Wednesday, December 31, 2008


Its not even 2009 yet and I have some great news for all of you out there in either Mass or a state that has a fertility coverage mandate (state law).

I live in Massachusetts where fertility coverage is a mandate...IF you have an HMO..not a PPO. WE, unfortuately, have a PPO..which means they do not cover ANY fertility treatments. They cover blood work and ultrasounds but nothing that assists you in getting pregnant.

So heres where it gets good...I was reading all my blog updates when I came across "Someday, Someway". She had made an entry that she felt like she was the only one who lived in mass that didnt have IVF coverage. Then I noticed a response from a nice girl names Laurie...Laurie told her to call Blue Cross Blue Shield and ask about their Blue Direct MHO policy for individuals. She said it ran about $380 a month and she used it when she cycled and that it covered IVF with ISCI and assisted hatching. Laurie put her email address under her name - thank god!

I couldnt believe what I was reading!!!! So...I did what any of you would have done and email her to ask her questions...Now I was begining to get excited! I wanted to find out all the specifics before I called. My dad (who works in the benefit field) also told me what to ask Laurie. Come to find out - she purchased this insurance as a 2nd (main) policy just on herself. Who the hell knew???

So today I called and spoke to someone that told me that I can chose any of the plans listed and they ALL cover fertility treatments...did you read that ALL!!!! and that it will also cover it even though its a pre-existing condition! I cant believe here is a little breakdown...

Coverage is about $380 a month
Co-Pay is about $20/visit
Deductable is $500. so after you hit $500. everything after that is covered!!! ALl the IVF!
I mean we were going to possibly have to pay $10K-$15K...depending.....

So now we have our first appointment with Reproductive Science Center on Monday, Jan 5th and after the 2 hour consultation we should have a pretty good idea at where we stand. WE may not even need to do IVF but even if we had to do more IUI's with those Gonal shots..those cost $1000 and the IUI costs $375. Then if we cancel me off Jacks insurance - it would be a steal! hahah well not a steal...but still.

Its so good to know that we have an option now....Before I know you have read that I am not sure how I feel about IVF...mainly the whole going under etc piece but I was also nervous about it financially but now, Im not worried at all. If they say that is the ONLY way to have a baby then thats what it is...and its covered!!!!!

If anyone has any questions about any of this...please feel free to email me at

HAPPY NEW YEAR to you all!



I hope that you have a wonderful time celebrating a bad/good 2008 while you help all us infertiles ring in a hopeful & eventful 2009!

I have to say that although we did not end up having a 2008 baby like we all would have hoped, I did have a wonderful year. I do love my life and all that is included in it and all the wonderful people that I love & the ones that love me. Although we all have wonderful lives something is in fact missing. I have to learn to accept that because frankly the way I feel and the way I have been feeling is not going to get me a baby any sooner. Especially the crap that flies out of my mouth to my husband and family about how this infertility sux!!! And having this anxiety and thinking about all the people that are pregnant before me isn't going to help my body. Why cant I just get over it and forget about certainly would be better for my body and my piece of mind...But, I guess it just doesn't work that way!

Although I had to endure hearing of 7 pregnancies...alot of wonderful things happened:

~We went to St.Marten on vacation in April
~We went to Portsmouth for a mini 5 day vacation over the summer
~We went to Cancun in November
~We threw a intimate, somewhat splashy 35Th Anniversary party @ The Capital Grille for my parents
~We had a blast cooking out at my sisters pool all summer
~We shared in the birth of our new niece Charlotte
~We added on a patio and finished remodeling the 3rd bathroom in our house
~I got a new car - GMC Acadia!
~I lost 15lbs on Weight Watchers
~As Jack says...we put up an 10 foot Christmas tree that didnt fall down!
~Jack got a new company SUV

I would say that although we were not able to have a baby we did have a lot of fun and a lot of wonderful blessings this year. To that I am very thankful for because there are people out there that don't even have that!

So to all you infertiles....although our club sux to be a part of and we hope that there are not many more newcomers...we should be thankful for the things we do have and hope that when New Years comes next year we are able to be thankful for the baby that 2009 brought!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Hi everyone in blogger world!

I just wanted to wish everyone a WONDERFUL holiday since the next few days will be busy and I wont have time to write. I am actually feeling okay - I love the holidays even though there is no great news to share in...I am hopeful that 2009 will be a good year for all us has to be...I cant imagine another long year of not even getting pregnant. So...

