Saturday, November 29, 2008

I NEED advice & help

Ok so one more month from now and If Im not pregnant I have to go back to my fertility specialist. I decided to just take the summer off as you might recall but it sort of stretched until Jan. I was just loving how great I was feeling with out all the shots & early morning appointments. But its still not working. My period is soo good now that acupuncture and my herbs have gotten everything in line but its still not clicking for some reason.

So here is my dilema.....

Of all the tests Ive had they all show that I am fine. The only test that I have not had is the Laprascopy. My specialist thinks that I should have it and I have been refusing up until now. I have never had any Endo symptoms so I dont understnad why I have to have it? I DONT want to have it. I am FREAKED out beyond belief about not only going under but also having an incision in my belly button and all the other crap that goes with it.

Is it something that I should do to rule the last test out? What if it says there is nothing wrong adn Im still not getting pregnant? Should I go back to Dr.Hughes in January and do one more IUI coupled with the acupuncture and then if that one doesnt work have the laproscopy???


What a bad week!

So here we are on our first week back from vacation. Its not so great in the real world.

I came home sun at midnight and woke Monday to go with my parents to put my cat that we have had for 17 years to sleep. Some of you reading this will not think this is a big deal at all but to me it was one of the most monumental things Ive had to be part of in my life. I brought Sparky home 17 years ago after our other cat passed away. My mom did not want another cat but a friend had kittens and he followed me around - he was like a little spark which is how he got his name "Sparky". He was the most beautiful black furry cat ever and he had the best demeanor. He was just a wonderful cat and it makes me sick every time I think about what we had to do.

He has had cancer for about a month now and they thought the drugs might shrink it but mom said while I was in Cancun he got worse. They waited until I got home since he started out as my cat. It ended up when I moved out after H.S he stayed with them and became theirs. So they waited for me and I was not sure if I wanted to be there or not. Jack told me that I would probably regret not being there. So with my parents 10 hours after getting home from vacation I went to the vet. Mom cried almost the entire ride there. I knew she would because she loves him so much - just like another child.

The doctor said he was really sick and not going to get better....his cancer got bigger and is now probably restricting his passage ways to his tummy which is why he has lost weight. So now here's the decision....we don't want to make him suffer just because we cant seem to let go so we have to put him to sleep. Do we stay in the room? We don't want him to be Me, Mom & Dad stay and it was torture. I love him like he was my baby and the last thing I want to do is let him go. One minute hes breathing and the next hes not. It does not hurt at all at least not him but it kills the 3 of us. And just like that he is gone....and I am sooo sad still.

I'm sorry to go on for so long about this but it speaks to how bad my week has been....

Then when I get back my sister (who I work with) tells me that she has something to tell me that she doesn't want to but I should know. Now, I say OK - who's pregnant? And she tells me that a guy we work with wife's pregnant. They have been trying for maybe 3/4 months and just got married over the summer. OK..I can deal...I am happy for them.

THEN...yesterday one of my best friends from college calls me to tell me she is also pregnant...I thought that I might cry but I hold it in cause frankly she doesn't deserve it! She probably didn't even want to tell me either. But I am so happy for her as well...she is one of my best friends!

BUT I still feel like its so not fair!!! I have been trying for 2 years now and when the hell is going to be my turn? I just want to go back on vacation and not come back until I'm finally pregnant and I don't want one person to call me with news that someone else is cause frankly I cant take any more pregnancy's!!!

Friday, November 21, 2008

Laughing is so good for Infertiles

Were on our last 3 days of vacation in the Riviera Maya and I have to say that I have not laughed this much in I dont know how long. I mean I laugh when things are funny and I laugh and have a good time but this has been constant laughter night after night.

We have met some really great people down here that have contributed to the laughing! I know a lot of you out there are saving for IVF etc...and I should not talk because I have not gone through anything compared to a lot of people/blogs out there but I just have to say if you can scrape any money together or maybe your not saving for IVF right yet and you have a little extra money - GO ON VACATION!!!

For people like "us infertiles" this vacation has really been such a blessing...Yes, Im still infertile and I will probbaby have to do a lot of things that I dont want to come January but this vacation has made me laugh more than I have in a long time and it feels so nice.

Yes, maybe the fleeting thought has crossed my mind about how AF is supposed to arrive in 2 days (even though I feel nothing). And yes, I was/am annoyed at those preggo's here on my vacation but as the week went on those feelings faded. I am doing all those things they cant. I can drink, eat anything, get a ton of sun & even go sailing! Not that I am saying I would rather be this way but for this moment I am looking at the bright side.

