Weeks

2009-10-31T05:01:00.000-07:00

I had my 25 week appointment yesterday! We are both doing good - Nola was still beating steadily at 150! Shes such a good baby already!

Unfortunately I did have to tell the doctor that I fell that morning like an idiot! Like seriously, in the middle of target none the less....I broke the fall with my hands and right knee so Nola was not touched at all but boy was I embarrassed! What a loser! She told me I might want to get rid of the heels and get some flats! Yeah, I know but I haven't found any I like and I like heals! She also told me that I HAVE to have the H1N1 shot which I had no intention of getting! She was very adamant so they will be calling when they get it.

I gained 6lbs for a total of 14 which makes me not a very happy girl but what can you do? I'm still within the normal curve but if I already gained 14 whats going to happen in the end? And my belly is small so where the hell is the weight going? hahahah I guess I better slow down on the pizza ha?

Nola's room is all painted. I picked up the chair and ottoman yesterday so Jack could bring it up today when he gets home from Florida. I bought an area rug that matched the ivory chenille chair but I am not sure I like it? And her furniture will be here next Saturday! YEAH!!! Sooo exciting! Here are some before and after pictures of the paint. Then I will take more when her furniture is here!

Have a great and safe Halloween!!!

Nola's Room before we started painting!

Nola's Room Painted!

Nola's Room Painted!

Seeing Nola

2009-10-27T09:30:00.000-07:00

There really is not too much report - were still doing great over here. But I wanted to tell you all that we finally saw her kicking outside my stomach on Saturday!! I was so happy Jack got to see this finally - she is really a nut in there kicking and moving all the time! Last night after a very long day and Jack not being around when I went to bed I just watched my belly go! Sometimes I cant decide if Id rather watch the TV or her....its the most amazing experience.

Oh and her room is being painted right now as we speak. I took pictures of it empty and Ill take them while hes painting in stages - cant wait to see it finished with the furniture in it!

6 Months!

2009-10-24T07:35:00.000-07:00

I made it! I actually questioned that I would some days. I have to say I cant believe I am here...The other day Jack and I were driving in the car and he said "I cant believe were expecting a little girl"..it was soo cute. I said trust me, neither can I.

When you go through infertility it wipes away all those hopes and dreams. I know a lot of people say they will always be infertile and I too always will consider myself part of that infertility club but, don't hate me for saying so (this is just how I, personally feel)I feel like I am so blessed to be where I am that I don't think about it much anymore...its in the past and I will keep it there. It doesn't mean that I would ever say or do anything to make an infertile person feel less I'm just saying that my infertility is now in the past and I would like to keep it like that.
We only really ever planned on having one child so I'm not worried about the future of getting pregnant. I do know that being infertile has helped me help a lot of people and if that is something I can share into the future then in the end I will feel that it was all worth it. Well...worth it now of course when she kicks and worth it when we see her beautiful face for the first time. She will be the light of our life and for that, infertility, I am thankful. You do learn to appreciate things I think a little more....is that selfish or rude to say? I think sometimes people think I am nuts to always be touching my stomach or to always be referring to her as if she was here but I cant help it after everything. She truly is our little miracle.

I do hope and have faith that all who read this that have not made it to their miracle quite yet will get there. Whether it be by IUI, IVF, Adoption, Surrogacy, Donor Eggs etc. It does take a lot out of you and there will be a lot of times where you feel like this is it and you can't possibly go on longer, but you do, and it will happen when you least expect it too. Remember it took me 2.5 years to get here and there were plenty of times that I wanted to quit and did..but I always went back, because in the end I knew this is where I wanted to be.

With that said, here are some 6 month pictures of me.

6 months pregnant

This is a close up of me

This is a picture further away

Not a Great Day

2009-10-11T18:50:00.000-07:00

Today was not a good day....Today's bad day ended with me in the hospital!

I woke up this morning and when I went to the bathroom it felt like my abdomen or bladder really hurt. I thought maybe I help my pee to long haha and over filled my bladder...But, when I started to walk around the house I realized how much pain I was in. I made it downstairs but it was awful. Jack had just gotten back from a run so i explained to him how much pain I was in and that I had to go lay in bed.

We had my nieces first birthday party to attend at 1pm so I thought if I laid low I would be OK. I took Tylenol and laid down til 12. I got up to get in the shower and brought my computer over to my desk and had to sit down again because I was in so much pain! WTF was going on?!

I told Jack I had to stay home and lay low and that I called the on call doctor. I found it hard to believe that it could be round ligament pain - seriously? It felt like I was having a diverticulitis flair up or backed up gas or a muscle pull!!! She told me that it was probably one of those but to watch it and to call her later. I had no other symptoms that would have led her to believe anything else.

I sat on the couch literally all afternoon while Jack went to the party without me! I used the heating pad as she suggested and took a GasX. I was feeling a little better - at least not as bad as I was before. At about 5 I had to go to the bathroom so I got up and was like OK...I'm good but the minute I went to the bathroom I thought I would die - the pain was so bad that I hardly could walk back to the couch. I finally made it back and sat down and rested for a minute. Figured I better call the doctor again, there is NO WAY this is round ligament pain! Seriously, I couldn't even walk! So when I called her I had started to feel soo much better - no pain anymore at all! But she said since it happened when I went to the bathroom she wanted me to come in because she didn't want to miss it if I hard the start of an infection!

I called Jack to come home from watching the Patriots to take me. We got there at about 545 and they put me in a room...they had me go give a urine sample and then the nurse came in and hooked me up to a monitor to check Nola's heart beat and she was fine (which I knew cause she has been kicking up a storm all day)! Then she hooked me up to another monitor to make sure I was not having contractions - which I wasn't thankfully!

I was feeling like such an ass because I felt fine now at this point! And I was starving and pissed cause they said nothing to eat or drink unless I could see through it until they knew what was up. Finally at 8pm....the doctor came in and said my urine was fine (good!) and proceeded to press on my belly at all points. She said if it was diverticulitis, it would still be very tender (which I am aware of) and that it was more than likely - yes you guess it! - friggen round ligament pain! I was like seriously - that painful that it would cause me to not be able to walk? Really...she said, yes absolutely. She said some people don't have it at all and then some people can get it so bad its debilitating! Yeah, tell me about it! So they cleared me to go home!

I am so glad that nothing was wrong....although it annoys me that it was something so stupid! But, I'm so glad that Nola is OK and that is all I cared about. I will not let anything happen to her! Not after all this time!

So, now I am home, I had pizza and french fries for dinner which was awesome and Nola is kicking up a storm still...She is seriously so active its nuts! But, I'm so glad I went to the hospital cause I never would have forgiven myself if there was in fact an issue and I ignored it because I felt stupid!

Nola's Furniture

2009-10-04T15:35:00.001-07:00

I bought Nola's furniture today!!!

There is a picture below - it only shows the crib, hutch and armoire but we also got the night stand and 5 draw chest!!!!

Tell me what you think!

My Doctors Appointment

2009-09-30T13:04:00.000-07:00

So I've had this cold for 13 days now. It started as the normal cold with the sore throat and runny nose and then about 3 days later it seemed to have gone away. Then it came back 2 days after that but even worse....and then by Sunday it felt like it might be on its way out!!!! Oh but not so much - on Monday I got that cough.... You know the one that starts out hard and gives you a headache cause you cough so hard...but then Tuesday it turned into the one that starts to break things up inside the chest and you cant stop coughing!!!!

I figured I better try and go to the doctor...and Jack wanted me to get checked out in case since the baby. So today I felt slightly better but was able to get an appointment to get checked out by my primary care.

He was really nice - he was someone new...he did say that unfortunately its so much harder to fight a cold when your pregnant and that this could come and go for the last 5 months - fucking really (sorry for the language)? I don't think, actually I know, I cant live like this for the next 5 months.

He said everything sounded fine but my pulse was higher than it should be...he said it could be because I'm sick but he was still concerned...so he told me that he wanted me to get blood work so he could check my white blood count and to make sure that I am hydrated enough.

I also told him that I needed to get the flu shot and he said they had some there and I could get it done right away. He sent me on my way and I went to the desk and was able to get the flu shot in 2 seconds...now, he is where the issues lies....my OB had told me to make sure to tell them I need the one that is Thermosal Free..NOW - did I remember to ask that? Of course NOT!!!! But they did know I was 5 months pregnant!!!

So, Jack called me like 5 minutes ago and said did you make sure it was Thermosal free? I almost died!!! I didn't!!!!!!! So I hung up with them and called and the women who answered the phone put me on hold and asked the nurse. She said the nurse checked my chart and I got the pre-filled syringe that is Thermosal Free....Now, I am so thankful - BUT - what if they just said that? Can they do that - or would they not give out the incorrect info in case cause they could be sued? Cause right about now, I'm freaking!!!! I didn't even want the shot and now look what I did? What kind of mother am I????

20 week appointment

2009-09-28T09:19:00.000-07:00

Last week we had the anatomy scan which went very well!

Today we had the ususal 20 week appointment....

Urine - great
Blood Pressure - great
Weight Gain - another 4lbs (not bad)
Weight Gain total for 5 months pregnant - 8lbs.... Im guessing that is good? Oh and I will say yesterday I decided to try on my skinny jeans!!!!

Guess What?

THEY FIT!!! Well, let me clarify..they fit in the legs and the butt and just would nto button - but...Im cook with that - they fit over the 2 most important things that I dont want to change - my legs and ass! hahahah

Anatomy Scan

2009-09-22T14:06:00.000-07:00

Today was our 20 week anatomy scan...even though we know we are already having a girl we needed to do the routine check on the heart chambers and brain etc...She is looking great!

4 chambers of the heart, 2 sides of the brain, all the right bones in all the right places. She is perfect and she is still a girl! hahah

Here are some pictures of her from 13 weeks and (today) 20 weeks which I just finally figured out how to fix the scanner for!!!

This was Nola at our 13 week when we did the CVS. When she put the doppler on me she was upside down...Jack is convinced she was praying that I would be okay because I was so nervous.

13 weeks at CVS appointment

20 week appointment today

This is Nola in a 3D picture with her hands to her face. I thought she might be sucking her thumb because when she showed her on the regular u/s it showed her mouth making a sucking motion

This is her cute bum that shows she is out little girl, Nola

I am doing great and feeling great and feeling her kick more and more each day. Its the funniest thing that makes me giggle cause it tickles. I have to say I never thought that I would ever be here. I have faith that she will be okay and enter this world just the way she is supposed to. Anyway...here is 2 pictures of me on the cruise at about 18 weeks - I still look the same now but its wierd to have a little belly.

Me on our balcony overlooking Bermuda

Me in the lobby of the cruise ship

Thanks for stopping by. I have another appointment on Monday...I cant wait to see if I gained anymore weight other than 4lbs 3 weeks ago. Some of my stuff still fits buttoned below the belly but well see :-)

Hello

2009-09-15T05:54:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone!
I really don't have much to report, just felt bad because I hadn't posted in so long! We went on our last trip last week before Nola is born! We did a cruise to Bermuda out of Boston so I would not have to fly anywhere! It was a really great cruise and it was hot as hell in Bermuda! I have to say - everyone always told me that sitting in the sun is different when you are pregnant but I was not sure I believed them or was not sure that would apply to me since I am a sun worshiper....HOWEVER, I could not last longer than an hour it was soo fricken hot!!!! I had to sit in the shade most of the time!hahaha something I am definitely not usto to! I still managed to get a tan but it was tougher than normal!

It was smooth sailing except for the last day at sea on the way home. I know the Atlantic is rough, I have taken this cruise before BUT, OMG, I have NEVER been sea sick ever until last Thursday when I threw up 3 times...apparently pregnancy and rocky boats don't mix hahah!

We are now home until she is born - have to finally get her room cleared out because it is currently our spare bedroom! I have finally finished registering and ordered the baby shower invitations! The only thing I cant seem to decide on (I'm a horrible decision maker!) is bedding - the ones I like are $300 or more and the others that are more inexpensive I like but cant make a decision. Do I just order it and let it come and if I don't like it return it? UGH!!!!

This is the crib and changing table I decided on....I know they are old fashioned but I love it!!!!

Besides that - I have decided on nothing - except all the clothes that I keep buying her! I cant help it!!! Girls clothes are too cute! Tell the retailers to stop making such adorable clothes and I will stop spending!!! hahahah

100th Post

2009-08-25T07:04:00.001-07:00

WOW!!!!

