Monday, March 30, 2009

IVF Consult done...2 months to go....

Hi everyone!

Today was our IVF Consultation!

I took every ones advice on the questions to ask and I have to say it was pretty straight forward. It might also have seemed that way since I follow so many blogs that are doing IVF and I have a very best friend who just had a baby from IVF. I feel like I have learned a lot from all of you so it felt like not much new when we talked to our RE. She is really great and talks nice and slow and explains things very easily.

We signed all the necessary forms and were given our time line.

Once AF shows up (which might be around the 7Th) I will start the pill for 3 weeks. Towards the end of the pill I will start Lupron. I will then go in for a baseline u/s and then start 220 units of Gonal-F. She said I respond very well to Gonal (last month on 75 units) so hopefully I will respond even better...then after how ever many days on that we go in for retrieval. She said either day 3 or 5. She mentioned they are not noticing a big difference in day 3 & we will see...She said my chances of pregnancy is around 50%. So the entire process including the dreaded 2 week wait should be about 2 months...UGH!

We are planning on only putting one embryo in. If it doesn't work we will re-evaluate but right now, we are only comfortable putting one in. She said that if we put 2 in our chances of twins at my age is 30%. We are not really ready for that so...well see in the future. To be honest, I'm so nervous none will even fertilize. She said it does happen but only about 1% of the time.

I cant believe after all the times I said I didn't want to do IVF here I am...I almost wish I started earlier but hey hindsight is 20/20.....

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Our IVF Consultation!

I just wanted to update everyone...I was supposed to have our IVF consultation on April 16th. It was the first available appointment my busy husband could make. BUT, we had a break in things and I called to see if she had anything else open and maybe I would go alone? Well, she had tomorrow morning open at 830 and Jack is able to come!! Yeah - 16 days early - Lets Get Started!

Also - does anyone that has been through IVF have any suggestions on things that I should be asking...I have no clue!

Friday, March 27, 2009

My Nonni

(me, nonni, mom)

On Tuesday I spent the day with my 94 year old Nonni.

Just to give you a little background...When I went to college originally I didn't like the college I chose and decided to change to a college closer to home. I decided to go to Salem State and there I moved in with my Nonni and Nonno so I didn't have to live on campus. They were kind enough to let their granddaughter live with them for 2 years.

Unfortunately my Nonno died 9 years ago. I still see my Nonni as much as I can. She is one Hot Ticket! I mean how could she not be - she is 94 and still likes to drink, loves to shop still and can make me seriously laugh!

So...anyway there have been a few times that she has said that she does not want to live too much longer...I think she is lonely (although she has a ton of friends). We are very close - I am not exactly sure what I will do without her which brings me to our conversation.

One afternoon over lunch - I am not sure how we got on the subject - but we were back talking about her dying (she likes to talk about it)...I told her that I did not want to talk about it and that she COULD NOT die until I had a baby. and of course she said ohhh....and I said and that could be another 10 years and she laughed and said please don't do that to me...hahahah

Forward to Tuesday at lunch I say to her wow you are 94.5 and she said no and counted and I said are 94.4..hahah and she said I hope I don't live to 95. And of course I say how could you say something like that. She said I just want to go to sleep and not wake up - you know that's how I want it to happen..I told her that is not something that I can talk about and that we already discussed this...You can not go anywhere until I have a baby...please...and she says (in her sweet voice) ohhh need to have a baby....I'm going to say a Novena for you....

I tell her - yes, but I think you are going to have to say a lot more than that for me....

Oh she also knitted a blanket for me...she made one for my sister for her 2nd child and I told my mom that i needed one from her where we are soo close if for some reason she is not here by the time I get fricken pregnant I want something from her to remind me of her.....

Infertility sucks - not only for the thing we cant have but for when we can - there will be certain people in our life that will miss out on it...and to me that sucks the most.....I want her to see my baby, love my baby, hold my baby...

Monday, March 23, 2009

IVF could cost a lot of money but......

I want to write and entry but I honestly have nothing to say or talk about.... Well I guess I could just tell you all what is going on even though its not as exciting as what everyone else seems to be up to.

We have our IVF consultation set up for April 16th. That is the earliest time Jack was but its the reality of his job. SO...I spent the entire day (except for 2 hours) literally all day on the phone with Blue Cross Blue Shield..I am getting all my ducks in a row for IVF...I am buying myself an individual insurance plan. See, here is MA infertility coverage is a mandate for HMO's. My husband unfortunately works for a restaurant company and we have a PPO so nothing but b/w & u/s is covered...nothing to help you get pregnant only to tell you you cant..hahah I finally got all the details 100% correct and ready. Here is the deal....The plan has a $500.00 deductible and is $387/month...that covers all infertility treatments and medications...including ICSI & assisted also includes some other terms that I cant remember off the top of my head.

