Friday, October 24, 2008

Are there really any guarantees?

I just got back from another session of acupuncture. When I am there and I am laying on the table for 45 minutes I tend to think about fertility and the lack there of...the entire time negative thoughts consume my entire appointment. I have to tell you today was soo different.

Since I started this blog, which was only like 5 days ago, I'm feeling soo much better. I feel like I haven't even felt sorry for myself really once this week. I gave my acupuncturist my blog an email since she is treating quite a few women that have the same frustrations that I do and told her if she would like to post the information and tell them about the blog and if they want to email me too they certainly can. I received an email the first night!! I have never been sooo happy - I felt like what I was doing was helping another women/couple"s and that's exactly why I decided to do this. I have been so wrapped up in my blog and talking to this other women that I have honestly not thought about myself for once since I can even remember.
It feels sooo good :-)

Although on a side note.... so weird this week...I'm on day 20 and we think I ovulated somewhere between 13 & 16 and wed night I had to get up at 5am after tossing and turning because I had such abdomen cramps...and then on Thursday when I went to work I was fine and then at the end of the shift around 8 I started to feel ill again....Like wicked bloated - almost like gas pains in stomach but a little crampy too. I came home at 11 and hadn't eaten since lunch at 2pm but could not eat because even though I felt a little hungry I was nauseous and crampy and now today I'm fine - seriously??? Has anyone had the HSG test and felt like this a week later - is it screwing with my ovulation and abdomen or am I just nuts!

I will tell you that at work this week I waited on a couple - she was about 22 ( I had to card her) and she was with her fiance or husband and their two did I originally want to wait on them when I saw them at my table - no...but I had to so I did and they were soo nice and their daughter who was 3 (but told me she was 7) couldn't have been any cuter with her blond pigtails! And then last night I was waiting on this couple and asked if they would like something from the bar and he said oh she cant but i will and then I realized of course - shes fricken pregnant too! Like everyone else in the world. But I honestly thought about it for like 5 minutes and was over it.

Its like aren't we all so sick of always thinking about it but you cant help where your thoughts go. And if you like me, I have a great husband and family, I have a great job but only work 2 days a week and then I'm just doing other things but really I'm home, alone, in a quiet house so how can I not think about it.

I look at that mother that was 22 and think - well I'm just stupid! I should have started trying 5 years ago when my husband wanted to BUT, I wasn't ready! I just wasn't ready but now look at things. Really sometimes I think maybe I will just will never be pregnant and you know what frankly I obsess over that but that's not even the thing...what if I get pregnant again and miscarry again -why am I so focused on even getting pregnant when really...carrying to term is not even a guarantee.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The frustrating parts of dealing with infertility

Did I mention yet that last week I found out in 2 days that 3 people close to me are pregnant...that's just the current ones - there have been quite a few in the past year that have come about too...

When I had my miscarriage my sister was pregnant with my 2nd niece. In the meantime her friend has had twins then another baby. My cousin had another child. My sister-in-law just had my new niece a week ago. My friend Nicole is having a baby in December. Then the three that I just found out are pregnant. My cousins new wife, a friend from college and a friend from high school.

How much can we really take? I feel so happy for those people that get to experience such a joy but I also feel sad that it isint me. To be honest, I think I have every right to feel all that I am feeling. If your reading this and you are going through the same thing then you will agree with me. Why is it the entire world around me is getting pregnant and having babies but me?

I know its not logical but its the feeling that why can someone else's body function so perfectly but mine cant. I know you feel the same way I do and its totally frustrating. Sometimes it's all I can think about. I don't think it's fair and I sometimes wonder what I did in the past to be punished? I have never been a big drinker, I have never done drugs and have always obeyed the law so what gives??? I guess we will never have an answer.

For those of us dealing with infertility, they tell us to not drink to be careful of what we put into our body..not to be too thin or too heavy because that can cause problems too. Try not to get stressed because that can reak havock on a system too...all sorts of things to do and not to do but why?? There are people all over the world that abuse their bodies and get pregnant very easily? How is that possible? There really is no rhyme or reason to any of it so we just have to gather together and give eachother support. That is really all we can do.