I hope everyone finds a little peace in this 2008 holiday week...I know that I am certainly going to try and be thankful for the things that I at least have that some may a wonderful family with wonderful nieces that I am fortunate enough to be a BIG part of their lives, a wonderful husband who supports me no matter what crazy crap comes flying out of my mouth and never judges me for it, for a beautiful roof over my head and food on the table every night and last but not least for you all out there struggling with infertility. Although the club is not a fun one I have to say that I feel better knowing that I am not alone...and for some of you that do get pregnant after all your trials & gives us all hope that we too might be able to achieve that wonderful moment when 2 PINK LINES appear on that stupid stick!


Friday, December 19, 2008

Feeling Not So Nice

I am feeling very mean and not so nice right now so I hope I don't say anything that hurts anyone. I am just in a rotten mood. I swear everyone is pregnant but me! I am almost ready to leave town and take refuge on an island and have NO ONE call me especially not to tell me they are pregnant. I just really hate life right now.
My husband was even upset cause I asked what I did in my past that would warrant this and he was like think people out there dying of cancer etc etc....wonder the same - you are not dying etc..we will get through this.
Sometimes I think maybe I should just decide not to have children cause I'm seriously so sick of this!

Can you just tell that I just got AF? I actually thought maybe I might be pregnant? How Fricken Funny is that? Just a barrel of laughs ha? I really do feel that nothing is going to work - an IUI didn't even work so what the hell is wrong with HSG test even showed such clear tubes? Maybe my body doesn't want to be pregnant or maybe my stupid body is attacking my lovely hubbies babies???

I swore I would never get like this or become obsessive BUT here I am obsessing! And If I thought the whole "just try & relax" would help then I would really try hard...I try but as you all know its just not possible...maybe if everyone in the world wasn't pregnant I might be able to not think about it for 5 seconds but that's not going to happen!

I was at the local Nashua Soup Kitchen volunteering for my friend who runs their Christmas Program. How it works is we have people or companies or churches etc that can either chose a family to adopt or just chose to donate some general items. What we then do is take the donations and make sure all the kids in the family have the same amount of gifts and make sure they got what they at least asked for. Then we bag all of them and then call the families to come pick them up.

Now I volunteer because I get joy in helping these less fortunate people but what I don't understand is if they cant afford anything why do they keep having babies and why do they get to keep having more and more? Especially when they are not able to take care of them and I cant even have one? Just one...I'm not asking for a whole lot of them just one child! I feel like such a bitch saying this and I am probably going to hell but I just don't understand.

Oh but I did make an appointment for a second opinion...we'll see how that goes.

All I have to say is Thank God I don't have to be at work for the next 2 weeks and I can just spend time with family and my nieces....I am so over wanting to be pregnant - sometimes I feel like i just want to give up....

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Why is EVERYTHING about babies

Why is everything about babies? Or does it just seem that way since I want one? Maybe I never noticed as much before?

It seems as if every episode lately on one of my favorite shows "Private Practice" is all about babies. I know the main character on the show is an ob but I never noticed before. Of course now that I am writing this I cant remember what the other shows were. But its like either everyone is pregnant or everything is about pregnancy. Oh yeh, General Hospital is one...for those of you that watch I love Robin but enough is enough with the baby crap!

I am only 7 days past ovulation and I was such a rip roaring bitch at work tonight(like with PMS) I couldn't control it. What is up with that? Oh and then someone says maybe your pregnant? Well, first off I'm not or I'm probably not but if I was I certainly wouldn't have psycho symptoms quite yet.

And how much of a bummer is it that AF will be due around the 23rd? Wouldn't it be nice if I could wake up and tell Jack on Christmas day that we are expecting. Do you do that like I do? EVERY MONTH.....think about how you will tell your spouse you are pregnant? and do you ever get the chance? I certainly don't.

What happens when one of us infertile bloggers actually gets pregnant. Do we continue with our blog and turn it into something else or do we just abandon it and start a new one? How do we leave all our infertile friends behind?

But, I digress

Everything is about babies when your infertile. I received a message 2 nights ago that someone I went to H.S. with, his wife lost their baby at 4 months. How does that happen? Why does that happen? And here we are feeling jealous of the fact that she was foolish do we feel now? I wish I could reach out to her and tell her how sorry I am...but I am sure the last thing she wants is to talk to anyone.

Its coming down to the wire...When AF arrives (which she probably will) I will have to go back to my RE...either that or schedule a consult at The Reproductive Science Center for a second opinion. I don't want to do this at all...Even though I really want to have a baby with hubby...I so don't want to go to the doctor - I know I say it all the fricken time but I just want it to happen on its own. I dont know about all you but I feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

I'm Tired

Im Im exhausted!

And I dont mean from not getting sleep. I'm so tired of infertility, Im exhausted from thinking about it all the time. Thinking about how I cant seem to get pregnant but everyone else can...its literally exhausting and to be honest, Im getting so sick of it. Im so over it. Why cant I just be normal and have a baby?