Someday I will have a child - someday...BUT for now (this moment), vacation has made these things so much easier to let go of...So, if you have a little extra money - take some time for you and your husband or s/o and enjoy! Lifes so short and infertility is so exhausting!

Monday, November 17, 2008

Reporting from Cancun

Written in Journal on Nov 15th...

Im at the Secrets Silversands in The Riviera Maya, Mexico. It is our first Unlimited Luxury, Adults-Only, All-Inculsive. It is amazing!

About a week prior to leaving whenever I would say good-bye to people or guests at work and that I would not see them next week because I would be on vacation their response would be "Your going away AGAIN"!? With a strong emphasis on AGAIN..

You know what? Im nice when I respond but frankly Im completely annoyed that I have to justify this! I have NO CHILDREN! Its just me and Jack and we both work so we have the time & money to go on vacation. And you know what..if I want to treat myself to make myself feel better then I have every right! I resent it when people ask like that. Then everyone says oh well do it now cause once you have kids you wont be able to...ya no fricken kidding! Thanks for re-inforcing the no children factor.

Anyway - enough of that....

So were here and I cant believe that I had the audacity to think that MY vacation would be pregnant free...other pregnancy's - not mine! Maybe I just hoped..hoped to get away from the infertility for a little, especially on vacation.

BUT, I guess that was to much to ask for..Ive been here about 24 hours and I have already walked past 3 pregnant people. Seriously...cant they just get out of my infertility free vacaton!

At one point when I saw the 3rd one at breakfast I said to Jack - another pregnant person - maybe its my imagination? Maybe they are not actually pregnant?? Nope - not a chance...then when we went to Playa Del Carmen yesterday for the day there were pregnant women & girls everywhere!

For once - all I ask on vacation is "Stop the Insanity" and let me at least have my vacation!

From the Flight Deck

I wrote this on the plane in my journal on friday the 14th:

Finally in Dallas - made it safely..I was such a basket case for the past few days it was rediculous.

I realized a few things:
1) I will NOT be traveling when Im pregnant
2) Im not traveling after I have a baby
3) That I need some SERIOUS therapy!

Jack keeps telling me that I really need to talk to someone about this. He said its not the fear of flying that Im scared of its the irrational fear of death that I have. I think he is definitely right about that! So I think that is the first thing I am going to do when I get home - get some therapy!

So I bought some ovulation sticks before I left on for my next cycle when I get home. I have never used them before...I have been charting for so long I thought that was enough but then a little birdy told me about them (you know who you are) and so I decided ehy its probably more accurate then charting and what could it hurt right?

Anyway, January is drawing near and Im avoiding Dr.Hughes' office like the plague..Ive got 2 more cycles I think....

Thursday, November 13, 2008

OK my supporters....

I'm leaving for Cancun at 6am today so I am letting you all know that I might not be on here for a week. I might be able to write from Jacks computer down there BUT if not, I brought my journal in case I come up with some good stuff in Mexico...So I hope you all do well and cant wait to check back in with you all!

Stay Positive, Stay Strong!!

Men having babies & Surrogacy

SERIOUSLY???????????? SERIOUSLY???????????????

You must have all seen the story on the news and in the tabloids about the couple that was originally 2 women that got married and one of the women wanted to be or is a man but still kept all her/his female parts.... NOW, at first I didn't think much of it actually...I thought It was kind of weird but whatever - to each his own. BUT I just saw on TV that they are going to do an interview with Barbara Walter on tomorrow night. AND GUESS WHAT????? Their pregnant again!

Now I care... A man (technically) can now have two babies before I can even have one? What is this seriously all about? Then I start to toy with well maybe I should just do, I really don't want to and right now I cant imagine where I could find $10K!

Ya know I also read a really sweet article in the paper at work yesterday...This women at 56 carried her 3 grandchildren for her daughter. Her daughter had a hysterectomy so they froze her eggs and her mom was her surrogate. I think that is soo nice.

My sisters and I all talked and we all decided that if one of us was not able to carry a baby then one of us would - we would do it for each other. I think that is one of the greatest things that we would be able to do for eachother.

Has anyone out there having all this trouble thought that it might be that their body cant take being pregnant? Would you hire a surrogate? Is there anyone who would do it for? Is there anyone you would do it for? Its an interesting thought....

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Speaking of my entry yesterday about having only about 2 more cycles left...Lets make it one now. Ovulation ended this morning and it wasn't a good try! Is it bad to say that I don't even care this month??? I felt like it hasn't worked in 2 years so screw it..whats one more month gone by.

