Feeling a little Sad

Sorry my post have been very sporatic. I dont feel as if I have anything to write about that would hold your attention. AS you all know we are in a holding pattern for 6 months...trying on our own before we take our next step. We get his test results on Feb 9th at our appointment with our new RE. I am confident considering all 4 times we have seen his numbers they were good. So there it is possibly both of us fine...nothing wrong BUT still without something that seems so obtainable by some.

It really sucks ha? I went into babies r us on sat night to get a baby shower gift. Now, let me tell you - that store is NOT for infertiles....I hope I dont have to go back anytime soon!

So then today, I am here waiting for this woman to arrive to do our appraisel and she arrives and is very nice. I was scrapbooking at the kitchen table and she made a comment about loving it but never having a reason to do it til now cause they are expecting their first...REALLY??? WTF...can I go ONE day without hearing about a pregnancy - JUST ONE...is that really too much to ask?

Sometimes I really just say to myself - forget it...youll never be pregnant.

Dear Diary

Today I learned that I hurt someones feelings by writing some things on my blog. I did not write these things to intentionally hurt them although it may have seemed that way.

I write on this blog as an outlet for feelings that most people will not understand. The people that do understand (most infertility bloggers) will sympathize with what I have said and truly understand the sadness that sometimes surrounds the things we all say on our blogs.

Writing in the blog is not something that is done so we can talk badly about people its just our way to communicate with the outside world on things that bother us that can or can not be fixed.

Diary - I would never want anyone I know that reads this to ever feel like I love them or think of them any less than I do. No matter what I write about my friendships are a separate entity. Even if feelings surrounds these friends - I still love them no matter what. I hope that they never take what I say personally as a shot against them. If they do or if they have, I am truly sorry - this blog was never meant to hurt anyones feelings. It was meant to soothe my own.

For those that read my blog faithfully and know my struggle, I am glad that you read because without you...I would never have met so many wonderful people that understand what its like to be me right now.

For those of you that dont follow my blog and happen to stop by occasionally, please don't feel slighted by what I say...I may have said it when I was truly hurt and at my worst and needed somewhere to vent. And if I have hurt any of you friends that ready this blog, I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart. And If you know me at all you know I would never hurt anyone intentionally.

A NEW BLOG

Hi everyone out there in blogger world!


To all my fellow followers and for those of you that happen upon this blog.

I needed a new outlet to channel all the infertility talk. I am sick of feeling like crap about all this and needed something else to do soo...with that said I started a new blog. For those of you that know me, you know I am very creative and enjoy shopping, decorating etc...so I have decided to start a shopping blog.

This blog will be a way for you to find out about new ideas on decorating, new ideas on book swapping and magazine swapping and even shopping tips on great finds. I am here to answer any decorating questions or any needed advice.

The link is:

http://a-shopaholics-secrets.blogspot.com

If you found out about something new in the decorating world or shopping world etc....please feel free to email me at missaming@hotmail.com!!

She Arrived

Yes, AF arrived...I cant believe I was stupid enough to think that I "might" be pregnant...How fricken silly of me, really? So anyway shes here.

So I called my new RE at RSC on Friday and had an appointment for today at 830 for the usual ultrasound and blood work. She wanted a new set of test done there so they could take a look and see for themselves since theres are all computerized and the records they got from my fertility specialist are not. Anyway..she just called with the results:

Estrodial 28.3
FSH 8.09
Prolactin 14.7
TSH 1.72

Then she said something about follicles on both sides but she was talking so fast but she said everything looked great.

HOWEVER - she said all the numbers are very good and within normal range for day 3...now I thought my FSH seemed awfully high??? What do you think?? I googled it and they say anything between 6-9 is good & under 6 is excellent. Does it matter what day it is? Does it always change? UGH! I hate this. I wish I was a doctor sometimes!

So she said as soon as Jack gets his SA done this week we can then go in for a meeting with the Doctor to discuss the results.

Waiting sucks!

A New Leaf

SO I had that dream...those 2 separate dreams that I was pregnant which we all know means someone is...or 2 people are...I don't have really any friends left that are not pregnant so I am wondering who will now come out of the woodwork? I am prepared.

Today is 12 dpo - I have NEVER in 9 months been past 12 days...AF ALWAYS arrived on dpo 12 but shes not here and my temp is still up 97.9 BUT I know that I am not pregnant cause I have my lovely period feelings in my abdomen that I get every month...she just wants to screw with me this month...2 years exactly to when I got pregnant last time. She sucks!

I went to dinner with two friends last night that are pregnant. I know most of you who read this will think - why would I do that? TO be honest, I'm letting go....I don't want to feel shitty anymore that I cant seem to get pregnant...its not making me pregnant any faster so I'm letting it go. We have a plan and I feel so much better. These 2 friends were so wonderful. Not only did they not over talk about pregnancy - they asked questions and listened intently and were genuinely sympathetic. I could not have asked for anything better. I don't want to lose friends because I cant get over that they are pregnant and I'm not. So I'm taking a new approach. Its 2009 and I'm over it...I'm going to let it go and see what happens...Maybe there will be truth in what people say...IF I relax maybe it will happen...and guess what if it doesn't in 6 months...we move on to our next step.