Dont mind me I just feel like complaining.....

I usto read all the time and I like to read but it seems as if I cant to get through as many books as I usto because I keep swapping from my enjoyable book to infertility books. I feel like if I keep reading the infertility books I might learn something new that is going to help me..but guess what - its all the same and Im still not pregnant.

I will say though, that I have learned a few things and sometimes I do think it helps but Im sick of it...Im sick of eating infertility, sleeping infertility and living infertility.

Like I said, Im exhausted!

No offense to any of you at all but this Infertility Club royally sucks!!!

Saturday, November 29, 2008

I NEED advice & help

Ok so one more month from now and If Im not pregnant I have to go back to my fertility specialist. I decided to just take the summer off as you might recall but it sort of stretched until Jan. I was just loving how great I was feeling with out all the shots & early morning appointments. But its still not working. My period is soo good now that acupuncture and my herbs have gotten everything in line but its still not clicking for some reason.

So here is my dilema.....

Of all the tests Ive had they all show that I am fine. The only test that I have not had is the Laprascopy. My specialist thinks that I should have it and I have been refusing up until now. I have never had any Endo symptoms so I dont understnad why I have to have it? I DONT want to have it. I am FREAKED out beyond belief about not only going under but also having an incision in my belly button and all the other crap that goes with it.

Is it something that I should do to rule the last test out? What if it says there is nothing wrong adn Im still not getting pregnant? Should I go back to Dr.Hughes in January and do one more IUI coupled with the acupuncture and then if that one doesnt work have the laproscopy???


What a bad week!

So here we are on our first week back from vacation. Its not so great in the real world.

I came home sun at midnight and woke Monday to go with my parents to put my cat that we have had for 17 years to sleep. Some of you reading this will not think this is a big deal at all but to me it was one of the most monumental things Ive had to be part of in my life. I brought Sparky home 17 years ago after our other cat passed away. My mom did not want another cat but a friend had kittens and he followed me around - he was like a little spark which is how he got his name "Sparky". He was the most beautiful black furry cat ever and he had the best demeanor. He was just a wonderful cat and it makes me sick every time I think about what we had to do.

He has had cancer for about a month now and they thought the drugs might shrink it but mom said while I was in Cancun he got worse. They waited until I got home since he started out as my cat. It ended up when I moved out after H.S he stayed with them and became theirs. So they waited for me and I was not sure if I wanted to be there or not. Jack told me that I would probably regret not being there. So with my parents 10 hours after getting home from vacation I went to the vet. Mom cried almost the entire ride there. I knew she would because she loves him so much - just like another child.

The doctor said he was really sick and not going to get better....his cancer got bigger and is now probably restricting his passage ways to his tummy which is why he has lost weight. So now here's the decision....we don't want to make him suffer just because we cant seem to let go so we have to put him to sleep. Do we stay in the room? We don't want him to be Me, Mom & Dad stay and it was torture. I love him like he was my baby and the last thing I want to do is let him go. One minute hes breathing and the next hes not. It does not hurt at all at least not him but it kills the 3 of us. And just like that he is gone....and I am sooo sad still.

I'm sorry to go on for so long about this but it speaks to how bad my week has been....

Then when I get back my sister (who I work with) tells me that she has something to tell me that she doesn't want to but I should know. Now, I say OK - who's pregnant? And she tells me that a guy we work with wife's pregnant. They have been trying for maybe 3/4 months and just got married over the summer. OK..I can deal...I am happy for them.

THEN...yesterday one of my best friends from college calls me to tell me she is also pregnant...I thought that I might cry but I hold it in cause frankly she doesn't deserve it! She probably didn't even want to tell me either. But I am so happy for her as well...she is one of my best friends!

BUT I still feel like its so not fair!!! I have been trying for 2 years now and when the hell is going to be my turn? I just want to go back on vacation and not come back until I'm finally pregnant and I don't want one person to call me with news that someone else is cause frankly I cant take any more pregnancy's!!!

Friday, November 21, 2008

Laughing is so good for Infertiles

Were on our last 3 days of vacation in the Riviera Maya and I have to say that I have not laughed this much in I dont know how long. I mean I laugh when things are funny and I laugh and have a good time but this has been constant laughter night after night.

We have met some really great people down here that have contributed to the laughing! I know a lot of you out there are saving for IVF etc...and I should not talk because I have not gone through anything compared to a lot of people/blogs out there but I just have to say if you can scrape any money together or maybe your not saving for IVF right yet and you have a little extra money - GO ON VACATION!!!

For people like "us infertiles" this vacation has really been such a blessing...Yes, Im still infertile and I will probbaby have to do a lot of things that I dont want to come January but this vacation has made me laugh more than I have in a long time and it feels so nice.