To be honest (unrelated to fertility) my anxiety is so bad because we are flying on Friday that my ovulation was probably screwed up anyway. Ive tried to remain calm and not really think about it because I know the effects my anxiety has on my system and my ovulation... BUT... I cant seem to control it. I really feel like my plane could plummet every time I'm on one. I know, I know, chances are slim but to me there not.

Well, I can be thankful for one thing...if the plane does go down at least I don't leave any children behind. Right now thats the only good thing that comes from my infertility.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

At a crossroads

In 2 months it will be 2 years since I was pregnant. In 4 months it will be 2 years since our miscarriage.

I cant seem to take the most logical next step. After the miscarriage I decided I would try and get pregnant on my own because EVERYONE says that "oh most people get pregnant right after a miscarriage" I tried and waited every month..then December came and I started with my amazing specialist..Dr.Hughes.

Now here we are just about one year later...after 3 IUI's and no baby - not even a glimmer of a pregnancy.

Acupuncture is now 6 months in the making and although it has worked phenomenally, still no pregnancy, no baby...but I still hold out hope.

Dr.H wants me to have a Laproscopy but I cant!! I'm way to afraid of going under and I just don't think I have endometriosis so why should I have it? I cant seem to move forward...Im stuck!!! I just want to get pregnant the old fashioned way. I'm afraid of IVF too! I don't want to do IVF & its not covered by our insurance either.

I'm at a crossroads... Jack and I decided that if January comes and we are not pregnant then we are back to Dr.Hughes. I love Dr.H but I don't want to go back. I hate those 6 am appointments and the way the shots make me feel...but here we are just about mid-November and only one maybe two more cycles before its back to the grind.

Can I just not do it? But then Id never have a baby BUT if I go back to him there are no guarantees in that either. And why should I do IVF? There are no guarantees with that too! Are there any guarantees in life anymore?

Look at all those blogs of women who had stillborns or who's babies past after a few days from complications? They all thought they were past their infertility and finally on their way to a happy family and then it comes all crashing down. I cant go through that - I don't want to go through that. I know there are risks with everything and its part of the process - nothing is guaranteed (there's that word again).

Maybe that's why I'm not pregnant..because I'm focusing so much on the infertility that I'm blocking all the good pregnancy qui? hahah

Infertility is EXHAUSTING! How come no one ever tells us that?

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Trying to stay Positive - Im over it!

Remember how I was going to try and be positive???
Well I'm over it!
I cant believe even Jennifer Aniston is pregnant before me and she's not even married! UGH!

Saturday, November 1, 2008

When will all we do to have a baby be "Enough"

Halloween has come and gone....Not sure what you all did but I spent the day and evening with my two nieces....They are 4 1/2 & 1 1/2 and they are sooooo funny! Its weird, when I am with them I never have that feeling like this is something that I want that I don't/can't have. I guess its because they have always been such a huge part of my life even before we started trying that its like they are my children too. I have been there for everything in their life....(I am lucky that my sister shares all that with all of us) they also live down the street so of course I see them everyday. And sometimes I do think to myself if I can never have children then its something I have to accept and that at least I have my nieces.

If you know me at all you know I am more of a "glass half empty" kind of person. So I'm trying this new thing...I'm trying to be positive about things...all things.....Its not that I would be okay if we didn't have children its just that I have to try and remember that if I cant then I dont want to have missed all these important things in life.

We are all lucky enough to have our health (in the sense that we are not sick). There are hundreds of people out there that get terminally sick everyday and I have to be thankful for what I do have. For those of you struggling with infertility you might be reading this thinking - is she serious??? and TRUST ME, I do not always feel this way but this week I kept thinking that at least I'm not sick. If I can never have children all this time I spend being depressed and angry is going to make me miss out on some great things and then I will look back and think, what the hell - I should have just dealt with it. In the reality of things too, having all these feelings negative and positive is NOT going to get me pregnant either. I seriously think its just Luck of the Draw!

For those of us that are not sick and have a pretty normal functioning body, we cant seem to get over the fact that we cant get pregnant - it makes no sense. No matter how many tests, no matter how many shots we pump into our system, no matter how many eggs they transfer, no matter how many acupuncture treatments, no matter how many gross herbal teas we have to drink we do it - because deep down inside there is a little positive in all of us - we all think if we do it strong enough or long enough or hard enough - someday it will be just that - enough.....