So...lets say it takes 2 IVF tries (being optimistic) which I think (i really have no idea yet) would take like 4 months??? That $1600 + $500 for a total of $2000.00 verses $8500. which is what IVF costs at RSC. Sounds like a steal ha? I certainly think so.

So Jacks plan will be the primary & the BCBS will be the secondary so when they submit the claim to the primary it will be denied then it will be submitted to the secondary and it will be taken care of...I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!

Health Insurance may be expensive in the state of MA, but Ill tell you - Ill take it over having to pay $10K to have a baby. I am sorry for all of you reading this that are not fortunate enough to have mandated coverage - MOVE HERE!!!!! YEAH!!!! just kidding....I am just glad that I read someones blog that had this information on there because if not, I might be up to my ears in CC debt!

So unfortunately that is all that is going on here....Nothing sooo exciting quite yet...We are still going to try on our own even though if 4 IUI's don't work having sex on our own certainly wont but hey...Ill drink and have sex..seems to work for some...hahahah

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

IVF - Its already scary enough, does it have to be complicated too!

Yes - it has to be as confusing and as scary as it looks!

As you all know, IUI #4 didn't work and they will not do anymore with where does this leave us? Accepting the fact that maybe we will never have children or accepting the fact that the scary picture up above is where we are heading!

I just finished reading the papers they sent us for our IVF consultation (which BTW they already gave us). I decided that I better read them again to understand...OK I still don't understand. Well, I understand what it is that they essentially do what I don't understand is all the stuff you all talk about so knowledgeably. Like what stages they are at etc...I have NO CLUE what any of you are talking about when you say those things...and that scares me.

But, you know what scares me the having it not work. Like anything in life, nothing is a guarantee..BUT, you get to this stage and you put all your eggs (literally) in to one basket (OK, a petri-dish) and you hope to god it works. Some of you have been through 4-5 of these...and I don't know how you do it? Emotionally, physically and mentally..I feel like an IUI with the shots is draining enough..I am assuming I have no idea what is to come...

This sucks!

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Vacation coming to an end in more ways than one

Our vacation went great! Especially since it was our first road trip! We drove from Boston to Florida...When we left last Thursday we left at 9:40pm when I got out of work and drove straight through to FL and arrived Friday night at 7pm..we only stopped to pee and swap drivers! Now, on the way home but we stayed overnight in VA...we needed to sleep this time!

While on vacation I got AF - she was a result of my last and final (#4) IUI...I thought I would make one last futile attempt to see if I could get away without doing IVF to have a baby. I'm not sure what I was thinking...deep down inside I knew the IUI wouldn't work. In the first days, I was was the best sample yet and I had been doing acupuncture for about a year and my cycles were great! Then as the days went on I began to lose hope..Why would IUI #4 be any different? I guess they are all different but enough to all of a sudden make it work? Nooppppeeee!

So here we are on vacation and I start to spot - now I have NEVER spotted - it took 2 days for AF to fully arrive which she never really did like was the most bizarre AF ever....My regular AF must have taken a vacation...she had to find a replacement didn't she? She's soo responsible - BITCH! She could have called in sick and I would not have cared - doesn't she get that?

So here we are...4 failed IUI's, 1 miscarriage, 2 years and no baby...I swore I would NEVER do IVF...I guess I was naive..I didn't want to have to do it, didn't think I would have to do it and frankly was scared of it. Now, its the only option...Isn't it weird that you can get pregnant on your own (even if it ends in miscarriage - the sperm and egg still met and attached) and then here you are 2 years later and they cant seem to meet up again on their own? What the hell is going on in there? Are they all betraying me? I have been betrayed by people but to be betrayed by your own body is not fair. That is the one thing that is supposed to be on your side at all times! Oh well, I guess there is no sense in dwelling because it certainly wont change things!

We have our IVF consultation on April 16Th and I guess we go from there. She has said in the past that I still have age on my side and that our choice to only put one embryo back in is still good in someone my age...yeah - well we'll see....everyone also said that an IUI would work!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Its a No

Just wanted to let everyone know that bits of AF showed up last night...I knew she would - she is acting very stange but not showing up a lot but I am confident she will resume full control soon!

I am ok though, surprisingly...I guess we will have to move onto IVF at some point since nothing else is working...