I feel like such a terrible person for feeling jealous even of those people that I know and love but can you really help how you feel? People that don't understand because they never had to deal with any of this will probably read this and think I'm crazy but how can they possibly form and opinion when they have never been through it and don't know at all what it feels like....It sucks and I would not wish this on my worst enemy...but I do feel glad to know there are other people out there like me that can take comfort in knowing at least they are not alone..

My Dye Test

My Dye test was scheduled for last tue October 14th at 12:30pm. Jack (my husband) took the day off to take me and take care of me after. I was not sure how I was going to feel after considering all the stuff that people told me and all the stuff I read online.

I actually was not feeling nervous in the morning...and I am a Nervous Nelly....But, I scheduled an acupuncture appointment for 10am so I could try and distress in case needed. I'm glad I did because I felt more relaxed. On the ride to the hospital which is literally 10 minutes at the most I started to get nervous. My palms started to sweat and my belly is starting to hurt. I have this problem when I get really nervous it goes right to my stomach.... I'm actually getting a little belly ache while I talk about this...silly!

We get to the hospital and check in...we only have to wait a few minutes and they tell me that Jack cant come in with me because of the radiation he would be exposed to. I really wanted him to be in there with me not only for moral support because I'm afraid it will hurt but also because I wanted him to see what what was going to be displayed on the screen so I would not have to try and explain it afterwards. But oh well...

So, if you have never had the dye test before I'm going to explain it all as literal as I can. They have me sit on this long metal table (its covered with blankets) and there is a movable x-ray screen that will be moved about you once you lay down and a movable TV so you can see everything as it happens. The nurse talks to me and tells me what is going to happen. She is really nice and stays and talks to me while we wait for Dr.Hughes to come down from his practice. I am at this point freaking out inside! Dr.Hughes comes in with a nice smile on his face. I tell him Dr.Hughes I don't want to do this anymore...and he says well what do you want to do? I said go home! he laughed - he said you will be fine.... I said you better tell me everything your doing - you know how I am I want NO surprises!

He has me come to the edge of the table with my feet at the edge and knees bent and legs open - love it ha??? Just like a regular gyno appointment with no stirrups. He puts a solution on the cervix to cleanse it I guess.... and he says OK - I'm going to insert the catheter in through your cervix and you will start to feel a little cramping...OK I actually feel nothing yet.. He says now we are going to inflate the balloon. (there is a balloon on the end of the catheter that they inflate to keep the catheter in while they inject the dye) .The PAIN is like NOTHING I have EVER felt before!!! Even my miscarriage was not this bad! I felt hot, dizzy, nauseous and felt like I wanted to cry! All the girls on the Internet that said it doesn't really hurt or its like bad period pains - they are lying or have a majorly high threshold of pain!!! I have NEVER had period cramps that bad and if you do you might want to go see a doctor! Anyway, I'm telling you this so there are no surprises. Now, can you get through the pain - ABSOLUTELY - but be aware, it HURTS like a mother!!!!!
OK - moving on...they then tell me to move up the table and lay my legs flat - now isn't that funny - they want me to move!!! I kind of slide so my whole body is now flat. I was like " wheres the TV..I want to see whats going on" they move the monitor so I can see when he inserts the dye. He says OK now I am going to insert the dye - you might feel some wasn't too bad actually..and there goes the dye - it flies right through my tubes and spills out the other end. He said WOW - you are really moving - speedy! Your tubes and cervix are perfectly clear!! Yeah.... he then takes the catheter out and were done. I know this seems like it was a long time but it literally only took 5 minutes. He said that from what we did things look great but we still don't know what is going on on the other if there is any endometriosis or anything else.
He said that all the women in the office said for him to take care of me and make sure I'm okay - I said please tell them all I said hello! Tell them I miss them..but not enough to get up at 6am to visit hahah...I told him that I am going to lay low until the first of the year...and that I will contact him then depending on what happens. He smiles and says OK!