Seems Easy Enough...

DREAMS

Last night I had a few dreams..as most of us do.

The first dream, I had twins...a boy and a girl and I can still see what they look like - they were sooo beautiful!

The second I was pregnant and I was in my family room or it was my sisters family room and the doctor was there (wierd) and she asked me if I wanted to know what I was having? (Let me digress for a momonet - I am a girly girly in the ultimate sense so I know that I will probably have a boy- not that I wont be happy with either one, but I would love to have a girl) So - I tell the doctor that yes I want to know and she tells me Im having a girl. I reply - NO - and start to cry and get so excited to tell Jack.

But you know what they say when you have a dream that you are pregnant...that someone you know is pregnant. Not that I have any friends left that could possibly announce this...but such a wonderful dream means some sad news for me. Bummer

TRICKS

Does the mind play tricks?

I had a headache all day that wouldn't even go away with acupuncture. My breast are so sore on the outside Ive been having trouble sleeping the past 2 nights - sorry if its TMI...and I'm a little bloated. Now, I know I'm going o get my period next week but why does the mind want to automatically think its pregnant?

Oh no wait, that would be me I guess...I know I'm not pregnant but sometimes you can help but wonder...some people I work with say oh it doesn't mean anything...those symptoms...

But I know that when I was pregnant 2 years ago I had NOT ONE period symptom....that's how I know I'm not pregnant...another cycle down!

HELP

Can someopne help me....Im trying to post a long entry and everytime I try to post it - the paragraphs are gone and its one lump entry - and way to longg.....does anyone know how to finx this so I can post it in paragraphs? This never happened before???

Please Help!

HOUSTON - We've made a plan!!!

( Let me just say I am sorry that this is one paragraph - I can not figure out why in my draft is paragraphs but when its publishes its not)




Thank you so much everyone not only for your kind words but for checking up on me since I was to lazy to write a blog entry earlier.


My Report:


The RE read all our files prior to our meeting so she was well aware of our situation - which isn't much of a situation. So what she said...nothing really that we didn't already know. There is really nothing wrong that she can see. All the tests and blood work etc from Dr.H all look good.


She knew that I also wanted a second opinion on whether or not I should have a Laprascopy...she basically said that if she did the laprascopy on me if she had to guess she wouldn't find much of anything based on all my results etc. She also said the same thing that Dr.H did - if I am going to do IVF then I don't have to have the Laprascopy. She told us all about IVF...She said that I am lucky that I have AGE on my side and that I am still young.


I told her that I was not ready for IVF - she said that was totally fine and that when I am ready I will know. We asked her about more IUI's and she said without drugs we could really do as many as we wanted but with drugs they try and limited how many they do because of all the drugs.


She was really nice and left it up to us to decide what we wanted to do next. We were just hoping for more of an answer I guess - is to what could possibly be wrong but I guess she cant answer that considering nothing really is wrong.


So what we decided to do with her is...on day 1 of AF I will call and set up an appointment for the day 2/3 test - the ones we all have all the time....because she wants to run the tests herself and really look at the ultrasound. She said since their job is only to help people get pregnant she would like to see the tests herself and not just a record of it and also the last time I had all the tests done was May. She also ordered a more formal SA to be done at Jacks convenience. We will then review the results with her and go from there....


When Jack & I left I asked what he thought and he felt the same as me - although good, anti-climatic in the sense that we knew nothing more definitive then when we got there. Then he said that in his gut he really feels that we will be able to get pregnant on our ow. He said it just might take us longer than most. I said if that is truly how you feel and they always say "trust your gut" then that is cool with me. He feels that since we have learned some new things about some things we could have possibly been doing wrong and other contributing factors that once we cut those out maybe it might work. I told him that was fine with me.


SO - last night when we were both finally home to discuss it all....(he had to go to work after our appt) I asked what he wanted to do...and he was all worried about the financials and this new insurance that I found etc...he said we have to cancel me off his insurance within like 4 days....he wants to save that $200/month. So he said its either we jump right to IVF or are you willing to wait a year and try on our own and then when open enrollment comes we can then drop you and do IVF?


I said I really don't want to make that commitment - a year again - that would make it 3 years and that's a long time...so here is what we came up with!


~~We will wait until we get the tests back. Providing they are fine (which she said they probably will be) we will continue to try on our own for 6 months more.
~~ After 6 months if we are not pregnant we decide on another IUI or go to IVF
~~ If IVF we just buy that new insurance for the few months that we are going to IVF cycle. We keep me on his insurance because over the next 6 months well have saved up money to cover the extra $$ for insurance they we will be putting out.
~~ IF we do IVF we made a deal that we would NEVER put more than 2 embryos back in..providing 2 fertilize that is.


We are both VERY happy with our plan - and I feel so much better and relieved that we have a plan in place. A good friend kept telling me to make a plan cause it always helped her and I never really understood until now. I feel like a weight was lifted off.