I am not sure if I will be updating over the next few weeks...I am not sure I will have naything to say - if I do..I will but if you dont hear from me its cause Im taking a small break. I will however, DEFINITELY be reading blog updates all the time and commenting, Im just not sure if I will have much to say on myself!

The one thing I will say is Thank God for my wonderful husband...I would not be at all the person I am if it was not for him and his belief in me...he is the only one that can make me see the light sometimes and I want you all to know how wonderful and loving he truely is!

Good Luck to you all...I will talk with you soon!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Sad News

Hi everyone...I thought Jack and I were going to go to the Ripley's Believe it or Not so I could touch the Ancient African Fertility Statues BUT....that will not be the case. I called while we were heading there to make sure they were in fact there....But, sad as it may be they will not be - they were there for the month of January but are now on world tour. Hopefully I can catch them in NY someday if I still don't get pregnant. But for now, I am going to take it as a sign that maybe I don't need AF still...14 days past ovulation...never gone this far after an IUI...feels like she will arrive today but we will see....

We are now on the road driving from Palm Harbor to Daytona Beach for some R&R together at a nice boutique resort called The Shores and its nice and warm and I am very would make our week if I actually after 2 years and 4 IUI's could be pregnant - but for now to keep my sanity I will just prepare for the bitch today and just be pleasently surprised if she doesnt show.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Im going to touch the Fertility Statues

We are in Florida at Jacks parents house...we are leaving tomorrow in the morning to drive from Palm Harbor to Daytona Beach..we are going to stay in Daytona for a few nights before we drive back home.

Our drive goes right through Orland where you all know the Ancient African Fertility Statues reside. We will be may be too late for this cycle but(although AF has not reared her ugliness yet) it will be good for the future...Ill try anything at this point!!! Jack said I have to go in alone - its $20. to get in and I don't think he really cares but I don't care - Ill go alone but I will definitely try to get someone to take a picture of me touching them - oh I mean HUGGING them!!! hahahaah bring on the babies!!!

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Prometrium Question...

I know I told you I would not take a test early...cause I know all to well the famous negative. And that is was when I test about an hour ago 11 days past I know its too early but can I ask everyone...

Ok, I have been taking prometrium vaginally for 10 nights and I know it brings on cramping but these were so bad on Thursday and Friday..just coming and they are gone...and my temp this morning was 98.2 - it has NEVER been that high ever...I know that can be cause by the prometrium so I am trying to stay focused that I'm probably getting my period but I have done way too many google searches and it says that my period is not going to come until after I stop taking the prometrium...??? The doctor never said anything about this? Anybody know??? Anybody ever have period like cramps but they were actually pregnant....

I almost feel like if my period is going to come just COME and lets get it over with - I hate that this is toying with my emotions, my husband and my body!!!!

Friday, March 6, 2009

Coming Clean

I was not going to share this on my blog because frankly there are a lot of people in my life that read this that are not aware of this situation. Its not because I don't want to tell them - I don't want to deal with the outcome.

No, I'm not pregnant. We decided to do one last IUI - #4... it was basically my way of pushing off IVF just a little longer..denial ya know...Our new RE said she would do more IUI..they do not like to do more than 4 really with the drugs..they do not think that is good for the body - long term effects. I was hoping where there were a lot of changes in our life that maybe this final one would work. Plus it has been 8 months since we last had any treatment.

So about 3 weeks ago I started my 75 units of Gonal-F. I respond well to the drugs..On the right I had an 18, 17, 15 (the 15 they said would probably be at 18 by the time of the IUI) and on the left (my LAZY side) I had a 15, 10. SO I triggered on Sunday the 22nd and had my IUI on Tue the 24th. It was THE BEST sample by hubby and I had an acupuncture treatment immediately before and after the insemination. I started my prometrium on wed the 23rd.

This was the worst IUI Ive ever had. I was more crampy than ever that evening...I was not feeling well...and I was SO bloated it was ridiculous. I was embarrassed to to go to work cause someone might notice. I felt not so hot the days after as well...My prometrium also made me more miserable than ever before too!!! So crampy after about 10 minutes of having it in..and I cant even tell you about my boobs...I cant even walk at night I could cry they hurt so bad...but I guess its all part of the process.

You know what sucks the most out of all of it? I don't think it worked. Last night at work I had really bad cramps and today a little off and know the period cramps you get when you know for sure she is coming! I cant believe after all that misery it most likely didn't work! ALSO - they said to treat myself as if I was drinking (not such a big deal) - no cold cuts (that's all I eat for lunch)!!! and now after all that I think I am going to get my period.