My new found love - ACUPUNCTURE

Have you ever tried acupuncture? If you are reading this and you are experiencing problems getting pregnant - all I can say is you should try acupuncture. For me, I hoped it would help balance out my hormones and whatever else that seemed to be failing in my body.

I went to the website and filled out the health form and went for my first appointment. I had no idea what to expect. Nicole had told me that she was really nice so that's always a plus! So Sarah comes out to the waiting room to get me and I'm pleasantly surprised....she is very young and sweet and instantly made me feel at ease. We discussed my issues and what I was trying to accomplish. She asked me if I would mind charting my temperature since it helps her to see what is going on. Fine by me, I'm usto that. So she asked me to get comfortable on the table so I did.

She carefully puts the needles into the points she knows will help. I can say that it hurt the first time because I was tense not knowing what to expect. But all my appointments now are much easier. Yes, it pinches sometimes but not as bad as some things I have experienced and it only pinches for like a second. So she gets all the needles in and asks if I would like the heat lamp, a face mask or music? All of the above! She puts some nice soothing Enya on and says she'll check back with me. About 15 minutes later she quietly enters and asks if I'm doing okay and I reply yes and she says "OK good" and quietly shuts the door. I actually can say that first appointment, I fell asleep. It was so relaxing and I felt that I was doing something good for my body instead of pumping it with drugs.

Come to find out my mom tells me that our old neighbors daughter was having difficulty getting pregnant and didn't want to do any drugs so she tried acupuncture and was pregnant in 3 months and then tried it again for her second and was pregnant right away.
I also met a wife of someone who works for my husband who was having difficulty and she was a little older and decided to get acupuncture...she was pregnant in 3 months as well. I thought, well if it works for all these people than maybe there is a real chance it could work for me.

After my first month with Sarah she notices something is not really changing on my BBT (Basil Body temperature) chart and asks if I would be opposed to taking herbs? I said absolutely now if you think it will help. So now I have these herbs...I have no idea what to do with them, I thought they would be in the form of a pill....Apparently you add them to 2 - twice a day. She tells me some people just use a little hot water and shoot it down - so I tried that and almost throw up they taste so gross! So I tell her...and she says I can add a tea bag and some honey but not to add milk or sugar and not to add the herbs when the water is boiling because it will hurt the herbs. So I do all of that and I can actually deal. I mean its not fun by any means to have to remember to take herbs every morning and every night but if it means I can avoid that Laprascopy then I'm all for it!!!!!!!!!!

For the first cycle on herbs I actually ovulated on a normal day 14. I have not ovulated on day 14 in years....I was always ovulating so early - like on day 8...Now I'm thinking that must not have been good, maybe my eggs were not getting as mature as they should...I mean I'm thinking all sorts of things but I am soooo excited that I finally had a normal cycle - things really were getting better!

I have been going to Sarah now since June I think and I cant tell you how great I feel. I was a major IB Profrin popper....I had a headache, no headaches really in months. I'm sleeping through the night with no tossing and turning and my periods are great. Sarah told me in the beginning that your period should not come with any cramps and no brown blood really. She said your period should just show up, be red and then fade away to nothing after about 4 days. She said when you get cramps its because there are clots that are restricting the blood from moving freely. My periods are soo much better now. Last month I didn't have one symptom and my temps were great.

I was so excited to be doing so much better from this practice that I knew nothing about. I wanted to change that and try and understand what it was that acupuncture was doing. I went to Amazon and ordered all sorts of books on acupuncture & Infertility. I learned so much! I wish I had started acupuncture a long time ago - maybe things would be different? But I guess I really cant think that way. I just have to be happy that I found something that seems to be working for me.

Last month - September to be exact I started thinking....I can see that things are changing based on my temp chart but how do I know if this is working for me internally? How do I justify spending $118. a week on something that I have no proof is working? So I decided to call Dr.Hughes to see if we could do some blood work to check my hormone levels. I was excited and nervous...what if this new found love I have is not working? What do I do then? And why would it not be working but working for other people? Anyway - on to get blood work done to find out for sure.