My 100th Post!

And I feel terrible that its nothing exciting....

Had my 15 1/2 week appointment yesterday. Apparently that would have been the appointment where they would have done more testing but since we had the CVS we didn't need to do it! So we listened to Nola's heart beat and talked to the doctor for a few minutes and we were out of there!!!

She said I finally gained weight...me? On the low end of the curve just catching up?? I never had a problem gaining weight before until now so that was kind of cool, I have gained 4 pounds. My blood pressure was great and my urine tested negative! She said I am measuring right on schedule and all is great so far!

4 months down! I never thought I would be here. I guess Nola was the one that wanted to stay! As long as she stays snuggled in there for rest of the time, we will be good!

We cant wait to meet her!

The Dress

2009-08-20T07:51:00.000-07:00

Ok - Here it is...I have another dress that might be better but tell me what you think honestly!

Not much to report

2009-08-20T07:39:00.001-07:00

I haven't written in over a week because I feel I have nothing interesting to say....Nothing new is happening really...Made it to my 15th week which is a big deal for me! I have a wedding this weekend and I am struggling with what to wear. Of course there is no hiding the belly I just feel soo weird with it sticking out. I have spent the last 5 years trying to make sure my belly was flat in dresses like this so its hard to see it sticking out...its cute but weird!

Cant seem to get the picture to load onto my computer so as soon as I do Ill post it for opinions. I have another one that is better for the belly but I feel like it shows a lot of back fat! Tell me what you think and be honest..I have a few other dresses or I can go shopping for a new one (not that I want to).

I haven't felt her kick yet...I'm trying to make sure I pay close attention to my belly so I don't miss it if it happens early. I have of course already started shopping and I am finishing up my registry on Friday so that is out of the way!

I just booked our last vacation before she is born. We decided on a cruise out of Boston to Bermuda since I have the worst anxiety about flying. I figured it would not be good to get her all messed up from my anxiety. We were able to get a balcony room and I am soo excited!!! It will be nice to relax. Drive 45 minutes to the cruise and hop on! Sounds relaxing to me as long as a hurricane doesn't hit!hahah

Well, anyway like I said, life is status quot right now. Have doctors appointment on Tue so Ill let you know how that goes...not sure what they are going to do?

NT Scan Results

2009-08-10T18:48:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday they called me with less than appealing NT Scan results. The nasal bone was clearly present and the fluid measured a perfect 1.3 but when she called she told me that my blood work for my age should show a risk of
1 in 315 and mine was...
1 in 91.....tears...

Now I understand that its just a 1% chance the baby might have Down Syndrome and the test is there to show if you might be at an increased risk but after everything we have been through - SERIOUSLY????

We then had a decision to make....

1) say Thank You and move on
2) go to a genetic counselor...

We chose to go see a genetic counselor with the likelihood that we would have a CVS done that day BUT with the option to back out of course. The genetic counselor they use was not available but on vacation so they asked if I could go Friday to Tufts Medical in Boston. Of course we made ourselves available....

10:45 we found ourselves at Tufts in the waiting room...some there for their regular check-ups and some there for the same reason as me and some crying at the possibilities. We wait 45 minutes to be seen which of course makes it so much worse!!!

She was so super nice and caring but I thought genetic counseling would be more than it was...I thought we would talk about the CVS and Amnio (which we did) and then she would go over our results and why/how they came back elevated (which she did) and then go over family history, then do another U/S then re-calculate our risk. They didn't do that...she basically just talked to us about the items above and then told us we would have to make a decision right then and there if we would like to have a CVS since I was 13 weeks and 2 days and it cant be done any later. I could opt to go home and wait 2 more weeks for an amnio.

Risk of miscarriage for a CVS is 1 in 100 and Amnio is 1 in 200....Basically the same % that it is that they baby even has downs...but I had to know...I could not just walk away without doing something.....is it slightly safer for an amnio, yes, but CVS's are safe too...so I decided to do it right there and then.

AS you all know I'm a frady cat....Well, the unknown is worse than the actual procedure...I was FREAKING! Once we saw the baby I wanted to back out. I was thinking she looks fine...but if looking was all it took then they would know she was fine and wouldn't make me do the CVS right? I made the doctor tell me every step she was doing, which she did and you know what - the CVS was the least painful procedure I have had in the 2.5 years I have been struggling to get pregnant!!!

So then comes the wait...it would take about 24 hours for the results so she said she would call Tuesday. OMG, the wait is excruciating! Especially if you have anxiety like I do...What would I do if the baby was sick? This was not how I have thought of our life? Jack is never home cause he works so much - how was I going to care for a child that needs all that special attention? What would the severity be? I had to try and focus on the fact that there was a 99% chance in our favor!

So, I was at my sister's pool yesterday and at 3pm the phone rang and as soon as I saw the number I knew it was her....I was nervous but picked it up right away...

Amy - Hi
Me - Hi
Amy - How are you?
Me - Good, you?
Amy - Good, the baby is fine!
Me - shaking I'm so happy - OK, so what is it?
Amy - Are you sure you want to know...
Me - ABSOLUTELY!! (in my mind I'm thinking, we want a girl, but I know its going to be a boy cause everyone said that's what they thought)
Amy - Its a GIRL!!!!!!!
Me - tears.....

She said she would call in 14 days with the rest of the results but that these basically said the baby is fine, definitely no down syndrome.

My poor sister and niece, I ran out of there like a bat out of hell and jumped in my car. We live on the same street which I should have been driving slow on but I bombed down the street and Jack was fixing the deck and he was watching me like WTF? I was peeling into the driveway!

I got out of the car and said "She called" and he said yeh...and I said "She is fine"! Now, let me tell you - in 10 years of being together I have never seen him react that way - it was like he won the lottery!!! He yelled and his eyes welled up and he hugged me! It was the best moment of our life up until now!

My baby girl Nola....

13 Weeks

2009-08-09T10:00:00.000-07:00

I can not figure out what is wrong with my printer/scanner so I had to take pictures of the u/s pictures so I could post them. They might be kind of blurry but its all I have for now.

Baby Griffin was upside down on its knees with the hands to the face. Looks like the baby is praying. This was how the baby was when we first started the ultra sound

This was baby griffins 2nd position which happened like 10 seconds later.

This was baby griffin's 3rd position in like a minute. Baby G was moving soo much it was hysterical!

After the third position he/she was arching its back and stretching. I never thought that I would ever be able to see something this amazing. My dad keeps telling me it looks like a girl from the profile which I think is soo funny! We would love to have a girl but when I look at it I think it is a boy...hahah who knows right? Well know on Tuesday.

Here are some shots of me...they are not very good!

My belly is sticking out much more than most people 13 weeks pregnant! Dam all those IVF drugs! hahah ( I can still pretend right?) hahha

NT Scan

2009-08-04T07:17:00.000-07:00

On Friday we had our NT Scan. I was so nervous (as usual).....our u/s tech was the one that did the first u/s and was sooo nice - she was like "don't be nervous, it will be fine"...

Oh...Baby Griffin is soo cute!!! At first I was worried because it looked like Baby G was having convulsions but the tech said she/he was just moving around...Baby G cooperated very well for the tech so she could do the measurements and then she surprised us again and threw on the 3D!!! I swore I thought I saw a penis...hahah but I asked her about the sex and she said although it is formed it is too small to see so she doesn't bother looking because she would not want to mis-inform us. Bummer....guess well have to wait another 2 months!

She gave us pictures of the 3D and 2 of beautiful Baby G's side view...everyone that has seen the pictures says the profile looks like a girl..hahah (I will post them as soon as I can figure out what is wrong with the scan on my printer).

I asked her when we get the results and how do they measure this? I knew the answer but since she didn't mention the measurement I wanted to get her to tell me. She said that they want it to measure under 2.5 (which you all already know) and that Baby G did which was very good. Now we just have to wait a week for the blood work results!

I am feeling so much better these days but of course today I feel yucky! I need to get so much done and don't feel like doing any of it! Jack and I had a nice 4 days up at the beach....I cant believe how big my belly is already for 13 weeks. Thank god everyone else that was on these drugs is the same way. If you are not yet pregnant - be prepared if you get pregnant via IVF or IUI with shots....the minute you find out you are pregnant your belly will be bloated, unless you are just lucky and it never bloats! Its not that big of a deal but it would be better if it was hard so you actually knew I was pregnant and not just getting fat! hahah

A Little Freaked

2009-07-30T05:54:00.001-07:00

So last night at work - here is why I am freaked....

The tables that we have outside the bar that I was waiting on have a step up to get into them - a couple sat themselves there while it was dirty so I had to go clean it while they were sitting there which means stepping up on the lip/step up while I reach across to clean as far as I can...now my stomach is kind of against the booth/table part right at my mid-section and I slipped...causing me to smack my belly right where it hurts/counts...so of course I was freaking out. I tried to remember my little shrimpy is very small and probably didn't even feel the bump cause it really wasn't too bad.

To make sure I always listen to her/him with the doppler before we go to bed at night and she/he is always at a hear rate of 170-180 but last night it was 160's so I checked this morning to make sure and it was 150's so now I am panicking...did I hurt the baby? Is it just early in the morning and he/she is just getting up or is it just a fluke?

We have an appointment for our NT Scan tomorrow at 945 so I am going to see a little later on if it gets stronger??

Did this happen to anyone? At what stage do their heart beats slow anyway - I thought it was like 18 weeks?

2009-07-27T09:01:00.000-07:00

I sort of feel like I am not sure what to post about anymore...I don't want to make people that follow me that have not yet gotten pregnant feel bad but the only thing to talk about with what is going on with me is about pregnancy...Ill try to keep it simple as to not offend anyone...I am and will always be infertile. I did not get pregnant the easy way at all. In the end the IVF was not that bad but it would have been a lot easier if it had just happened....but I hope I can still lend advice and encouragement to those who are going through IUI and IVF in hopes to ease some concerns etc.

I have the NT scan on Friday....I'm kind of freaking out about it...I mean I am sure everyone who does it is nervous ....just because you end up getting pregnant does not mean that the worrying and anxiety stops...there are still so many things that can happen. I am sure everything will be fine but its still an uneasy feeling that you have. After all this time and all the things we had to go through to get here lets hope God can bless us one more time with a healthy baby!

We are going to go to the Cape or Maine after the appointment for a few days which will be nice - hopefully they will give us some sort of idea at the u/s as to what we are looking at?

The nurse practitioner told us that we could not travel out of the country after 20 weeks...we had not really planned on that information. We were going to go away one last time in November but that means we have to go before Sept 28Th which is my 20 week appointment???? She said it was because before 20 weeks if something were to happen there is really not much they can do but after 20 weeks there is a lot they can do and we need to be somewhere medical help is the same as the U.S which leaves no where we wanted to go! hahah So...what I think I am going to do is next appointment with the doctor herself I am going to ask her if the first week in October would be OK. There is a great 9-10 days cruise out of Boston or NJ that goes to the Caribbean and its cheap and I can avoid getting on an airplane which is TOTALLY key! I actually felt kind of selfish and stupid because she said after all it took you to get here you wouldn't want to jeopardize it...of course I wouldn't but I guess we were thinking were not high risk so why would we think something would happen?

Anyway - anyone else been told this? I have been on plenty of vacations and seen plenty of preggo's that are farther along than 20 weeks....and I am not a high risk pregnancy so what gives???

Its been a long time coming......

2009-07-22T06:10:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone....

Sorry its been so long since I have made a post. I know you all understand why I was away but I thank you for your patience.

I have still been reading all the blogs I follow everyday!!!

So, as you know...I went in May 20Th for my retrieval and May 25Th for my transfer. We transfered one "GORGEOUS" (as the doctor said) embryo - she said the middle which becomes the fetus was a B and the outside which becomes the placenta was an A....

So, of course, I started taking pregnancy tests 4dp5dt....and I am sure you have all guessed it by now but....

I'm Pregnant

We are soo happy!!! I know I was one of the lucky people to have been able to only do IVF once and become pregnant but after the 2.5 year battle I am so relieved. We even had 2 to freeze!!!

I am fortunate that I picked a wonderful doctor and they have been soo accommodating in letting me come every week and if not every other! The hear beat is nice and strong and has been from the beginning. The first u/s at 7 weeks was 156 and now its been 175-180 consistently!!! I rented a Doppler too and am able to hear the baby all the time!!!

