Men having babies & Surrogacy

SERIOUSLY???????????? SERIOUSLY???????????????

You must have all seen the story on the news and in the tabloids about the couple that was originally 2 women that got married and one of the women wanted to be or is a man but still kept all her/his female parts.... NOW, at first I didn't think much of it actually...I thought It was kind of weird but whatever - to each his own. BUT I just saw on TV that they are going to do an interview with Barbara Walter on tomorrow night. AND GUESS WHAT????? Their pregnant again!

Now I care... A man (technically) can now have two babies before I can even have one? What is this seriously all about? Then I start to toy with well maybe I should just do IVF...no, I really don't want to and right now I cant imagine where I could find $10K!

Ya know I also read a really sweet article in the paper at work yesterday...This women at 56 carried her 3 grandchildren for her daughter. Her daughter had a hysterectomy so they froze her eggs and her mom was her surrogate. I think that is soo nice.

My sisters and I all talked and we all decided that if one of us was not able to carry a baby then one of us would - we would do it for each other. I think that is one of the greatest things that we would be able to do for eachother.

Has anyone out there having all this trouble thought that it might be that their body cant take being pregnant? Would you hire a surrogate? Is there anyone who would do it for? Is there anyone you would do it for? Its an interesting thought....

Speaking of my entry yesterday about having only about 2 more cycles left...Lets make it one now. Ovulation ended this morning and it wasn't a good try! Is it bad to say that I don't even care this month??? I felt like it hasn't worked in 2 years so screw it..whats one more month gone by.

To be honest (unrelated to fertility) my anxiety is so bad because we are flying on Friday that my ovulation was probably screwed up anyway. Ive tried to remain calm and not really think about it because I know the effects my anxiety has on my system and my ovulation... BUT... I cant seem to control it. I really feel like my plane could plummet every time I'm on one. I know, I know, chances are slim but to me there not.

Well, I can be thankful for one thing...if the plane does go down at least I don't leave any children behind. Right now thats the only good thing that comes from my infertility.

At a crossroads

In 2 months it will be 2 years since I was pregnant. In 4 months it will be 2 years since our miscarriage.

I cant seem to take the most logical next step. After the miscarriage I decided I would try and get pregnant on my own because EVERYONE says that "oh most people get pregnant right after a miscarriage"...so I tried and waited every month..then December came and I started with my amazing specialist..Dr.Hughes.

Now here we are just about one year later...after 3 IUI's and no baby - not even a glimmer of a pregnancy.

Acupuncture is now 6 months in the making and although it has worked phenomenally, still no pregnancy, no baby...but I still hold out hope.

Dr.H wants me to have a Laproscopy but I cant!! I'm way to afraid of going under and I just don't think I have endometriosis so why should I have it? I cant seem to move forward...Im stuck!!! I just want to get pregnant the old fashioned way. I'm afraid of IVF too! I don't want to do IVF & its not covered by our insurance either.

I'm at a crossroads... Jack and I decided that if January comes and we are not pregnant then we are back to Dr.Hughes. I love Dr.H but I don't want to go back. I hate those 6 am appointments and the way the shots make me feel...but here we are just about mid-November and only one maybe two more cycles before its back to the grind.

Can I just not do it? But then Id never have a baby BUT if I go back to him there are no guarantees in that either. And why should I do IVF? There are no guarantees with that too! Are there any guarantees in life anymore?

Look at all those blogs of women who had stillborns or who's babies past after a few days from complications? They all thought they were past their infertility and finally on their way to a happy family and then it comes all crashing down. I cant go through that - I don't want to go through that. I know there are risks with everything and its part of the process - nothing is guaranteed (there's that word again).

Maybe that's why I'm not pregnant..because I'm focusing so much on the infertility that I'm blocking all the good pregnancy qui? hahah

Infertility is EXHAUSTING! How come no one ever tells us that?

Trying to stay Positive - Im over it!

Remember how I was going to try and be positive???
Well I'm over it!
I cant believe even Jennifer Aniston is pregnant before me and she's not even married! UGH!

When will all we do to have a baby be "Enough"

Halloween has come and gone....Not sure what you all did but I spent the day and evening with my two nieces....They are 4 1/2 & 1 1/2 and they are sooooo funny! Its weird, when I am with them I never have that feeling like this is something that I want that I don't/can't have. I guess its because they have always been such a huge part of my life even before we started trying that its like they are my children too. I have been there for everything in their life....(I am lucky that my sister shares all that with all of us) they also live down the street so of course I see them everyday. And sometimes I do think to myself if I can never have children then its something I have to accept and that at least I have my nieces.

If you know me at all you know I am more of a "glass half empty" kind of person. So I'm trying this new thing...I'm trying to be positive about things...all things.....Its not that I would be okay if we didn't have children its just that I have to try and remember that if I cant then I dont want to have missed all these important things in life.

We are all lucky enough to have our health (in the sense that we are not sick). There are hundreds of people out there that get terminally sick everyday and I have to be thankful for what I do have. For those of you struggling with infertility you might be reading this thinking - is she serious??? and TRUST ME, I do not always feel this way but this week I kept thinking that at least I'm not sick. If I can never have children all this time I spend being depressed and angry is going to make me miss out on some great things and then I will look back and think, what the hell - I should have just dealt with it. In the reality of things too, having all these feelings negative and positive is NOT going to get me pregnant either. I seriously think its just Luck of the Draw!

For those of us that are not sick and have a pretty normal functioning body, we cant seem to get over the fact that we cant get pregnant - it makes no sense. No matter how many tests, no matter how many shots we pump into our system, no matter how many eggs they transfer, no matter how many acupuncture treatments, no matter how many gross herbal teas we have to drink we do it - because deep down inside there is a little positive in all of us - we all think if we do it strong enough or long enough or hard enough - someday it will be just that - enough.....