It was really nice to see I mentioned before hes so nice and so accommodating. So he took my blood then did an internal. He said everything looked great and all on my own I have a large follicle on my right side ( I'm beginning to find my left side is very lazy) and my uterine lining is about 18. Sarah said that's excellent so I was very happy! Dr.Hughes said that I should come in again in another week to check my estrogen levels etc. Ok - works for me, this is the true tell tale test. My results of the blood work for that week are good...I cant remember what the numbers were - they are not as important as the others one the following week!

I head back the following week at 6AM - oh yeah - fun! Who the hell is up at that hour anyway - its not right! We take my blood and then we chat....he still wants me to have the Laproscopy and I tell him I just cant...I'm not ready. I am way to freaked about going under...Freaks me out! But I ask him if maybe we can do the dye test. I think that I can now handle that one. I know its supposed to hurt but....I think we need to see if my tubes are blocked. He agrees and we schedule it. He tells me to call to get my blood work results at 3pm. I tell him to let the women know when I call that I want the numbers because her telling me things look good does nothing for me...I didnt know what the heck that means and frankly neither does she probably.

Ok so here's the deal...He tells me that when I started coming to him back in Dec of 2006 my estrogen was like no existent. They like to see it anywhere from 200-400....mine was 86 and never changed....ok now I see why I cant get pregnant! There was another number but I cant remember right now what it was good though. So I call at three and she says Doctor Hughes said things are so much better. She says my estrogen - all on my own with acupuncture & herbs mind you is....313!!!! YEAH!!!! I'm so ecstatic! Its working that acupuncture! There is some truth to it all!!! I was so relieved...I can now continue with it...

Next time I see Sarah I tell her the great news and she is soo excited and she sees that my temps are better too. She says that she knows it's all frustrating and that she knows the unfortunate thing with acupuncture is it doesn't happen over night...its a process and that it really takes the body 3-6 months to get usto it.... I can deal with that. So I decided that this is what I will do until the first of the year. I want to give the acupuncture the appropriate amount of time for it to work. I want to hopefully get pregnant this way than with the drugs.

If you live in the area of Nashua, NH you should check Nashua Acupuncture and Sarah out. Their website is

My Summer off I mentioned under my life at doctor Hughes office I decided to take the summer off. I didn't want to be shooting up these hormone drugs and getting up at the crack of dawn all summer. I wanted to feel like a normal person again at least for a little while.

I told Nicole that I decided to take a break and once again she told me that I should consider acupuncture. I actually never even thought about it because I didn't really know anything about it. She told me that her only successful IVF cycle (this last one) was when she coupled it with acupuncture. She is not sure if the acupuncture is what did it, but it must have helped she said.

I figured what could it hurt. The place is right here in Nashua. Its called Nashua Acupuncture and her name is I checked out the website and was excited to see they have a whole section dedicated to Infertility. I never realized acupuncture was such a big deal. I liked what I read, a lot. So I called and made an appointment with Sarah.

Then after a few days, I started to second guess myself....why am I making an appointment when I said that I would take the summer off? So I cancelled. However, something Sarah had said when we first talked kept ringing in my head. It usually takes about 3 months to get your body where it needs to be. Again, I thought....well...that would bring me to the end of the summer and if I decided to another IUI then my body will hopefully (providing it worked) be where it should be. I called back and rescheduled.

I will tell you the power of actually taking time off from something like infertility and the drugs that you have to use. I have never felt so good. I couldn't believe the difference I felt in my body and even in my mood. I started to wonder why I ever started the drugs and IUI's. Yeh I know....I needed to. Well I didn't need to but if I wanted the hope of something different then I would have to try something other than letting it just hopefully happen. Its sooo frustrating ha?

Monday, October 20, 2008

A friend that brings a SPECIAL connection

I am friends with her sister Michelle who I work with at Longhorn. Ive met her sister Nicole before but we weren't friends. Not in a bad way we just didn't know each other well. Michelle knew what I was going through and shared that Nicole was going through some stuff too. I told her that if her and Nicole ever talked about it to tell her that she could email me anytime if she wanted to talk to someone who knew what it was like (somewhat) or that maybe she might like to try a different doctor, like Dr.Hughes.