Now I just have to deal with all the pregnant people around me. I promised that I would let it go....its not going to change anything and its not good for me to have the anxiety - so here i am letting it all go.


Here's to 2009!

Nervous

I am already up for my 930 appointment. I was not nervous before and I kept telling myself there is no need to be nervous...ultimately its my decision to move forward with everything/anything. I tend to be a nervous person....about a lot of things...So I tossed and turned all night, tried telling myself that being nervous doesn't help the body especially where I ovulated 4 days ago and to RELAX...its not working! So I'm up...going to get ready and get this appointment over with. I should be fine after that...ugh - what will they say?

The BIG day

I never thought that I would even up here...to say the least.

A year ago I was starting with my fertility doctor thinking...Ill just go to him, he'll figure out whats wrong and if I have to do an IUI then so be it..

Now, here we are a year later and baby less. Although, that is somewhat my doing. Around May I decided I need a break. Seriously, when I cried through the entire finale of "The Bachelorette" I knew something had to change so I decided I was done for a few months with a small break - Ill just take the summer off. Those 4 months turned into 8. I did start acupuncture which I am so glad I did but I just COULD NOT bring myself to go back to the doctor.

I LOVED the way I felt without the drugs and without the 6am appointments. But the dreaded fact about all of it is I'm still not pregnant.

I don't want to NEED help to get pregnant, I want to just get pregnant like the rest of the fricken world..or at least like some of the world. But apparently that's not in the cards! Someone very close to me said "some of us just need help, and that's just the way it is". She is 100% right, I wish she was wrong but shes not.

SO tomorrow is the big day. Our 2 hour consultation with a new RE at an actual fertility center. I hope she has some answers for us or a plan that I am comfortable with. I never thought that I would be here but I am cause I guess I am just one of those people that "needs help"...

Stay Tuned....

Do you ever think about this?

Have you ever thought about this?

For those of us that blog...we share our fears, our insecurities, our intimate details and even our happiest moments etc...but have you ever thought what you would do when you actually do get pregnant? I ask this because I have been pregnant before..yes, it was a long 2 years ago but I made the mistake of telling people because why would I have thought that something would go wrong? So now all us bloggers are in the same position...

We share everything we do with the blogger world, but if you are like me you have a lot of friends and some family that also not only read the blog but know exactly every move you make...what do you do when you get pregnant? Do you lie? Do you just make up stories on your blog?

Next time I actually get pregnant I really don't want to tell anyone because I don't want to have to make that dreaded call if something happens or I don't want to get that dreaded call from others if something happened. But how can I lie...it would have to be a real elaborate lie for 3 months...that's a long time to keep a pregnancy a secret especially when you have been trying for 2 years...UGH..

What will you do?

Why do terrible things happen?

I feel really bad....

About a month ago when I got back from Cancun I came home to find out that a guy that I work with wife was pregnant. They had just gotten married over the summer and had only been trying for a few months when he announced she was pregnant. We were all very surprised (and told him) that he announced it so early especially considering the two people that he was talking to (myself & another girl) both told people there at work to early and ended up having miscarriages....He said that she was too excited and had let it slip. We encouraged him that things would be just fine. I even text him the day of the appointment to check in and make sure everything was ok...Im just that kind of person. It may suck for me but Ill still make sure that you are okay.

Of course I was happy for them but as you can expect sad for us - another couple passing us by.....

Well...I found out yesterday that she had a miscarriage...now I feel absolutely terrible that I was jealous of them. I know I didnt cause it but I was so bummed that she was pregnant before me and now she has to experience something I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. Why do these things have to happen in life?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

On a happier note...we had a great time last night at my sisters. We were going to go out to a really nice dinner to celebrate a wonderful upcoming 2009 but as usual the STUPID snow ruined things! So we went to my sisters to have prime rib and hang with my 2 nieces. Let me tell you...Jack walks in the door and they go nuts. Especially Amelia who is 20 months...she freaks when she sees him...she thinks he is the best thing since sliced bread. Do you know why?? Because he acts like a 42 year old kid - teaching them all sorts of bad things....but they way they act when he walks in the door makes my heart melt...someday I hope we have the opportunity to have our child do the same thing.

Anyway I digress...we had a great time - had dinner then played scrabble and we were in bed by 11pm...Goodbye to a babyless 2008 and hello to a prosperous (I hope) 2009.

~ ~ ~ ~

So Monday is the big day! Did I tell you its our appointment with our first RE..apparently our fertility specialists that I have mentioned (whom I loved) was not an RE...didnt know that...now I do!

So we are scheduled to go at 930 and have a 2 hour consultation. At first I made the appointment because I kind of had to but now I am really looking forward to it. Of course I hope she tells me what I want to hear..not sure I think it will be bad news cause there really is not much wrong with us. But either way...I know that we will be okay. We now know we can get medical coverage that will cover all IVF..if need be...Im good...Im excited to see what she says..Ill keep you all posted.