Does it ever end? Why did I think the power of positive thinking would change anything? Why did I think if I wore my lucky four leaf clover, silver necklace and my charm bracelet with all my fertility charms that it would matter...I have not taken them off since and trust me - my charm bracelet makes a ton of noise at night!

Where do I go from here? I'm still not into this IVF deal....I read all you all go through, and although some of you have been successful...its seems terribly painful, heartbreaking and I up for it? I cant even handle how I felt from this last IUI and that was nothing compared to some of you. I am just really at a crossroads.

I'm feeling jealous, betrayed, sad, mad etc...why, why, why??????? I know I have to get past it, but I'm having a hard time sometimes...I try to be positive but its really hard sometimes...

Is it just easier to give up? Its like the lesser of two evils....

Day 14 will be Tuesday but we are driving to FL right now so if she doesn't arrive by wed I will test but not til then cause I know she will be a bitch and show up early this weekend - shes just like that!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


Katie over at "Isint TTC supposed to be Fun" was awesome and gave me this LOVE YA award to me a few days ago!!

Now I have to choose only 8 wonderful blogs to pass this award on to...
"These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award!"

What a Dream!

When a women has a dream she is pregnant it always means someone around them is pregnant - not themselves- but does it mean the same for a man who has this dream?

This morning when my husband got up very very early I happened to stir awake..he noticed and cuddled me from behind for a moment and was kissing my head and he whispered ever so lightly and lovingly..."I had a dream we were pregnant" 2 years of all this IF he has NEVER had a dream like this.

Monday, March 2, 2009

MY FIRST BLOG AWARD!!! nominated by 2 people

I cant believe I was nominated for the Honest Scrap Award! I want to Thank You so much - its one thing to have a nice amount of followers but to be noticed for what I write is really an honor. Sometimes I feel like the things I write are not good (I am sure a lot of us feel that way) so its nice to be noticed! So Thank You again to:

G & H @ ~ Journey to a "Wondraful" Baby &
Ang @ ~ Our TTC Journey

Here are the rules:

1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.

2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap." Well, there's no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.

3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself

1) I have over 15 shows on season pass on my DVR...Yes, I'm a crazy TV fanatic!

2) I hate to fly more than ANYTHING in life...probably because I have serious fear of death

3) Although I live in NE, I HATE SNOW!!!! and cold

4) I love my husband more than words could ever express

5) I love my family so much so that I would DIE if anything happen to any of them!

6) I secretly wish I was a celebrity and could walk the red carpet!

7) Sometimes I have such awful thoughts that I think I may go to hell someday...all to do with this shitty club I belong - IF!

8) I am not sure what I will do when my Nonni dies...she is 94 and she is the most wonderful person...I usto live with her and she is fun, vibrant and a lot of fun! That is why whenever I do actually have a child...if it is a girl, her middle name will be Lena after her.

9) I LOVE my house!

10) I am very thankful for all my wonderful friends!

SO...on to my 7 nominations!

I cant believe all the things that one person would have to endure if their lifetime...She has had so many things go wrong for her but she is so positive and strong! I wonder where she gets her strength every time she composes an entry. Some of us would have give up by now but not her. She is amazing!

I like that she writes about all sorts of things going on in her life. She has been through SO much - I wonder how she continues to stand strong! Because she is strong..She is funny - check out her 100th post, 100 Things I learned through IF.

I love her cause she looks so cute in her picture!! I love that her husband leaves her cute notes...Shes sweet, funny & caring.

Someone I have never met...but would love to!!! We chat via email since meeting in blogland. I noticed she makes jewelry and asked if she made infertility charms for bracelets...and she went out of her way to work on one..I since purchased it and LOVE IT!! She is a wonderful person!

The Angry Infertile
All I can say is she ALWAYS makes me laugh - she has a great way with words and she is brutally honest! I love reading what she writes!

After all the obstacles she has to overcome to become pregnant she is positive and continues to move forward while being funny, caring and sensitive! I look forward to reading her blog every time I see she has posted something new!

I just love her blog! I love the every entry she makes she writes at the bottom about 4 things she is currently grateful for. Although she belongs to this terrible club, she always tries to see some positive!

This is one of the first blogs I started to follow. She is one of the people in blogland that I look up to..I cant even get my head around IVF and she is on her 4th round making it all look so easy. She has had a tough, tough ride - I wonder sometimes where she gets all her strength?

So..there it is - that was a long post!

Thanks again!

Sunday, March 1, 2009

A Quick Thank You!

I only have a minute but I wanted to thank the three bloggers that nominated me for an award...when I have more than a minute I will write my entry and post my award but I wanted you all to know that I couldnt do it yet and that I thank you so very much - you all MADE MY DAY!