I have to say it was funny at my 8 week...the u/s tech flipped a switch and showed us the baby on the 3D u/s and it literally looks just like the books say - like a little shrimp! So I have been calling her/him Shrimpy!

Anyway, that's all for now...Ill be back to posting, although I will understand if you don't want to read anymore since it will probably be about pregnancy sometimes but I hope you all still do. Forget to mention that I am currently 11 weeks.

You have all been my life line through this...when no one understood you all did and you have no idea how great that is!! Thanks!

The Best Way to Do Your Shots!

2009-06-10T18:08:00.000-07:00

OK LISTEN UP!!!- this has nothing to do with me per say...but I have been reading all sorts of blogs for so long and there is one thing that I just don't understand!!! WHY does everyone insist on doing their shots in their stomach where it hurts??????? I have left numerous comments on blogs trying to help people but I still see all these blogs with people doing shots in their stomach.

For my first IVF if you followed me I had 17 eggs retrieved and the entire time I did ALL shots in my thighs...alternating every night and I did the HCG shot in my thigh too - hence why I never felt sick and never got bruises!

So I'm telling you all after 4 IUI's and so far 1 IVF - DO THE SHOTS IN THE THIGH!!!

TRUST ME!!!!!!!!!!

Progesterone Oil Shots!

2009-05-31T13:16:00.000-07:00

All I have to say there is nothing like a protruding belly...oh wait - it would be great if I were actually pregnant...

A protruding belly from this stupid shit called PROGESTERONE OIL! WTF!!! I mean being pregnant and have a little belly is one thing but when you are not pregnant and you have a little belly - NOT COOL!!

Did anybody do anything that helped the bloating? Its not awful but its enough to be completely annoying in clothing and bathing suits....

If you have any suggestions, besides stopping the PIO, please let me know!!!

Secret

2009-05-26T12:26:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone!

I wanted to add something to my last post but figured I would just make a new entry. I wanted to let you know that I kept the date of my beta a secret because that is something that I don't plan on sharing at this time.

Jack and I made the mistake of sharing the news of our first pregnancy over 2 years ago with everyone. This time we have decided that we are not going to tell anyone but our family. There are too many people that read my blog at this time and its not that I don't want to share I just don't want to have to explain to everyone if I have another miscarriage or whatever...

I hope that everyone understands and can be supportive of this. I will try and post but we will see how that turns out. Know that I am obsessed with reading everyone else's blogs and will continue to do so and will still comment - you just might not see a post from me for awhile.

Thank you so much for all your support and love through my first IVF journey. I definitely could not have made it without all that support, love and advice! Best of luck to you all!!! Much Love

My Day of Transfer

2009-05-26T06:12:00.001-07:00

I brought my journal with me so I could write down exactly what was going on so I wouldn't forget to write it all.

I woke up at 730 so I could get to acupuncture at 830.

When we got there at 830 exactly and the phone rang. It was RSC confirming my transfer appointment for 11AM - have to be there at 10AM. She asked if there was anyway we could get there earlier? I said I am currently walking into acupuncture and that as soon as we got out I would head there......Acupuncture was great...a little rough when she got to the abdomen where the uterine lining is!

We arrived at 940 and got comfortable in our area of space. Kathy (the awesome nurse from Wednesday was there) and she got us situated and gave me my water to start!

940 first glass of water and was given my Valium
945 first glass done
I was eating saltines so I could make my mouth dry so it would be easier to guzzle the water.
955 second glass of water done and on to 3rd
1000 finished water

I was feeling a little sick from drinking it that fast..hahah

Went in for u/s at 1000 to see if my bladder was full...certainly didn't feel it...and low and behold it wasn't. Bummer...now onto my fourth glass - and now I am going to PEE MY PANTS!

The nurse came and and told me to get undressed from the waist down and that they would be in shortly..really - I'm dying here!!

Now its 1022 and they are almost ready - I cant wait to hear the embie results!

They are back and ready with my full bladder - here are the embie results:

We wanted to transfer only one and she said that one is "GORGEOUS"! The center of the blastocyst (inner cell mass) will become the fetus and was graded an A and the surface cells that surround the center (trophectoderm) which will become the placenta were a B. She said it was a great blastocysts! And she commented that the transfer could not have gone better. I was able to watch on the screen as they put my little embie in its perfect spot. She said that the embie is the size of a fleck of dust..interesting ha?

As for the other 13 fertilized...I guessed 6 would make it, Jack guessed 7, My sister guessed 9 and "We Have Angel Wings" guessed 7....

None of us were right...she said there might be 2 that will be able to be frozen. One is looking really good and there is another that is lagging behind but could get to the point where it could be frozen. She said they had looked at them at 730 in the morning so a lot could change...She said that there will maybe be 2 - cant promise but it was looking good! She said they will review them again and if there are any viable to freeze they will do so and send a letter out letting us know how many, if any. SO now, of course I'm dying to get that letter!!!

Here are some pictures of our day!

I saved the best for last...My "GORGEOUS" Blastocyst!

The Start of a Great Day

2009-05-25T04:42:00.000-07:00

7:42 am - Up and getting ready for acupuncture and transfer (scheduled for 11AM)

*cant wait to find out how many embies made it..my guess 6, Jacks guess 7 and my sister Marica's guess 9*

To Be Continued.....

A 5-Day Transfer It Is!

2009-05-23T07:56:00.000-07:00

I went to acupuncture today at 8am in anticipation that I would be going in for my 10:40 transfer but while I was in acupuncture they called to tell me the Embryologist is comfortable because there is enough embryo's to push me to a 5 day transfer...Yeah I think...I don't know what that really means but it also makes me nervous because how many die off between now and then? Also, I want/need to freeze at least one and I am not sure what stage they have to get to in order to become freezable???

If they make it to a 5 day can they then be frozen or does it have to get past even those 5 days in order to be frozen? AND, if you do a 5 day transfer is your Beta earlier than 12 days?

Help me??? So many questions!!

The Results Are In

2009-05-22T19:44:00.000-07:00

and.......wait for it........I'm sooo excited........

13

She said they are all pretty good too and that they are going to probably bump me to a 5 day transfer. Now, to be honest, I have read so many blogs that all want a 5 day transfer but I dont' know what the difference is and what it means?

BUT I DON'T CARE!!!!

I was so worried that none would fertilize that I am just happy that 13 did and she said it was amazing and awesome!!!

YEAH EMBIES!!!

Progesterone Oil

2009-05-22T11:35:00.000-07:00

I am still waiting for them to call with my embryo results....

But, the reason for this post is the Progesterone Oil...Not only am I in pain - is my ass swelling?

Retrieval Day Done!

2009-05-20T11:29:00.000-07:00

HI everyone!

I did it - I made it through retrieval! I thought I was going to back out - I actually asked as she laid me down on the operating bed...can I back out? She smiled and said no softly and laid me down..hahah

They all knew I was soo nervous. My legs and body were literally shaking. But the nurses were so nice I couldn't have been in better hands.

As you all know I was afraid of going under since I never had been before. When I laid down he said I am going to start the anesthesia and I was like already? He said you wont feel it for another minute. I said ohh burning in the throat and they said its from the anesthesia..I closed my eyes and opened them and then closed them again and the next thing you know I was waking up - I was dreaming about Grey's Anatomy...apparently I was mumbling about it...Cant tell you but I was either a doctor or the patient! hahah soo funny!

I asked Jack the same questions like 3 times! One of them was the good ole "How many eggs"? To be honest...when they called me they said I had 16 follicles and would probably get 7-9 mature eggs. He said they got 17!!!!!!!!!! you heard it 17!!!!!! Now I don't know if that means 17 mature ones or what but they got 17 and that was more than I ever thought they would get so I was happy.

Now if I can just get between 3-5 to fertilize EXCELLENTLY than I will be one happy person!

I cant believe I am sitting here and its already mostly over. The transfer to me is the easy part - just like an IUI...and then the dreaded 2ww. But to be honest with all of you...I'm just happy I made it through this so if it doesn't work the first time, I know what to expect and I will be able to do it again...let's just hope I don't have to!

** Oh, I don't mean to brag but I forgot to mention how AWESOME my HOT, LOVING husband is - I could'nt do this without him...hahah **

Retrieval Day

2009-05-20T05:10:00.000-07:00

Its retrieval day - in exactly 1 hour and 49 minutes and I am totally FREAKING out!!!

For those of you that know me you know I have a big issue with anxiety. Well, I'm trying to control it but its not working...I hate the unknown - its making me sick to my stomach literally...I'm getting pains there and then it moves to my ovaries. I am trying to not think about it cause I don't want to ruin anything but its sooo hard!

The anticipation is a killer - shoot me now!

I hope its over in a flash.

Ill update you all later...Wish me luck :-)

The Time Has Arrived

2009-05-18T13:44:00.000-07:00

Its here!

I had my last u/s & b/w appointment today and I was just informed that I am done. I am to trigger tonight and my retreival will be Wed morning at 10AM.

THis morning on the screen it looked as if I had:

Left Ovary: 18,16,15.5,15.5,14,14,13,12,10 (these are guesses based on what she said quickly)
Right Ovary: 19,18,16,15,15,14,12 etc....

So today when she just called she said estrogen was 1,689. She said there were 16 follicles total and that I will probably have 7-9 mature follicles. . Im a little dissapointed? Doesnt that seem awfully low and what if they all die and none make it cause there is such a small amount? Ugh - this is nerve wrecking!

Well anyway, there is nothing I can do about it now. As you all know I am freaking about going under and now she tells me its like a twilight sleep - you are not completely out? And its for like 15 minutes. SHOOT ME NOW! I hate this as it is so now I cant decide if I want to be out or I want the twilight sleep? Those of you that have done this before - HELP!

2nd Ultrasound Check

2009-05-17T13:39:00.000-07:00

This morning at 915 I had my second u/s & b/w for my first IVF cycle.

Its funny, I felt some pressure the past 2 days especially on my left side so of course I expected to see a TON of LARGE follies...not so much (not bad though)....

My lining is 10
My Estrodial i 1,033
My LH is .07
Left ovary 16,14,13,12,11.5,10 (4 less than 10)
Right ovary 15.5,15,14.5,12.5,10.5 (5 less than 10)

When she called to give me the results I told her that I understand every body's body is different but how am I doing? She said that I am responding excellent to everything! I thought based on what I saw on the u/s screen that they would have me do 2-3 more nights of shots but she said they just want me to do one more tonight and come back tomorrow for a check-up again. She said although she is not my doctor my retrieval will probably be Wednesday or Thursday.

I cant believe it...I actually get butterflies in my stomach when I write that. I try not to get to excited because it does not always work on the first try and I am only putting one back in so....well see. I honestly just hope I have at least one or two to freeze so I don't have to do the shots and BCP's if this first try does not work.

Do you wonder like I do why it wouldn't work? There is nothing wrong with either of us besides my lower hormone levels...you would figure we'd be a shoe it right? But, with that said wouldn't you figure if that was the case that we'd be a shoe in to get pregnant the good ole fashioned way or through IUI? Guess again - apparently nothing wrong is not enough.

Stay Tuned...

First Check-Up After 4 Nights

2009-05-14T21:14:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone!!!

I had my first u/s and b/w today after 4 nights of 225 units of gonal.
(Those are not my follicles above)

U/S tech said my lining was 8.3 and they like to see anything over 8.
She said that on the left ovary we have 9 follies...the largest measuring at 9 (they say they don't count them until they measure over 10) And on the right we have 6 follies with the largest at 8.
My estrogen was 286 (no idea what this means now)
My LH was .4 (no idea what this means now either)!!

I guessed it before hand...3 more nights of .5 Lupron & 225 gonal and another appointment on Sunday morning.

I think things are progressing nicely...I'm excited to see what Sunday brings!

2 Days Down....

2009-05-12T06:17:00.000-07:00

This is me on night one (Sunday) of stims...I had no idea how to use the gonal-f pen as I have always mixed me own cocktails! Who knew drugs could be soo easy!! Don't I look excited! haha - well see how long that lasts!

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Last night was day 2 on 225 units of gonal. I have my first appointment to check my follies on Thursday morning...very exciting! I am feeling soo much better since off the pill and AF came and went. Its amazing how crappy I feel on the pill. I felt so fat and miserable and now I feel like my old self...Lets see how long that lasts. I gave myself a nice, nasty bruise on my right thigh last night from my shots! Yuck!