I guess its not really important how it happened but Nicole and I started talking, a lot. At first it was really just via text. Then we talked at a party Michelle (her sister) had. And our relationship grew from there

Nicole had been trying to get pregnant for 4 years! She had a few miscarriages, failed IUI's and 2 IVF cycles....she was frustrated to say the least and discouraged. And if you have ever been through this you know why she felt the way she did.

At one point in the past she actually put her house on the market because she literally wanted to get away from everything. I think she realized that unfortunately it would not matter where she was living it was not going to change the fact that she could not get pregnant. So she took it off the market and just went on vacations and bought herself things to make herself feel better. If you've been there you have your "thing" too that makes you feel better. But was it really making her feel better - not really. She would got to work and look at pregnant people and feel annoyed and jealous. Do you feel like that - I know I do. And its completely normal - at least that's what we tell each other.

After we started talking via text more frequently I knew that she was going to try one more IVF cycle. This time she was going to try something different - she was going to do Assisted Hatching with ICSI where they inject the sperm directly into the egg. This was now her 3rd IVF cycle. All three were high grade embryos and one had started to fuse to the next stage early on day 3 before the transfer which was good!
That time of the month came and she was pissed - she sent me a text saying she felt crampy and that she knew that she was going to get her period and she was pissed! And you know what - who can blame her? But I told her to try and stay positive even though I know now that its so hard and that maybe she's pregnant and that's what the cramping is. So days go by and I text her and ask if she's gotten it yet and she says no but she doesn't want to take a test cause shes afraid cause their always negative. I said I didn't know how she could even hold out - the suspense would kill me.

I don't even know how many days went could have been just one when I got a text that said she took the test and it was positive! I was soo excited for her! But as you know, she didn't believe it and was not going to until she actually knew it was a viable one and it stayed that way. I'm happy to say that I was just at her baby shower on Sunday and she is having a girl, Ella.

I'm telling you all this because she is part of the reason I started this blog. She really has been a rock for me. Not only do we have SO much in common. Sometimes its like we were cut from the same cloth. She always helps me talk through what I am feeling because she was there - she went through it all and then some. I feel like there is a special bond between us. I mean I love my family & my husband and they truly try to understand but as you know, no one will understand unless they have experienced it themselves. She has given me advice, she has felt sad for me, she has shared her pregnancy with me and she never has made me feel bad about the fact that she's pregnant and I'm not. When I need to vent I text her....and she lets me be mean or stupid or whatever....especially when everyone around me is getting pregnant. We hope to someday raise our children together....She gets it and that's where the bond started & it will always be there.

Living life with Dr.Hughes office

When I met him he instantly made me feel warm and comfortable. He listened to everything I said, all my concerns and he never made me feel rushed. This is my fertility doctor, Dr. Hughes. In case you live in the area he practices at Lowell General Hospital. He is soooo awesome!!! He has spent numerous appointments with me, some lasting 45 minutes because we are just talking. I do however ask a lot of questions. Not only do I find this whole process interesting, I want to know what he sees and what is going on. I want to be informed! Unfortunately he only sees his fertility patients between 6-7am. I know its sheer torture but once I'm there he instantly makes me forget that. He is soo nice - I cant even say enough. His right hand person Erin is fabulous too! His entire office is wonderful - they actually make me miss them. Not that I want to get up that early all the time.

So he takes my blood work and does an internal ultrasound. He says that internally from what he can see things look good. Not that they can really see much. So he says to call after 2 and get my results. We discuss that maybe for now we will just take blood work at the appropriate times of the month and go from there. In the meantime he tells me that Jack should get tested. Which we do and things come back great. So I'm thinking I guess its me....

Come to find out my hormones are like non-existant...Dr.Hughes says my brain is on hiatus...its perfectly happy producing those low hormones. He said that could be part of why I had a miscarriage. (As a side note - what I had they call a Blighted Ovum. As I understand it, its basically an empty sac. Your hormone levels go up just like a pregnancy but the body senses there was something wrong and it basically aborts it.) He said maybe the fetal pole started to rise and sensed something was not right so it went back down and nothing ever grew.

