Coming Clean

I was not going to share this on my blog because frankly there are a lot of people in my life that read this that are not aware of this situation. Its not because I don't want to tell them - I don't want to deal with the outcome.

No, I'm not pregnant. We decided to do one last IUI - #4... it was basically my way of pushing off IVF just a little longer..denial ya know...Our new RE said she would do more IUI..they do not like to do more than 4 really with the drugs..they do not think that is good for the body - long term effects. I was hoping where there were a lot of changes in our life that maybe this final one would work. Plus it has been 8 months since we last had any treatment.

So about 3 weeks ago I started my 75 units of Gonal-F. I respond well to the drugs..On the right I had an 18, 17, 15 (the 15 they said would probably be at 18 by the time of the IUI) and on the left (my LAZY side) I had a 15, 10. SO I triggered on Sunday the 22nd and had my IUI on Tue the 24th. It was THE BEST sample by hubby and I had an acupuncture treatment immediately before and after the insemination. I started my prometrium on wed the 23rd.

This was the worst IUI Ive ever had. I was more crampy than ever that evening...I was not feeling well...and I was SO bloated it was ridiculous. I was embarrassed to to go to work cause someone might notice. I felt not so hot the days after as well...My prometrium also made me more miserable than ever before too!!! So crampy after about 10 minutes of having it in..and I cant even tell you about my boobs...I cant even walk at night I could cry they hurt so bad...but I guess its all part of the process.

You know what sucks the most out of all of it? I don't think it worked. Last night at work I had really bad cramps and today a little off and on..you know the period cramps you get when you know for sure she is coming! I cant believe after all that misery it most likely didn't work! ALSO - they said to treat myself as if I was pregnant...no drinking (not such a big deal) - no cold cuts (that's all I eat for lunch)!!! and now after all that I think I am going to get my period.

Does it ever end? Why did I think the power of positive thinking would change anything? Why did I think if I wore my lucky four leaf clover, silver necklace and my charm bracelet with all my fertility charms that it would matter...I have not taken them off since and trust me - my charm bracelet makes a ton of noise at night!

Where do I go from here? I'm still not into this IVF deal....I read all you all go through, and although some of you have been successful...its seems terribly painful, heartbreaking and exhausting...am I up for it? I cant even handle how I felt from this last IUI and that was nothing compared to some of you. I am just really at a crossroads.

I'm feeling jealous, betrayed, sad, mad etc...why, why, why??????? I know I have to get past it, but I'm having a hard time sometimes...I try to be positive but its really hard sometimes...

Is it just easier to give up? Its like the lesser of two evils....

Day 14 will be Tuesday but we are driving to FL right now so if she doesn't arrive by wed I will test but not til then cause I know she will be a bitch and show up early this weekend - shes just like that!

LOVE YA!!!

Katie over at "Isint TTC supposed to be Fun" was awesome and gave me this LOVE YA award to me a few days ago!!




Now I have to choose only 8 wonderful blogs to pass this award on to...
"These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award!"

http://statisticallyscrewed.blogspot.com

http://achronicdose.blogspot.com

http://barrenisthenewblack.wordpress.com

http://fertilitychallangedfla.blogspot.com

http://happeningsofagirl.blogspot.com

http://missandrae.blogspot.com

http://indianaopenwindow.blogspot.com

http://122075.blogspot.com

What a Dream!

When a women has a dream she is pregnant it always means someone around them is pregnant - not themselves- but does it mean the same for a man who has this dream?

This morning when my husband got up very very early I happened to stir awake..he noticed and cuddled me from behind for a moment and was kissing my head and he whispered ever so lightly and lovingly..."I had a dream we were pregnant"...in 2 years of all this IF he has NEVER had a dream like this.

MY FIRST BLOG AWARD!!! nominated by 2 people

I cant believe I was nominated for the Honest Scrap Award! I want to Thank You so much - its one thing to have a nice amount of followers but to be noticed for what I write is really an honor. Sometimes I feel like the things I write are not good (I am sure a lot of us feel that way) so its nice to be noticed! So Thank You again to:

G & H @ ~ Journey to a "Wondraful" Baby &
Ang @ ~ Our TTC Journey

Here are the rules:

1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.

2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap." Well, there's no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.

3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself


1) I have over 15 shows on season pass on my DVR...Yes, I'm a crazy TV fanatic!

2) I hate to fly more than ANYTHING in life...probably because I have serious fear of death

3) Although I live in NE, I HATE SNOW!!!! and cold

4) I love my husband more than words could ever express

5) I love my family so much so that I would DIE if anything happen to any of them!

6) I secretly wish I was a celebrity and could walk the red carpet!

7) Sometimes I have such awful thoughts that I think I may go to hell someday...all to do with this shitty club I belong - IF!

8) I am not sure what I will do when my Nonni dies...she is 94 and she is the most wonderful person...I usto live with her and she is fun, vibrant and a lot of fun! That is why whenever I do actually have a child...if it is a girl, her middle name will be Lena after her.

9) I LOVE my house!

10) I am very thankful for all my wonderful friends!

SO...on to my 7 nominations!

MJ
I cant believe all the things that one person would have to endure if their lifetime...She has had so many things go wrong for her but she is so positive and strong! I wonder where she gets her strength every time she composes an entry. Some of us would have give up by now but not her. She is amazing!

Michelle
I like that she writes about all sorts of things going on in her life. She has been through SO much - I wonder how she continues to stand strong! Because she is strong..She is funny - check out her 100th post, 100 Things I learned through IF.

Liv
I love her cause she looks so cute in her picture!! I love that her husband leaves her cute notes...Shes sweet, funny & caring.

Tarah
Someone I have never met...but would love to!!! We chat via email since meeting in blogland. I noticed she makes jewelry and asked if she made infertility charms for bracelets...and she went out of her way to work on one..I since purchased it and LOVE IT!! She is a wonderful person!

The Angry Infertile
All I can say is she ALWAYS makes me laugh - she has a great way with words and she is brutally honest! I love reading what she writes!

Murgdan
After all the obstacles she has to overcome to become pregnant she is positive and continues to move forward while being funny, caring and sensitive! I look forward to reading her blog every time I see she has posted something new!

S~
I just love her blog! I love the every entry she makes she writes at the bottom about 4 things she is currently grateful for. Although she belongs to this terrible club, she always tries to see some positive!

Nat
This is one of the first blogs I started to follow. She is one of the people in blogland that I look up to..I cant even get my head around IVF and she is on her 4th round making it all look so easy. She has had a tough, tough ride - I wonder sometimes where she gets all her strength?

So..there it is - that was a long post!

Thanks again!

A Quick Thank You!

I only have a minute but I wanted to thank the three bloggers that nominated me for an award...when I have more than a minute I will write my entry and post my award but I wanted you all to know that I couldnt do it yet and that I thank you so very much - you all MADE MY DAY!