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I wanted everyone to know "Thank You" for your advice with the exercising....I did call the doctor and they told me I was fine to go whatever I want while on stims...but I have decided that I am not sure Hot Yoga is for me. I am going to try regular yoga this week - I think that is more of what I want, something more relaxing. I am still walking at least 3 times a week...that has made me feel better too! So....as of now, I am still going to do some form of exercise and will do so until its uncomfortable. Thank you everyone for worrying about me and giving me the advice, I appreciate it and will make sure that I am always careful!

Ready for the next step!!!

2009-05-09T13:38:00.000-07:00

I'm a little late posting this but it was the first time I have had a chance to sit down and write an entry.

I had my suppression u/s & b/w on Thursday morning. My lining was 6 and she said there were a lot of little follicles on each side...basically nothing much going on in there! Which is great - just how we want it!

I had a few questions about some things, especially the Gonal Pen since I have never used it before....the u/s tech told me to just ask at the front desk and they can call and see if someone from my team can come answer a few things for me. I asked the old bag at the desk that if someone was available I would like to ask a few questions and she said "if you want to talk to someone your best bet is to call them". I looked at her and said oh thanks for being so helpful and walked out - Bitch! I was so pissed - but whatever!

I thought for sure they would have me start my shots that night but they didn't. I got the call that the Embryology Department reviewed everything and would like me to lower my Lupron to .5 and start my 225 units of gonal on Sunday night!!!!

I have to say I am very excited! I am trying to control it though cause I don't want to be disappointed...just because she said I have a 50% chance of getting pregnant doesn't mean anything really.

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On another note...I went to my first Hot Yoga (Brikam Yoga) class yesterday! WOW - do you sweat! I was drenched by the end...BUT - I burned almost 600 calories in that one class. I couldn't move today but hey - whatever! I am not sure if I like it though...I am going to try it for the next week to see what I think..I think now that I went and know what the positions are I will like it more and more....

I did call my RE to ask if there are any limitations involving exercising at this point - because I started walking/running again. I always worked out a lot before but have fallen out of the loop so I want to make sure I am cool starting all that up again especially with the 225 units I will be pumping into myself starting tomorrow.

Good News - they said everything is fine as long as it is in moderation. Once I get pregnant she said we will need to re-evaluate.

Which brings me to this....what are you all doing out there? I - once pregnant - will only be going walking...I'm too scared to miscarry again even though there is nothing that you do that makes that happen...I don't want to put undo pressure anywhere on my body. I would like to find a regular yoga studio and just continue to walk...Once I actually get pregnant, I will do nothing but take care of my and that growing baby!

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I think that is about here for me....Ill keep you all posted...I will say I hope that I am on over achiever like Murgdan - 20 fertilize eggs would solidify me never having to do gonal or go under for years! hahahah

Suppression Appointment - CHECK!

2009-05-07T07:03:00.000-07:00

Had my suppression check this morning....The Ultra Sound tech (although not a doctor) said everything looked so great - and boring hahah...she said that I will probably be starting my shots tonight!

Woo Hoo....IVF here I come!

Even jewlery made me feel bad

2009-05-04T17:19:00.000-07:00

Has anyone ever heard of Pandora Jewlery? They are amazing charm bracelets but different than the typical one...HOWEVER, they cost a fortune...like $1,000.00 - the charms themselves cost like $50.00 each..

Anyway...on with my story...I have wanted one of these forever but obviously cant drop $1000.00 on a bracelet so today I was at the Paper Store (Hallmark Store) and they just re-vamped the store to include an entire jewlery section.

Well, there is this jewlery section called Chamilia..its basically the exact same thing as Pandora but slightly cheaper...so here is the point of the story.

I asked the women behind the counter about them and was saying I was very excited to find them locally and now I know I can ask for gift cards etc so I can save up to get ome...and she says "well mothers day is coming up" you could get one for that?

I said...I am not a mother...and in my head said - thanks for reminding me......

Drugs at work

2009-04-30T20:50:00.001-07:00

Don't be fooled by the title....

Have you ever had to mix your drug cocktail while literally working at a bar? Nope, oh don't worry I have - Ill tell you how it goes...

Me (to my sister-my coworker): Make sure I don't forget when its 8pm to take my shot
Her: Ok
Me: What time is it?
Her: Don't worry Ill tell you if its 8pm
Me: OK
Her: Why don't you set the alarm on your cell and put it in your pocket
Me: I could but that would take too much energy
Her: Its 8pm
Me: Can you get drinks for table 2
Her: Why
Me: Cause I need to go shoot up in the ladies room
Her: Ok

Me: Picture this...Ladies room, single stall, uniform - tight jeans, black belt, white shirt tucked in. I put my bag on the hook, take out the syringe, take out the Lupron and gauze and alcohol swab. I try balancing the swab, needle and Lupron in hands as to not contaminate...it is a ladies room that is clean but one can never be too careful. I get it all set and go to put in leg and when I start I can tell Nope..hit a bad spot and start to bleed so I stick my self somewhere else...GREAT - now I'm bleeding with gauze but no band aid and I have to tuck my WHITE shirt back in while I'm bleeding..LOVE IT!!!!

I wash my hands and my sister comes in and says

Her: You ok
Me: Yeh way
Her: I felt like you were taking too long and wanted to see if you needed help
Me: No, its an easy shot
Her: Well, I was worried, wanted to make sure you didn't go into anaphylactic shock or something (her making up stuff LOL)
Me: Ill show you the size of the baby needle and you will realize, I'm just fine.
Her: Oh, okay that's tiny
Me: I know

So, don't worry if you need to do the shots at work whether it be with alcohol or actual drugs.... I can certainly help :-)

Lupron - Day 1

2009-04-27T17:17:00.000-07:00

Oh here are the pictures of my med's that were delivered on Saturday for my first IVF round. I figured it seems like a ritual for everyone to post their med's picture when they arrive so here are mine..not too bad ha?

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I take the gauze out, the alcohol sheets and the Lupron..I open the Lupron and look at it..maybe I didn't double check things correctly? Its only one vial of solution? But, I see I'm taking only 10ml..but still looks fishy... I read the directions a few times to make sure that I am doing it right...wouldn't want to mess this up!

Seems pretty easy - I'm no stranger to mixing my own cocktails! I mix it, get the gauze ready and wipe the alcohol pad on my thigh and squeeze...SOMETHING MUST BE WRONG - it didn't hurt and was wayyyy to easy...Is it because its not like there is a lot of solution in there? I don't know...seemed way to simple..BUT, the solution was in there and I followed the directions..so Ill TAKE IT!

First day of Lupron done..The count down now begins...

A Few Thoughts

2009-04-25T12:31:00.000-07:00

Its week 2 of my BCP's and I am experiencing some things that I never have before....About a week ago when we were in the Bahamas after being constipated from the new pre-natal pills that I decided to stop taking I noticed that I was getting some pretty serious cramping. At first I thought OK, maybe its from my anxiety (sometimes it manifest itself it different ways) or I thought maybe its my colan because of the pre-natal pill..so I sort-of just let it be..I am now a week later and its still pretty bad...actually its gotten worse. A few times it was so bad I had to stop what I was doing and put my hand over where my ovaries are.

I called the doctor to ask if that was normal and she said that having a little cramping is in fact normal and OK. Well, its gotten worse since then. How am I supposed to know what is normal and what is not. I was on the pill for about 10 years in the past and I NEVER had cramps. What do you make of it? I know there are a few of you out there that have already been through this IVF and some are in the process like myself - anyone else have cramping?

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All of my med's arrived today!!! YEAH - I think? I am not sure if you will remember but in the past - about a year ago - when I ordered my first batch my insurance did not cover these med's. As you all know, I have since bought an additional health plan for myself that covers infertility treatments along with additional pharmacy benefits. Well, last year it cost about $1200.00 for the med's, this time it costs $140.00 which was my co-pay. OMG!!! I know I am paying $400/month for this insurance but wow - its already worth it!

So I start my Lupron on Monday 10 units apparently..to be honest, the nurse called and gave me the run down on what I am supposed to do but I already forgot...hahahah...Im a little nervous since some bloggers have mentioned Lupron is not really very nice all the time and my acupuncturist said she has heard her patients say it can cause migraines..UGH!! This IVF stuff is sooo exciting - NOT!

I already have cramps, my boobs are sore and I am starting Weight Watchers again..I need to lose another 10 lbs before this cycle starts so I am not gaining too much weight from the drugs and not getting too bloated. My works clothes (since I work at a bar) are not very forgiving so I am not sure I would be able to explain the bloated belly.

Not only do we all have to deal with IF and all the emotions we have to deal with drugs that make us feel like shit...with all our medical advancements cant they come up with IVF drugs that have no side effects? hahah

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Oh, I thought it was cool, my friend told me about a web-site that has Infertility T-shirts...its called Cafe Press. Check it out - she said they have one that I totally want to get "Infertility & Your Stupid Comments" - have to love it!!!

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Moving on...its funny, over the past 2 years of TTC, even during all my IUI's I have never allowed myself to day dream. But I noticed while we were away in the Bahamas I found myself day dreaming as I feel asleep. I thought about how I would decorate the baby's room, I though about names, I thought about clothes I would buy etc...I thought about all the things that I never allow myself to think of. Is it because I feel more convinced this IVF craze could work? I am trying not to think about it that way so I'm not disappointed if it doesn't but its hard Ill tell you...I have to say this is the first time in a long time that I truly feel optimistic about our outcome. IF my first round worked I would be pregnant at the end of May...almost sounds NUTS! I am not sure how much I will let myself day dream...if anymore...its nice to think of but it can also be a let down I am not sure I am ready for.

Infertility in the Bahamas

2009-04-18T13:27:00.000-07:00

HI everyone!

I hope you are all doing well. I am in the Bahamas - been here since Tuesday. Jack wanted to take a vacation before we started IVF and this was the only week we could go so we left last minute. I have started my BCP's and we have an appointment on May 7th for u/s & b/w and I start Lupron on April 27th.

First off I want to say that I have caught up on all the blog updates and I cant believe how many of you are now pregnant!! I am soo happy for you all and so looking forward to hearing all the updates...I am also happy to know that there is still hope for all of us still here with our BFN's. You make it seem possible and for that I am so thankful!

Ok secondly - I made a big mistake. Jack said he thought he remembered them saying that if we had intercourse it had to be with protection - I - of course, do not remember this and say why whats the big deal we are on the pill ahah...so suffice to say we had unprotected sex!!!! OMG a married couple has to be careful. WELL, I called and she told me that yes, we are not supposed to have unprotected sex...OOppppssss....laugh.....so is my cycle cancelled before it even starts? haha nope...today is only day 8 so we are safe...thank god so on to using condoms...can you believe it - after all these years trying to get pregnant we have to use condoms...Yuck! Well at least I don't have to stop this cycle...close call though!

Ok now thirdly, I know that I have said this before to you all (and this is no bearing on ANY of my pregnant friends) BUT, can I please go on vacation and NOT see another freaking pregnant belly. They are literally all over the place here...its like they all decided to come here...The first person I saw was pregnant and then it proceeded from there...I, understand that I DO NOT know what these women have gone through to get where they are...one looks about 40 and who knows could be pregnant from IVF but the others are all about my age with about 2 year olds and a big old belly...Im sorry I try to understand but sometimes I just want it not to be thrown in my face - I know they don't know but it just blows...

So I decided when I get pregnant - I'm going to go on vacation too and I am going to wear my suit so you can see my cute belly - cause you know what - after all these years I deserve to parade my belly around too!!!

Lastly, anyone who reads this that has been struggling with IF (cause I know some of my loyal followers are friends that are either pregnant or don't want to be pregnant yet) BUT - do me one favor...Go and buy the book " A Few Good Eggs" 2 chicks dish on overcoming the insanity of infertility. Out of all the books I have read - and there have been a ton! this book is THE BEST!!! Trust me...Go and order it on amazon - its soo cheap! And Enjoy - and let me know what you think....

Love you all!