OK, this is something that I can deal with because it seems as if its easily fixable. So its kind of hard to remember sometimes since I feel like Ive done so much but what came next was he recommended a Hysterscopy. Have you ever had one? Well, he said that I should actually have that dye test (which I cant spell the correct name of) but I opted for the Hysterscopy because I heard the dye test hurt. Yes, I'm a wimp! I'm also very slow in how I want my process of all this to be.
SO, I get the hysterscopy test done. It actually didn't hurt UNTIL he decided to take a sample of my uterine wall. Yeh, that hurt like a son-of-a-bitch! But, its over soon enough. So the test showed my tubes were open and the sample came back negative for whatever it was he was looking for which to be honest, I forget now. haha
So really now, nothing is working on its own so its time to make a decision. Do I take the next step and have an IUI. For those of you who are not familiar with that term its Intrauterine Insemination. Basically they take sperm and insert it in you into the cervix so they can get as much up there as they can.

Do I really want to do this IUI? No, I wanted to get pregnant the regular old-fashioned way. But hey its not working that way so have to do something different!

If you've been where I was....its very exciting to take those shots ha? NOT! Not only did I have to take them but I had to pay $1000.00 for them because our insurance does not cover them. Oh well....whatcha gonna do? What you have to!

The first night I had to take them was hysterical. I got out of work and came home to a nice package of syringes. So my husband reads the directions carefully...almost too carefully cause I'm starting to get annoyed cause I just want to get it over with! So whatever, we go to do it - hes going to administer it into my stomach but we cant stop laughing! I mean it was so funny sitting there saying okay go! no wait! I said just give it to me and let me do I take it and just inject it. It was fine - felt a little weird but OK. So we do this for the next week. I go to the doctors and my hormones and follicles are coming along great. So we do the IUI and NOTHING! To make a long story short - I did the IUI three times and it didn't work. Well 2 times but we did the IUI twice on one of the times.

Oh and one time in the begining...I was alone and had to administer the shot that makes you ovulate. So I called my sister - on her way to a wake she swung by to do it for me. I think we stood there with the needle for 1/2 hour. The poor thing was sweating. She couldnt do it - she felt to bad and was afraid she was going to hurt me and she had never done this before. Ok so now the needle is full and I have to drive to her friend Sara's house (she is a nurse & has done this before) so she can do it for me - in my butt none the less. I get to her house - we go into the bathroom and I tell her to let me know when she is going to do it and she says ok done - I'm like ha? I didnt even feel anything....I guess you do what you have to do to get the job done - even if it means driving to someone who can do it for you!

So after the failed IUI's I asked Dr.Hughes "is there something else that could be wrong that we don't know about?" I mean why isn't it clicking? He said that even though we did the Hysterscopy we cant really tell what else is going on - like if I have endometriosis or not? I have never had any symptoms but he says that really what he recommends is a Laproscopy. He explains that you are under and they make a small incision by the belly button and go in and they can see everything! If there is anything that needs fixing they can do it right there and then - proving it can be fixed! I think to myself ok, doesn't sound to bad. But then I go home and have time to think about it and decide yeh - NO WAY! Maybe its me but sometimes the Internet does not help! So I decide that this is not something I can do at all right now so I call Erin at Dr.Hughes and tell them that I need to think about this surgery.

Over the next few weeks I realize that I am seriously out of control. I knew that something had to change when I was watching the season finale of The Bachelorette and I literally cried through the entire 2 hour show. I was not myself anymore. I was bloated and constantly sad...the hormones in those drugs are a killer. It was then I made the decision that I needed a break. My body needed one and I mentally needed one! I want to enjoy my summer and not get up at the crack of dawn and shoot needles into my body for weeks on end. I was toast. So I called Dr.Hughes and told him that I needed some time off. I told him that I would contact them after the summer was over.