SERIOUS ANXIETY

2009-04-14T07:26:00.000-07:00

I have the worst anxiety known to man right now...Jack and I have this week off and had talked about driving to Myrtle Beach or something but its only like 55/60 degrees in Myrtle Beach so he decided lets do a last minute trip...I on the other hand HATE to fly ( as I have mentioned before) and am having such anxiety that I am literally sick to my stomach.
I didn't sleep at all last night and my eyes are so tired and I woke up and saw that he had put some information on my desk (haven't exactly booked the trip yet) and I started to cry - Ive been crying all day - I don't want to fly - ever - again!
I tried to appeal to him that I am just not into flying now with everything else going on...he's not buying it and wants to go away....Ive cried and everything. The only thing I didn't do was say - I'm sorry - but I WONT go...I feel bad - he works so hard all the time to provide for me and for the family we will someday have that I cant bare to tell him NO I CANT GO!
I tried to talk him into driving to FL again and getting on a 4 day cruise - Nope..a no go!
What am I going to do?

2009-04-12T19:20:00.000-07:00

The doctor's office called today to give me an update and rundown of what is next.

I will start BCP's on Monday evening...
I will take the BCP's until May 4th
I will start Lupron somewhere in there (when I don't remember without the paper here)
I will then have an appointment on May 7th for baseline u/s & b/w

I cant believe I am doing IVF...I don't want to say that I am excited (even though I am) because there is only a 50% chance this will work - and that's providing they don't find that all my eggs are of poor quality (one of my many fears)...I almost don't expect anything from this...seems like when I do all I get is disappointment......

The Pill - The Pain in the But

2009-04-11T10:53:00.000-07:00

2 weekends ago I told you all how I was going to prove everyone wrong who says "just go get drunk and have sex, you'll get pregnant"... What I didn't mention was that I had been doing new charting on Fertilityfriend.com and believe it or not...I ended up ovulating on day 19 - which happened to be Sat that I told you all we had drunk sex!!

Guess What? I was right....it doesn't work! So when people tell you to just have drunk sex you can use me as a perfect example!

So today marks day 1...I am awaiting my instructions on when I have to go in for a baseline u/s if I even do..if not, I will receive my instructions on when to start the dreaded 3 week pill. Anyone hate this process? Why is it so god dam long?

So...the pill it is - I figure if all goes according to plan retrieval should be the week of May 18th. Did I tell you I got served with Jury Duty for that week - May 20th? Yeah - really... so...I sent a letter from my doctor and my sister works at the courthouse so they are going to try and move it for me..thank god - I don't even care if it has to be the following weeks just not the week of my first IVF retrieval.

Of course, if you have been following my blog, you know what a scaredy cat I am...so I am nervous already - tell me not to be..I worried about going under and the pain after and believe it or not...everyone talks about the HUGE bloating that comes with it - NOT INTERESTED thanks.....

I'm sorry I haven't written sooner but my life's kind of boring so there is not much to report and I'm thinking you are probably not interested in me rambling about boring crap! hahah

Well, that's the update for now...Ill keep you posted.

Oh and BTW...anyone like Michael Kors? I scored these new sandals that rock at the store on sale for $60.00 SWEET - Ill post a picture when I take them out of the box. Shopping is about the only thing that keeps me sane...at least for a little while.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!

2009-04-06T09:35:00.001-07:00

OMG !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please so over to Natalie at Relaxing Doesnt Make Babies and Congratulate her - after all she has been through - she is finally pregnant!!!

Mothers

2009-04-06T06:53:00.000-07:00

I thought about something the other day...I was telling my BBF (Best Blogger Friend) Liv over at The Life of Liv how much my mother has done for me and what she means to me....especially through this IF journey/struggle.

For those of you that don't know me personally, my family is VERY close...I have 2 younger sisters that I talk to at least 2 times a day and I talk to my mom about 2/3 times a day. I try not to call my dad and bother him cause he is super busy at work. But we are all very close and try and even hang out together - all of us - once a week at the least.

When I got pregnant 2 years ago, my sister was the first person I told. We then invited my family over for dinner to tell them as a surprise...everyone of course was thrilled - mom had been waiting/wanting me to get pregnant for I am sure a long time. She was SOOO excited she couldn't wait to tell all her friends...which of course we told people not realizing it was too early because in all honesty - why would you think anything would go wrong...but unfortunately it did.

The day I went to the doctors I went with my sister...we were seeing the same OB (she at the time pregnant with her 2nd). Jack was working and to be honest, it was just a routine first test...I will tell you thank god she was there...my sister is not an overly emotional person (like myself) but she really tried to make me feel better and to comfort me.

I was told to pass it at home and that a D&C was not necessary since there was nothing there but an empty sac. Over the next few days I had nothing really until one day I went to work (at a new restaurant also) and had to leave cause of severe cramps.

I drove myself home 15 minutes while I cried and was in pain...(there might be a little too much TMI next) As soon as I got home I came upstairs and sat on the toilet and didn't move. I cant tell you how many times I called my mom...She just talked to me the whole time. She was going to a wake that night but kept saying that if I wanted her to come over she would head over now. I told her there was really nothing that she could do. I sat on the toilet for literally like 2 hours. I was afraid to get up - I didn't know what was going to happen or what was going to come out.

I called the nurses office and she told me that I had to get up and put a pad on to make sure I am not bleeding to much and need to go to the ER but I couldn't...After about another hour..I said Mom, maybe you could come over..she said of course, at least I can make you something to eat...so I decided I needed to be brave and get up. I put a pad on and got up. I made it down the stairs and had to run to the toilet again...I was so afraid - it felt soo wierd...

Mom was there and I sat there with the door open just sitting there...she just talked to me..I cant even tell you how long it was but she was there for me the entire time...at one point I felt something so odd...and it was like nothing I have ever seen..I freaked out - I asked her if she could please look (even though I know its so gross) because I have no idea if this is normal or not..so she did and she just said that is fine - everythings fine...I felt so much better after that and was able to get up...I went and sat on the couch...she called whomever and said that she would not be able to make the wake because she was going to stay with me...we watched a movie and she waited for Jack to come home.

Since that dreadful day - she has always been soo supportive...she asks all the time how things are, has offered to go to 6am appointments with me if Jack cant. She always says that I will have a baby...and I tell her that I am not so sure and she says - I will and that she is going to stay positive for both of us...I am glad that she says that cause I need someone to be positive for both of us.

I wanted to share this with you all because she is such a wonderdul, giving person and I wanted to let you all see that. Not only does she do all this for me...I cant even start to tell you what she does for other people.

She has literally been more than a mother to me over the past 2 years and I cant wait til the day I do have a child because I know how lucky they are going to be to have her in their life!

Thanks Mom, I love you!

P.s. I hope you all have someone in your life like my mom, whether it be your mom, an aunt, grandmother etc...take this time to thank them - they wont be around forever.

Another reason Infertility stinks!

2009-04-05T08:07:00.000-07:00

This is what my husband just said to me....

We cant figure out what to do today because everyone we know has kids..so not only can we not have kids, we have no one to go out with cause they are all with their kids...another reason infertility sucks (that line was from me)!

My Birthday!

2009-04-02T21:01:00.000-07:00

Its offically my 34th Birthday! Yeah for me!

A Meeting of the Infertiles

2009-04-02T06:15:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone...

Ya know I got to thinking the other night after a wonderful conversation with my new BBF (Blogger Best Friend) Liv over at The Life of Liv. She has become a great friend even though we have never met which led me to think of this....

What if all of us infertiles who talk all the time, comment all the time, and lend more support to eachother than anyone in RL..picked a place somewhere central and all met for a weekend. We would drink, eat, give advice, listen to the struggles, and enjoy the company of people that understand the daily fight. I think it would be a ton of fun to meet the people behind the blogs and the people behind the smiling profile photos...because we all know sometimes inside we are not as happy as the picture. But, I know this is not reality...many of you are struggling to afford IVF, some of you are current taking shots and going through IVF, some of you are starting your first IUI and some are on your third. I know we will never meet but I want you all to know...given the chance to meet you all - I would take it.

IVF Consult done...2 months to go....

2009-03-30T13:18:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone!

Today was our IVF Consultation!

I took every ones advice on the questions to ask and I have to say it was pretty straight forward. It might also have seemed that way since I follow so many blogs that are doing IVF and I have a very best friend who just had a baby from IVF. I feel like I have learned a lot from all of you so it felt like not much new when we talked to our RE. She is really great and talks nice and slow and explains things very easily.

We signed all the necessary forms and were given our time line.

Once AF shows up (which might be around the 7Th) I will start the pill for 3 weeks. Towards the end of the pill I will start Lupron. I will then go in for a baseline u/s and then start 220 units of Gonal-F. She said I respond very well to Gonal (last month on 75 units) so hopefully I will respond even better...then after how ever many days on that we go in for retrieval. She said either day 3 or 5. She mentioned they are not noticing a big difference in day 3 & 5..so we will see...She said my chances of pregnancy is around 50%. So the entire process including the dreaded 2 week wait should be about 2 months...UGH!

We are planning on only putting one embryo in. If it doesn't work we will re-evaluate but right now, we are only comfortable putting one in. She said that if we put 2 in our chances of twins at my age is 30%. We are not really ready for that so...well see in the future. To be honest, I'm so nervous none will even fertilize. She said it does happen but only about 1% of the time.

I cant believe after all the times I said I didn't want to do IVF here I am...I almost wish I started earlier but hey hindsight is 20/20.....

Our IVF Consultation!

2009-03-29T10:55:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to update everyone...I was supposed to have our IVF consultation on April 16th. It was the first available appointment my busy husband could make. BUT, we had a break in things and I called to see if she had anything else open and maybe I would go alone? Well, she had tomorrow morning open at 830 and Jack is able to come!! Yeah - 16 days early - Lets Get Started!

Also - does anyone that has been through IVF have any suggestions on things that I should be asking...I have no clue!

My Nonni

2009-03-27T19:54:00.000-07:00

(me, nonni, mom)

On Tuesday I spent the day with my 94 year old Nonni.

Just to give you a little background...When I went to college originally I didn't like the college I chose and decided to change to a college closer to home. I decided to go to Salem State and there I moved in with my Nonni and Nonno so I didn't have to live on campus. They were kind enough to let their granddaughter live with them for 2 years.

Unfortunately my Nonno died 9 years ago. I still see my Nonni as much as I can. She is one Hot Ticket! I mean how could she not be - she is 94 and still likes to drink, loves to shop still and can make me seriously laugh!

So...anyway there have been a few times that she has said that she does not want to live too much longer...I think she is lonely (although she has a ton of friends). We are very close - I am not exactly sure what I will do without her which brings me to our conversation.

One afternoon over lunch - I am not sure how we got on the subject - but we were back talking about her dying (she likes to talk about it)...I told her that I did not want to talk about it and that she COULD NOT die until I had a baby. and of course she said ohhh....and I said and that could be another 10 years and she laughed and said please don't do that to me...hahahah

Forward to Tuesday at lunch I say to her wow you are 94.5 and she said no and counted and I said fine..you are 94.4..hahah and she said I hope I don't live to 95. And of course I say how could you say something like that. She said I just want to go to sleep and not wake up - you know that's how I want it to happen..I told her that is not something that I can talk about and that we already discussed this...You can not go anywhere until I have a baby...please...and she says (in her sweet voice) ohhh yess...you need to have a baby....I'm going to say a Novena for you....

I tell her - yes, but I think you are going to have to say a lot more than that for me....

Oh she also knitted a blanket for me...she made one for my sister for her 2nd child and I told my mom that i needed one from her where we are soo close if for some reason she is not here by the time I get fricken pregnant I want something from her to remind me of her.....

Infertility sucks - not only for the thing we cant have but for when we can - there will be certain people in our life that will miss out on it...and to me that sucks the most.....I want her to see my baby, love my baby, hold my baby...

IVF could cost a lot of money but......

2009-03-23T15:01:00.000-07:00

I want to write and entry but I honestly have nothing to say or talk about.... Well I guess I could just tell you all what is going on even though its not as exciting as what everyone else seems to be up to.

We have our IVF consultation set up for April 16th. That is the earliest time Jack was available...sucks but its the reality of his job. SO...I spent the entire day (except for 2 hours) literally all day on the phone with Blue Cross Blue Shield..I am getting all my ducks in a row for IVF...I am buying myself an individual insurance plan. See, here is MA infertility coverage is a mandate for HMO's. My husband unfortunately works for a restaurant company and we have a PPO so nothing but b/w & u/s is covered...nothing to help you get pregnant only to tell you you cant..hahah

Anyway...so I finally got all the details 100% correct and ready. Here is the deal....The plan has a $500.00 deductible and is $387/month...that covers all infertility treatments and medications...including ICSI & assisted hatching...it also includes some other terms that I cant remember off the top of my head.

So...lets say it takes 2 IVF tries (being optimistic) which I think (i really have no idea yet) would take like 4 months??? That $1600 + $500 for a total of $2000.00 verses $8500. which is what IVF costs at RSC. Sounds like a steal ha? I certainly think so.

So Jacks plan will be the primary & the BCBS will be the secondary so when they submit the claim to the primary it will be denied then it will be submitted to the secondary and it will be taken care of...I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!

Health Insurance may be expensive in the state of MA, but Ill tell you - Ill take it over having to pay $10K to have a baby. I am sorry for all of you reading this that are not fortunate enough to have mandated coverage - MOVE HERE!!!!! YEAH!!!! just kidding....I am just glad that I read someones blog that had this information on there because if not, I might be up to my ears in CC debt!

So unfortunately that is all that is going on here....Nothing sooo exciting quite yet...We are still going to try on our own even though if 4 IUI's don't work having sex on our own certainly wont but hey...Ill drink and have sex..seems to work for some...hahahah

IVF - Its already scary enough, does it have to be complicated too!

2009-03-17T15:18:00.000-07:00

Yes - it has to be as confusing and as scary as it looks!

As you all know, IUI #4 didn't work and they will not do anymore with shots...so where does this leave us? Accepting the fact that maybe we will never have children or accepting the fact that the scary picture up above is where we are heading!

I just finished reading the papers they sent us for our IVF consultation (which BTW they already gave us). I decided that I better read them again to understand...OK I still don't understand. Well, I understand what it is that they essentially do what I don't understand is all the stuff you all talk about so knowledgeably. Like what stages they are at etc...I have NO CLUE what any of you are talking about when you say those things...and that scares me.

But, you know what scares me the most..is having it not work. Like anything in life, nothing is a guarantee..BUT, you get to this stage and you put all your eggs (literally) in to one basket (OK, a petri-dish) and you hope to god it works. Some of you have been through 4-5 of these...and I don't know how you do it? Emotionally, physically and mentally..I feel like an IUI with the shots is draining enough..I am assuming I have no idea what is to come...

This sucks!

Vacation coming to an end in more ways than one

2009-03-15T05:41:00.000-07:00

Our vacation went great! Especially since it was our first road trip! We drove from Boston to Florida...When we left last Thursday we left at 9:40pm when I got out of work and drove straight through to FL and arrived Friday night at 7pm..we only stopped to pee and swap drivers! Now, on the way home but we stayed overnight in VA...we needed to sleep this time!

While on vacation I got AF - she was a result of my last and final (#4) IUI...I thought I would make one last futile attempt to see if I could get away without doing IVF to have a baby. I'm not sure what I was thinking...deep down inside I knew the IUI wouldn't work. In the first days, I was confident..it was the best sample yet and I had been doing acupuncture for about a year and my cycles were great! Then as the days went on I began to lose hope..Why would IUI #4 be any different? I guess they are all different but enough to all of a sudden make it work? Nooppppeeee!

So here we are on vacation and I start to spot - now I have NEVER spotted - it took 2 days for AF to fully arrive which she never really did like usual..it was the most bizarre AF ever....My regular AF must have taken a vacation...she had to find a replacement didn't she? She's soo responsible - BITCH! She could have called in sick and I would not have cared - doesn't she get that?

So here we are...4 failed IUI's, 1 miscarriage, 2 years and no baby...I swore I would NEVER do IVF...I guess I was naive..I didn't want to have to do it, didn't think I would have to do it and frankly was scared of it. Now, its the only option...Isn't it weird that you can get pregnant on your own (even if it ends in miscarriage - the sperm and egg still met and attached) and then here you are 2 years later and they cant seem to meet up again on their own? What the hell is going on in there? Are they all betraying me? I have been betrayed by people but to be betrayed by your own body is not fair. That is the one thing that is supposed to be on your side at all times! Oh well, I guess there is no sense in dwelling because it certainly wont change things!

We have our IVF consultation on April 16Th and I guess we go from there. She has said in the past that I still have age on my side and that our choice to only put one embryo back in is still good in someone my age...yeah - well we'll see....everyone also said that an IUI would work!

Its a No

2009-03-11T06:50:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to let everyone know that bits of AF showed up last night...I knew she would - she is acting very stange but not showing up a lot but I am confident she will resume full control soon!

I am ok though, surprisingly...I guess we will have to move onto IVF at some point since nothing else is working...

I am not sure if I will be updating over the next few weeks...I am not sure I will have naything to say - if I do..I will but if you dont hear from me its cause Im taking a small break. I will however, DEFINITELY be reading blog updates all the time and commenting, Im just not sure if I will have much to say on myself!

The one thing I will say is Thank God for my wonderful husband...I would not be at all the person I am if it was not for him and his belief in me...he is the only one that can make me see the light sometimes and I want you all to know how wonderful and loving he truely is!

Good Luck to you all...I will talk with you soon!

Sad News

2009-03-10T08:18:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone...I thought Jack and I were going to go to the Ripley's Believe it or Not so I could touch the Ancient African Fertility Statues BUT....that will not be the case. I called while we were heading there to make sure they were in fact there....But, sad as it may be they will not be - they were there for the month of January but are now on world tour. Hopefully I can catch them in NY someday if I still don't get pregnant. But for now, I am going to take it as a sign that maybe I don't need them...no AF still...14 days past ovulation...never gone this far after an IUI...feels like she will arrive today but we will see....

We are now on the road driving from Palm Harbor to Daytona Beach for some R&R together at a nice boutique resort called The Shores and its nice and warm and I am very excited..it would make our week if I actually after 2 years and 4 IUI's could be pregnant - but for now to keep my sanity I will just prepare for the bitch today and just be pleasently surprised if she doesnt show.

Im going to touch the Fertility Statues

2009-03-09T15:21:00.000-07:00

We are in Florida at Jacks parents house...we are leaving tomorrow in the morning to drive from Palm Harbor to Daytona Beach..we are going to stay in Daytona for a few nights before we drive back home.

Our drive goes right through Orland where you all know the Ancient African Fertility Statues reside. We will be stopping...it may be too late for this cycle but(although AF has not reared her ugliness yet) it will be good for the future...Ill try anything at this point!!! Jack said I have to go in alone - its $20. to get in and I don't think he really cares but I don't care - Ill go alone but I will definitely try to get someone to take a picture of me touching them - oh I mean HUGGING them!!! hahahaah bring on the babies!!!

Prometrium Question...

2009-03-07T08:57:00.000-08:00

I know I told you I would not take a test early...cause I know all to well the famous negative. And that is was when I test about an hour ago 11 days past IUI...now I know its too early but can I ask everyone...

Ok, I have been taking prometrium vaginally for 10 nights and I know it brings on cramping but these were so bad on Thursday and Friday..just coming and going...now they are gone...and my temp this morning was 98.2 - it has NEVER been that high ever...I know that can be cause by the prometrium so I am trying to stay focused that I'm probably getting my period but I have done way too many google searches and it says that my period is not going to come until after I stop taking the prometrium...??? The doctor never said anything about this? Anybody know??? Anybody ever have period like cramps but they were actually pregnant....

I almost feel like if my period is going to come just COME and lets get it over with - I hate that this is toying with my emotions, my husband and my body!!!!

Coming Clean

2009-03-06T11:09:00.000-08:00

I was not going to share this on my blog because frankly there are a lot of people in my life that read this that are not aware of this situation. Its not because I don't want to tell them - I don't want to deal with the outcome.

No, I'm not pregnant. We decided to do one last IUI - #4... it was basically my way of pushing off IVF just a little longer..denial ya know...Our new RE said she would do more IUI..they do not like to do more than 4 really with the drugs..they do not think that is good for the body - long term effects. I was hoping where there were a lot of changes in our life that maybe this final one would work. Plus it has been 8 months since we last had any treatment.

So about 3 weeks ago I started my 75 units of Gonal-F. I respond well to the drugs..On the right I had an 18, 17, 15 (the 15 they said would probably be at 18 by the time of the IUI) and on the left (my LAZY side) I had a 15, 10. SO I triggered on Sunday the 22nd and had my IUI on Tue the 24th. It was THE BEST sample by hubby and I had an acupuncture treatment immediately before and after the insemination. I started my prometrium on wed the 23rd.

This was the worst IUI Ive ever had. I was more crampy than ever that evening...I was not feeling well...and I was SO bloated it was ridiculous. I was embarrassed to to go to work cause someone might notice. I felt not so hot the days after as well...My prometrium also made me more miserable than ever before too!!! So crampy after about 10 minutes of having it in..and I cant even tell you about my boobs...I cant even walk at night I could cry they hurt so bad...but I guess its all part of the process.

You know what sucks the most out of all of it? I don't think it worked. Last night at work I had really bad cramps and today a little off and on..you know the period cramps you get when you know for sure she is coming! I cant believe after all that misery it most likely didn't work! ALSO - they said to treat myself as if I was pregnant...no drinking (not such a big deal) - no cold cuts (that's all I eat for lunch)!!! and now after all that I think I am going to get my period.

Does it ever end? Why did I think the power of positive thinking would change anything? Why did I think if I wore my lucky four leaf clover, silver necklace and my charm bracelet with all my fertility charms that it would matter...I have not taken them off since and trust me - my charm bracelet makes a ton of noise at night!

Where do I go from here? I'm still not into this IVF deal....I read all you all go through, and although some of you have been successful...its seems terribly painful, heartbreaking and exhausting...am I up for it? I cant even handle how I felt from this last IUI and that was nothing compared to some of you. I am just really at a crossroads.

I'm feeling jealous, betrayed, sad, mad etc...why, why, why??????? I know I have to get past it, but I'm having a hard time sometimes...I try to be positive but its really hard sometimes...

Is it just easier to give up? Its like the lesser of two evils....

Day 14 will be Tuesday but we are driving to FL right now so if she doesn't arrive by wed I will test but not til then cause I know she will be a bitch and show up early this weekend - shes just like that!

2009-03-03T16:05:00.001-08:00

LOVE YA!!!

Katie over at "Isint TTC supposed to be Fun" was awesome and gave me this LOVE YA award to me a few days ago!!

Now I have to choose only 8 wonderful blogs to pass this award on to...
"These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award!"

http://statisticallyscrewed.blogspot.com

http://achronicdose.blogspot.com

http://barrenisthenewblack.wordpress.com

http://fertilitychallangedfla.blogspot.com

http://happeningsofagirl.blogspot.com

http://missandrae.blogspot.com

http://indianaopenwindow.blogspot.com

http://122075.blogspot.com

What a Dream!

2009-03-03T05:06:00.000-08:00

When a women has a dream she is pregnant it always means someone around them is pregnant - not themselves- but does it mean the same for a man who has this dream?

This morning when my husband got up very very early I happened to stir awake..he noticed and cuddled me from behind for a moment and was kissing my head and he whispered ever so lightly and lovingly..."I had a dream we were pregnant"...in 2 years of all this IF he has NEVER had a dream like this.

MY FIRST BLOG AWARD!!! nominated by 2 people

2009-03-02T10:33:00.000-08:00

I cant believe I was nominated for the Honest Scrap Award! I want to Thank You so much - its one thing to have a nice amount of followers but to be noticed for what I write is really an honor. Sometimes I feel like the things I write are not good (I am sure a lot of us feel that way) so its nice to be noticed! So Thank You again to:

G & H @ ~ Journey to a "Wondraful" Baby &
Ang @ ~ Our TTC Journey

Here are the rules:

1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.

2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap." Well, there's no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.

3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself

1) I have over 15 shows on season pass on my DVR...Yes, I'm a crazy TV fanatic!

2) I hate to fly more than ANYTHING in life...probably because I have serious fear of death

3) Although I live in NE, I HATE SNOW!!!! and cold

4) I love my husband more than words could ever express

5) I love my family so much so that I would DIE if anything happen to any of them!

6) I secretly wish I was a celebrity and could walk the red carpet!

7) Sometimes I have such awful thoughts that I think I may go to hell someday...all to do with this shitty club I belong - IF!

8) I am not sure what I will do when my Nonni dies...she is 94 and she is the most wonderful person...I usto live with her and she is fun, vibrant and a lot of fun! That is why whenever I do actually have a child...if it is a girl, her middle name will be Lena after her.

9) I LOVE my house!

10) I am very thankful for all my wonderful friends!