Life after the miscarriage

After time goes on things really do get better. Im not sure how it worked for you but for me it really solidifed that I wanted to have children. I know your thinking she didnt know??? well I did but but once I was pregnant I felt like "Am I sure???" I know a lot of women go through that when they get pregnant and I did too but after the miscarriage I definitely knew that it was what I wanted. I was soo sad after losing the baby - or whatever it was? I also felt like such a failure and most of all I felt so bad for my husband - that I lost his baby. Eventually you do get over the sadness and you move on.
I was actually feeling pretty good. I mean hey I got pregnant and most people said oh a lot of people get pregnant pretty soon after a miscarriage. That actually helps you move on because you think well it will happen probably for me too! But as the months went on, nothing happened. Was I not timing it right? Was something wrong? Was I overthinking it? I always swore I would NOT be one of those people who obsessed over it. Guess what? I became just that and it was driving me mad. But, I just figured it would happen.
In November 2007 I was in New Jersey visiting my cousin with my mom and for some reason she told me that her friends daughter was seeing Dr.Hughes in Lowell. Dr.Hughes is a fertility specialist at a hospital about 5 minutes from my house. She said that he was wonderful! I figured really what could it hurt to talk to him and maybe see whats going on. So I made the call and made an appointment for December.

How it all started

I dont mind sharing my story with anyone really so that is why I decided to start this blog. I know what its like to sometimes feel like you are the only out there that cant get pregnant. And when you have those feelings, no matter what they are, you feel like you are the only one experiencing them. At least thats how I feel a lot of the time.

So it started about 2 years ago when we decided like probably all you reading this that we were going to start "trying". We have all been there - we say to ourselves that we will just so what where doing and we wont worry about it and whatever happens happens. Then that lasts about a few months...and out the window it goes.

So we tried for a few months and then I happen to have a doctors appointment in Dec of 2006. I wanted to make sure I was doing all that I could to get pregnant. I felt stupid to ask if I was doing everything right but nothing was working so I wanted to make sure. So he told me to make sure I had my hips elevated after (I thought you just put your legs up hahah) and to make sure I lay there for about 1/2 hour and I laughed again cause I usto lay there for like 5 minutes. So home I go....would you not believe that the next month I find out Im pregnant!!!!! I couldnt believe it! Apparently I was doing something wrong.

Now I schedule my appointment for the usual 8 weeks - ugh! But I ended up taking a new job at a different restaurant and our big test was on that same day as my appointment. I figured why would anything be wrong? I could just postpone it one more week. Im not sure when it hapened but at about 10 weeks I guess I had some blood...I called the hotline and she was not overly concerned and said that either its nothing or a start of a miscarriage. So matter of fact for her with no blink of an eye probably. GREAT! But then it went away....and I had no cramping or pain or anything. So the day of my test I got stuck in a major snow storm and could not make it in time and had to call but it wasnt just that - I was bleeding way more....I knew something had to be wrong. They said that I would come in first thing in the morning.

I told my husband it wasnt a big deal for him to come because I didnt really think there would be anything wrong. My sister had an appointment at the same place at the same time (she was pregnant with my 2nd niece). So she came in with me and they did an internal ultrasound. I knew the minute I saw the screen but what did I know really, I had never been in that situation before. The women said that I was definitely not as far along as I thought and that if anything I was 6 weeks. She told me to get dressed and that the doctor would come see me. That was when I knew, I went to the bathroom and it was awful. I wont even go into detail cause if you've ever been through it you know and if you havnt its a bummer. My sister at this time does not say anything even though she knows...of course she knows shes had two kids.

The doctor came in and told me that there was nothing in the gestational sac. That the blood was the start of a miscarriage. She said it was nothing you did and blah blah blah...... so I had to go get bloodwork done so I went down and my sister came to find me and all she could relaly do was say she was sorry and hug me.

I got my blood work done and called my husband and just told him that I was sorry and that there was no baby - ever. They told me that I could just go home and basically pass the sac myself since there was nothing there. I wonder how many of you reading this had to have a miscarriage at home without having a D&C?? It wasnt fun to say the least. It was pretty gross and pretty painful but let me tell you - at that point I just wanted it to be over. I wanted to just start over.