SO...on to my 7 nominations!

MJ
I cant believe all the things that one person would have to endure if their lifetime...She has had so many things go wrong for her but she is so positive and strong! I wonder where she gets her strength every time she composes an entry. Some of us would have give up by now but not her. She is amazing!

Michelle
I like that she writes about all sorts of things going on in her life. She has been through SO much - I wonder how she continues to stand strong! Because she is strong..She is funny - check out her 100th post, 100 Things I learned through IF.

Liv
I love her cause she looks so cute in her picture!! I love that her husband leaves her cute notes...Shes sweet, funny & caring.

Tarah
Someone I have never met...but would love to!!! We chat via email since meeting in blogland. I noticed she makes jewelry and asked if she made infertility charms for bracelets...and she went out of her way to work on one..I since purchased it and LOVE IT!! She is a wonderful person!

The Angry Infertile
All I can say is she ALWAYS makes me laugh - she has a great way with words and she is brutally honest! I love reading what she writes!

Murgdan
After all the obstacles she has to overcome to become pregnant she is positive and continues to move forward while being funny, caring and sensitive! I look forward to reading her blog every time I see she has posted something new!

S~
I just love her blog! I love the every entry she makes she writes at the bottom about 4 things she is currently grateful for. Although she belongs to this terrible club, she always tries to see some positive!

Nat
This is one of the first blogs I started to follow. She is one of the people in blogland that I look up to..I cant even get my head around IVF and she is on her 4th round making it all look so easy. She has had a tough, tough ride - I wonder sometimes where she gets all her strength?

So..there it is - that was a long post!

Thanks again!

A Quick Thank You!

2009-03-01T06:51:00.000-08:00

I only have a minute but I wanted to thank the three bloggers that nominated me for an award...when I have more than a minute I will write my entry and post my award but I wanted you all to know that I couldnt do it yet and that I thank you so very much - you all MADE MY DAY!

Just When You Think You Have Made Peace!

2009-02-27T05:15:00.000-08:00

Most of you may not know this but I am a waitress and Bartender at a Steakhouse. The reason I mention that is for the purpose of this story.

She tells me yesterday that she sat me...and that she was pregnant...very pregnant that is. Of Course I'm annoyed - sometimes I don't mind at all waiting on pregnant people it just depends on the kind of day/week/month I'm having..but I was pretty cool yesterday. When I went over, I do what I ALWAYS do when I'm waiting on someone pregnant..I check to see if they are married. I know it sounds nuts but if they are it makes me feel a little better. Her and her friend ordered and I noticed she was HUGE..now I don't mean that in a mean way just an observation. I said to the my friend, the hostess, I think she is having twins..either that or she is about to give birth any minute. She said I think she is having a boy cause she is carrying so low. Neither of us wanted to ask her really? What was I going to say "are you having twins" and then she says no and it looks like I asked her cause I think shes huge! hahah

So..I said to her while I was wrapping her food up..Do you know what you are having and she said TWIN BOYS - and only has 5 more weeks to go! ha! We were both right..so I told her the conversation my friend and I were having and she was laughing...she was very sweet actually.

So I walked away and I was not upset - not in the least bit actually...I decided why should I be upset - I don't know her life story? How do I know that she had not been trying for two years? How do I know this wasn't her final IVF cycle and it worked...I know NOTHING about how she got to where she was...so instead I decided to just let it go and think shes pretty dam lucky and move on with my day.

That night (last night) I found out that there is a chance one of the girls that I work with might be pregnant...she is young - very young and not married...Then I figured after all I just told you above - I was slapped in the face. So now, IF she is pregnant (and there is a GREAT chance) then I have to watch her belly grow every time I work with her...just when you think you are moving on past hurt...something else shows up to let you know you were an idiot for thinking you could!

The hits keep on coming....I am hoping they end soon...I'm so bruised I hardly recognize myself.

The Ancient African Fertility Statues

2009-02-24T16:29:00.000-08:00

Katie over at http://ttcfun.blogspot.com wrote an entry about these African Fertility Statues that are housed at Ripleys Believe it or Not. Now, I had never heard of them so I did some research....LOVE IT!!! They are on tour right now in Myrtle Beach and then are going back home to their resting ground in Orlando, FL.

Wouldn't it happen to be that I am going on this road trip with my husband to FL, through Myrtle Beach and Orlando..SO...as you can imagine, I told him we have to stop so I can touch them!! If you google them, you will read that there have been over 2000 pregnancies of people that have either touched them or come in contact with them in some sense...EXCITING...and very interesting!

I want to say Thank You to Katie for mentioning this on her blog because I never would have known!

You Need to Check This Site Out!!

2009-02-22T09:32:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone...

I know, I know...I haven't written in weeks and now I write 2 days in a row!

Ok so I read a blog about the African Fertility Statues which I had NEVER heard of...I am soooo intrigued! We are going on a road trip next Thur and we are driving right through the Carolina's and through Orlando and I am going to see if I can convince my hubby to stop...hahah BUT anyway, because of this I decided to do some research on objects the symbolize fertility and I came across this video...Now, let me say I know in a nutshell how our body in terms of ovulation works but I have never seen it like this....spelled out for me...It takes a while to watch BUT you have to watch it - they even have a video of who it works while going through gonal shots with ovidrel ovulation induction...

YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT - let me know what you think...maybe you already knew all of this but I certainly did not...I thought it was fascinating!!!

Go To: www.fertilitylifelines.com

On The Left click on: Fertility Health 101

Then Click On: Basic Biology

Under That Click On: Animation

The videos are of ovulation for a full 28 day cycle, there is a natural one, and then ones that are assisted by hormone shots!

Just a mumble jumble of thoughts!

2009-02-21T07:57:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry I have not been a good blogger lately...I really don't feel as if I have to much to write...There is nothing really going on here...I am still not ready for IVF. I give MAJOR props to all my blogger girls that are going through their 1st,2nd,3rd and even 4th round of IVF...I cant even being to wrap my head around it and they are all so brave.

Is it that I don't want to do IVF? Yes, of course, who WANTS to do it -no one, they have to...but why do we have to? I almost feel like if that is my last resort - I am not sure if I will do it. I'm just all over the map...its scary and freaky to me...I have never gone under and to me its like this black hole of time that just disappears...and even though Dr.A says its only for like 5-7 minutes that your out, I cant get past it. I know that I am being stubborn, I don't want to NEED the help to get pregnant..
Anyway...I'm just babbling about the thoughts that are going through my head...

We are going on a road trip - Jack and I have never done a road trip cause of course he would rather fly - its certainly a lot faster. BUT, if you have read any of my other posts...I HATE to fly...and not just HATE it, have such anxiety and fear about it, but I do it and I do it alot - because if I didn't, Id never get to go anywhere good! BUT, I digress...I came to jack about 2 weeks ago because we were supposed to be buying our tickets to FL to visit his parents...with his brother and sister and new baby. I told him that right now, I just could not put my body through that...I know regular anxiety that I have is not good for TTC but this brings anxiety to an ENTIRELY new level...and I did not think right now that would be good for me...He agreed right away and we decided that we would drive...can I tell you how long I have tried to get him to drive to a vacation destination (one that can obviously be driven to)!!! He agreed that right now, I need the least amount of anxiety there is...so we are going on a road trip! I'm looking forward to it and even more so cause I don't have to get on a plane!!!! hahah

On another note, I think I am doing pretty well with all the pregnancy stuff going on around me...One of my best girlfriends ( you know how you are ) just found out she is having a boy! I told her that is what I thought she was having..not that it wasn't hard, I had a 50/50 shot but I called it! I am so excited for her...I have already started to work on her gift - I would love to tell you all what my creative self is doing but I cant cause she reads this blog! hahahah

Another note...an old friend and I re-connected after a few years...she just got married and we met for lunch and I am sad to say that she too is having TTTC...she is just starting in her process at the doctors so I gave her all the tips I knew...It may SUCK to belong to this club we call infertility but at least something positive comes out of it once in awhile and that is I can help someone else with advice and tips on things to ask!

A dream and a nasty reality check!

2009-02-15T08:03:00.000-08:00

It was a beautiful dream..I was pregnant and going into labor...I was joking with someone (don't know who it was in real life) that I looked small and to take a picture of me standing up cause I couldn't believe it...So I then started to walk around and felt like I had to go to the bathroom sooo bad and they said no, you are in labor..so then the weirdest thing happened...felt like I was in a tunnel so its to hard to explain. Then I was in the delivery room and there were all sorts of people behind me, like mom, dad, sisters etc and they were in bleachers...stadium style (SO WEIRD I KNOW) and they were talking about how they wanted to see the delivery and I was like NO WAY...and all I could think about in my dream was I don't want them to see me if I go to the bathroom (you know how they say it happens..)...then my alarm goes off.

I am on the road to my doctors appointment this morning at 8AM and I get pulled over!!! F%$*er!

Instead of going home with my new baby, I'm going home with a $150. speeding ticket.

The Fertility/Infertility gods must really be mad at me for something I did. What it is "who the hell knows...and frankly at this point, who the hell cares"!!!

Have you heard of this site???

2009-02-06T16:03:00.000-08:00

I was just researching "Why Cant I Get Pregnant" and I found this site:

www.tipsforgettingpregnant.net

This women tells her story or trying to conceive and finally being able to do so...she says its by this simple process and years of research and you can buy her e-book for $29.00. There are some tributes to her and her process from people that it worked for...I am thinking of buying it..I mean whats another $30.00 - either a book or this...what do you think? Has anyone read this before?

When will it all be over?

2009-02-06T14:05:00.000-08:00

Happy Friday everyone!

I am going to apologize now if I babble on....

As I have said in previous entries, I am trying to take a more positive outlook on things...I am more of a "Glass Half Empty" type of person and although I am not going to say I am changing that (cause I don't think that is possible) I am at least trying to let all this infertility stuff roll off my shoulders...most days I do a pretty dam good job - but then there are some days when I just want to curl up on the couch and cry for myself. I don't...but I sure as hell want to.

I know that all these pregnant people that are around only seem like they are all over the place because I'm more conscious of it but I could not go a day this week without hearing about something or seeing something. To be honest, I was fine through the week - even yesterday when I had to wait on a pregnant girl who could not have been more than 21...but then I was on the treadmill today (not even thinking ANYTHING about babies or pregnancy) and I start watching The View and here comes Elizabeth Hasselback - PREGNANT...I never thought it was possible to cry while running on the treadmill but let me tell you all IT IS....I just would like to spend one day not thinking about it, not seeing it - just live without "Infertility" hanging over my head.

We have an appointment Monday with the new RE to discuss DH's results (formal results). All the results we have had in the past and all the IUI's have been great.....and I am sure these will be too but what then? My results that just came back were great - all within normal range. And when his come back fine - what are we supposed to do? Walk out and think yeah!!! Why - we may be fine in the medical world but we still are not able to get pregnant. If everything is fine...why cant the fricken sperm and egg get together and adhere to the fricken wall? I really feel like saying - what the hell is the problem with all you in there?

Its partly my fault - I have not been involved in anything assisted since last May - I apparently like living in this fairy tale world where I MIGHT be able to get pregnant on my own. I mean what are even the chances? Anyone have any rough percentages? Why are my eggs and his sperm so stupid? Why cant they fight harder? Why is my body failing me?

Living with this infertility is very draining. And those that don't have it - don't understand it, they certainly don't want it - why would they...but its such a sickening feeling that can easily take over your life. And people can say all they want that once you let go it might happen...do you know what its like EVERYDAY to have a reminder that you cant get pregnant? Its all around you....and I don't care what ANYONE says - its very hard to forget about, even for a minute. Trust me I try everyday.

Is it too much to ask for it all to just be over....

Feeling a little Sad

2009-01-27T17:05:00.000-08:00

Sorry my post have been very sporatic. I dont feel as if I have anything to write about that would hold your attention. AS you all know we are in a holding pattern for 6 months...trying on our own before we take our next step. We get his test results on Feb 9th at our appointment with our new RE. I am confident considering all 4 times we have seen his numbers they were good. So there it is possibly both of us fine...nothing wrong BUT still without something that seems so obtainable by some.

It really sucks ha? I went into babies r us on sat night to get a baby shower gift. Now, let me tell you - that store is NOT for infertiles....I hope I dont have to go back anytime soon!

So then today, I am here waiting for this woman to arrive to do our appraisel and she arrives and is very nice. I was scrapbooking at the kitchen table and she made a comment about loving it but never having a reason to do it til now cause they are expecting their first...REALLY??? WTF...can I go ONE day without hearing about a pregnancy - JUST ONE...is that really too much to ask?

Sometimes I really just say to myself - forget it...youll never be pregnant.

Dear Diary

2009-01-19T09:23:00.000-08:00

Today I learned that I hurt someones feelings by writing some things on my blog. I did not write these things to intentionally hurt them although it may have seemed that way.

I write on this blog as an outlet for feelings that most people will not understand. The people that do understand (most infertility bloggers) will sympathize with what I have said and truly understand the sadness that sometimes surrounds the things we all say on our blogs.

Writing in the blog is not something that is done so we can talk badly about people its just our way to communicate with the outside world on things that bother us that can or can not be fixed.

Diary - I would never want anyone I know that reads this to ever feel like I love them or think of them any less than I do. No matter what I write about my friendships are a separate entity. Even if feelings surrounds these friends - I still love them no matter what. I hope that they never take what I say personally as a shot against them. If they do or if they have, I am truly sorry - this blog was never meant to hurt anyones feelings. It was meant to soothe my own.

For those that read my blog faithfully and know my struggle, I am glad that you read because without you...I would never have met so many wonderful people that understand what its like to be me right now.

For those of you that dont follow my blog and happen to stop by occasionally, please don't feel slighted by what I say...I may have said it when I was truly hurt and at my worst and needed somewhere to vent. And if I have hurt any of you friends that ready this blog, I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart. And If you know me at all you know I would never hurt anyone intentionally.

A NEW BLOG

2009-01-18T16:09:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone out there in blogger world!

To all my fellow followers and for those of you that happen upon this blog.

I needed a new outlet to channel all the infertility talk. I am sick of feeling like crap about all this and needed something else to do soo...with that said I started a new blog. For those of you that know me, you know I am very creative and enjoy shopping, decorating etc...so I have decided to start a shopping blog.

This blog will be a way for you to find out about new ideas on decorating, new ideas on book swapping and magazine swapping and even shopping tips on great finds. I am here to answer any decorating questions or any needed advice.

The link is:

http://a-shopaholics-secrets.blogspot.com

If you found out about something new in the decorating world or shopping world etc....please feel free to email me at missaming@hotmail.com!!

She Arrived

2009-01-18T11:25:00.000-08:00

Yes, AF arrived...I cant believe I was stupid enough to think that I "might" be pregnant...How fricken silly of me, really? So anyway shes here.

So I called my new RE at RSC on Friday and had an appointment for today at 830 for the usual ultrasound and blood work. She wanted a new set of test done there so they could take a look and see for themselves since theres are all computerized and the records they got from my fertility specialist are not. Anyway..she just called with the results:

Estrodial 28.3
FSH 8.09
Prolactin 14.7
TSH 1.72

Then she said something about follicles on both sides but she was talking so fast but she said everything looked great.

HOWEVER - she said all the numbers are very good and within normal range for day 3...now I thought my FSH seemed awfully high??? What do you think?? I googled it and they say anything between 6-9 is good & under 6 is excellent. Does it matter what day it is? Does it always change? UGH! I hate this. I wish I was a doctor sometimes!

So she said as soon as Jack gets his SA done this week we can then go in for a meeting with the Doctor to discuss the results.

Waiting sucks!

A New Leaf

2009-01-14T06:38:00.000-08:00

SO I had that dream...those 2 separate dreams that I was pregnant which we all know means someone is...or 2 people are...I don't have really any friends left that are not pregnant so I am wondering who will now come out of the woodwork? I am prepared.

Today is 12 dpo - I have NEVER in 9 months been past 12 days...AF ALWAYS arrived on dpo 12 but shes not here and my temp is still up 97.9 BUT I know that I am not pregnant cause I have my lovely period feelings in my abdomen that I get every month...she just wants to screw with me this month...2 years exactly to when I got pregnant last time. She sucks!

I went to dinner with two friends last night that are pregnant. I know most of you who read this will think - why would I do that? TO be honest, I'm letting go....I don't want to feel shitty anymore that I cant seem to get pregnant...its not making me pregnant any faster so I'm letting it go. We have a plan and I feel so much better. These 2 friends were so wonderful. Not only did they not over talk about pregnancy - they asked questions and listened intently and were genuinely sympathetic. I could not have asked for anything better. I don't want to lose friends because I cant get over that they are pregnant and I'm not. So I'm taking a new approach. Its 2009 and I'm over it...I'm going to let it go and see what happens...Maybe there will be truth in what people say...IF I relax maybe it will happen...and guess what if it doesn't in 6 months...we move on to our next step.

Seems Easy Enough...

DREAMS

2009-01-11T08:59:00.000-08:00

Last night I had a few dreams..as most of us do.

The first dream, I had twins...a boy and a girl and I can still see what they look like - they were sooo beautiful!

The second I was pregnant and I was in my family room or it was my sisters family room and the doctor was there (wierd) and she asked me if I wanted to know what I was having? (Let me digress for a momonet - I am a girly girly in the ultimate sense so I know that I will probably have a boy- not that I wont be happy with either one, but I would love to have a girl) So - I tell the doctor that yes I want to know and she tells me Im having a girl. I reply - NO - and start to cry and get so excited to tell Jack.

But you know what they say when you have a dream that you are pregnant...that someone you know is pregnant. Not that I have any friends left that could possibly announce this...but such a wonderful dream means some sad news for me. Bummer

TRICKS

2009-01-09T15:09:00.000-08:00

Does the mind play tricks?

I had a headache all day that wouldn't even go away with acupuncture. My breast are so sore on the outside Ive been having trouble sleeping the past 2 nights - sorry if its TMI...and I'm a little bloated. Now, I know I'm going o get my period next week but why does the mind want to automatically think its pregnant?

Oh no wait, that would be me I guess...I know I'm not pregnant but sometimes you can help but wonder...some people I work with say oh it doesn't mean anything...those symptoms...

But I know that when I was pregnant 2 years ago I had NOT ONE period symptom....that's how I know I'm not pregnant...another cycle down!

HELP

2009-01-06T07:20:00.000-08:00

Can someopne help me....Im trying to post a long entry and everytime I try to post it - the paragraphs are gone and its one lump entry - and way to longg.....does anyone know how to finx this so I can post it in paragraphs? This never happened before???

Please Help!

HOUSTON - We've made a plan!!!

2009-01-05T19:55:00.000-08:00

( Let me just say I am sorry that this is one paragraph - I can not figure out why in my draft is paragraphs but when its publishes its not)

Thank you so much everyone not only for your kind words but for checking up on me since I was to lazy to write a blog entry earlier.

My Report:

The RE read all our files prior to our meeting so she was well aware of our situation - which isn't much of a situation. So what she said...nothing really that we didn't already know. There is really nothing wrong that she can see. All the tests and blood work etc from Dr.H all look good.

She knew that I also wanted a second opinion on whether or not I should have a Laprascopy...she basically said that if she did the laprascopy on me if she had to guess she wouldn't find much of anything based on all my results etc. She also said the same thing that Dr.H did - if I am going to do IVF then I don't have to have the Laprascopy. She told us all about IVF...She said that I am lucky that I have AGE on my side and that I am still young.

I told her that I was not ready for IVF - she said that was totally fine and that when I am ready I will know. We asked her about more IUI's and she said without drugs we could really do as many as we wanted but with drugs they try and limited how many they do because of all the drugs.

She was really nice and left it up to us to decide what we wanted to do next. We were just hoping for more of an answer I guess - is to what could possibly be wrong but I guess she cant answer that considering nothing really is wrong.

So what we decided to do with her is...on day 1 of AF I will call and set up an appointment for the day 2/3 test - the ones we all have all the time....because she wants to run the tests herself and really look at the ultrasound. She said since their job is only to help people get pregnant she would like to see the tests herself and not just a record of it and also the last time I had all the tests done was May. She also ordered a more formal SA to be done at Jacks convenience. We will then review the results with her and go from there....

When Jack & I left I asked what he thought and he felt the same as me - although good, anti-climatic in the sense that we knew nothing more definitive then when we got there. Then he said that in his gut he really feels that we will be able to get pregnant on our ow. He said it just might take us longer than most. I said if that is truly how you feel and they always say "trust your gut" then that is cool with me. He feels that since we have learned some new things about some things we could have possibly been doing wrong and other contributing factors that once we cut those out maybe it might work. I told him that was fine with me.

SO - last night when we were both finally home to discuss it all....(he had to go to work after our appt) I asked what he wanted to do...and he was all worried about the financials and this new insurance that I found etc...he said we have to cancel me off his insurance within like 4 days....he wants to save that $200/month. So he said its either we jump right to IVF or are you willing to wait a year and try on our own and then when open enrollment comes we can then drop you and do IVF?

I said I really don't want to make that commitment - a year again - that would make it 3 years and that's a long time...so here is what we came up with!

~~We will wait until we get the tests back. Providing they are fine (which she said they probably will be) we will continue to try on our own for 6 months more.
~~ After 6 months if we are not pregnant we decide on another IUI or go to IVF
~~ If IVF we just buy that new insurance for the few months that we are going to IVF cycle. We keep me on his insurance because over the next 6 months well have saved up money to cover the extra $$ for insurance they we will be putting out.
~~ IF we do IVF we made a deal that we would NEVER put more than 2 embryos back in..providing 2 fertilize that is.

We are both VERY happy with our plan - and I feel so much better and relieved that we have a plan in place. A good friend kept telling me to make a plan cause it always helped her and I never really understood until now. I feel like a weight was lifted off.

Now I just have to deal with all the pregnant people around me. I promised that I would let it go....its not going to change anything and its not good for me to have the anxiety - so here i am letting it all go.

Here's to 2009!

Nervous

2009-01-05T04:11:00.001-08:00

I am already up for my 930 appointment. I was not nervous before and I kept telling myself there is no need to be nervous...ultimately its my decision to move forward with everything/anything. I tend to be a nervous person....about a lot of things...So I tossed and turned all night, tried telling myself that being nervous doesn't help the body especially where I ovulated 4 days ago and to RELAX...its not working! So I'm up...going to get ready and get this appointment over with. I should be fine after that...ugh - what will they say?

The BIG day

2009-01-04T11:13:00.000-08:00

I never thought that I would even up here...to say the least.

A year ago I was starting with my fertility doctor thinking...Ill just go to him, he'll figure out whats wrong and if I have to do an IUI then so be it..

Now, here we are a year later and baby less. Although, that is somewhat my doing. Around May I decided I need a break. Seriously, when I cried through the entire finale of "The Bachelorette" I knew something had to change so I decided I was done for a few months with a small break - Ill just take the summer off. Those 4 months turned into 8. I did start acupuncture which I am so glad I did but I just COULD NOT bring myself to go back to the doctor.

I LOVED the way I felt without the drugs and without the 6am appointments. But the dreaded fact about all of it is I'm still not pregnant.

I don't want to NEED help to get pregnant, I want to just get pregnant like the rest of the fricken world..or at least like some of the world. But apparently that's not in the cards! Someone very close to me said "some of us just need help, and that's just the way it is". She is 100% right, I wish she was wrong but shes not.

SO tomorrow is the big day. Our 2 hour consultation with a new RE at an actual fertility center. I hope she has some answers for us or a plan that I am comfortable with. I never thought that I would be here but I am cause I guess I am just one of those people that "needs help"...

Stay Tuned....

Do you ever think about this?

2009-01-01T11:37:00.000-08:00

Have you ever thought about this?

For those of us that blog...we share our fears, our insecurities, our intimate details and even our happiest moments etc...but have you ever thought what you would do when you actually do get pregnant? I ask this because I have been pregnant before..yes, it was a long 2 years ago but I made the mistake of telling people because why would I have thought that something would go wrong? So now all us bloggers are in the same position...

We share everything we do with the blogger world, but if you are like me you have a lot of friends and some family that also not only read the blog but know exactly every move you make...what do you do when you get pregnant? Do you lie? Do you just make up stories on your blog?

Next time I actually get pregnant I really don't want to tell anyone because I don't want to have to make that dreaded call if something happens or I don't want to get that dreaded call from others if something happened. But how can I lie...it would have to be a real elaborate lie for 3 months...that's a long time to keep a pregnancy a secret especially when you have been trying for 2 years...UGH..

What will you do?