Yes, maybe the fleeting thought has crossed my mind about how AF is supposed to arrive in 2 days (even though I feel nothing). And yes, I was/am annoyed at those preggo's here on my vacation but as the week went on those feelings faded. I am doing all those things they cant. I can drink, eat anything, get a ton of sun & even go sailing! Not that I am saying I would rather be this way but for this moment I am looking at the bright side.

Someday I will have a child - someday...BUT for now (this moment), vacation has made these things so much easier to let go of...So, if you have a little extra money - take some time for you and your husband or s/o and enjoy! Lifes so short and infertility is so exhausting!

Monday, November 17, 2008

Reporting from Cancun

Written in Journal on Nov 15th...

Im at the Secrets Silversands in The Riviera Maya, Mexico. It is our first Unlimited Luxury, Adults-Only, All-Inculsive. It is amazing!

About a week prior to leaving whenever I would say good-bye to people or guests at work and that I would not see them next week because I would be on vacation their response would be "Your going away AGAIN"!? With a strong emphasis on AGAIN..

You know what? Im nice when I respond but frankly Im completely annoyed that I have to justify this! I have NO CHILDREN! Its just me and Jack and we both work so we have the time & money to go on vacation. And you know what..if I want to treat myself to make myself feel better then I have every right! I resent it when people ask like that. Then everyone says oh well do it now cause once you have kids you wont be able to...ya no fricken kidding! Thanks for re-inforcing the no children factor.

Anyway - enough of that....

So were here and I cant believe that I had the audacity to think that MY vacation would be pregnant free...other pregnancy's - not mine! Maybe I just hoped..hoped to get away from the infertility for a little, especially on vacation.

BUT, I guess that was to much to ask for..Ive been here about 24 hours and I have already walked past 3 pregnant people. Seriously...cant they just get out of my infertility free vacaton!

At one point when I saw the 3rd one at breakfast I said to Jack - another pregnant person - maybe its my imagination? Maybe they are not actually pregnant?? Nope - not a chance...then when we went to Playa Del Carmen yesterday for the day there were pregnant women & girls everywhere!

For once - all I ask on vacation is "Stop the Insanity" and let me at least have my vacation!

From the Flight Deck

I wrote this on the plane in my journal on friday the 14th:

Finally in Dallas - made it safely..I was such a basket case for the past few days it was rediculous.

I realized a few things:
1) I will NOT be traveling when Im pregnant
2) Im not traveling after I have a baby
3) That I need some SERIOUS therapy!

Jack keeps telling me that I really need to talk to someone about this. He said its not the fear of flying that Im scared of its the irrational fear of death that I have. I think he is definitely right about that! So I think that is the first thing I am going to do when I get home - get some therapy!

So I bought some ovulation sticks before I left on for my next cycle when I get home. I have never used them before...I have been charting for so long I thought that was enough but then a little birdy told me about them (you know who you are) and so I decided ehy its probably more accurate then charting and what could it hurt right?

Anyway, January is drawing near and Im avoiding Dr.Hughes' office like the plague..Ive got 2 more cycles I think....

Thursday, November 13, 2008

OK my supporters....

I'm leaving for Cancun at 6am today so I am letting you all know that I might not be on here for a week. I might be able to write from Jacks computer down there BUT if not, I brought my journal in case I come up with some good stuff in Mexico...So I hope you all do well and cant wait to check back in with you all!

Stay Positive, Stay Strong!!

Men having babies & Surrogacy

SERIOUSLY???????????? SERIOUSLY???????????????

You must have all seen the story on the news and in the tabloids about the couple that was originally 2 women that got married and one of the women wanted to be or is a man but still kept all her/his female parts.... NOW, at first I didn't think much of it actually...I thought It was kind of weird but whatever - to each his own. BUT I just saw on TV that they are going to do an interview with Barbara Walter on tomorrow night. AND GUESS WHAT????? Their pregnant again!

Now I care... A man (technically) can now have two babies before I can even have one? What is this seriously all about? Then I start to toy with well maybe I should just do, I really don't want to and right now I cant imagine where I could find $10K!

Ya know I also read a really sweet article in the paper at work yesterday...This women at 56 carried her 3 grandchildren for her daughter. Her daughter had a hysterectomy so they froze her eggs and her mom was her surrogate. I think that is soo nice.

My sisters and I all talked and we all decided that if one of us was not able to carry a baby then one of us would - we would do it for each other. I think that is one of the greatest things that we would be able to do for eachother.

Has anyone out there having all this trouble thought that it might be that their body cant take being pregnant? Would you hire a surrogate? Is there anyone who would do it for? Is there anyone you would do it for? Its an interesting thought....

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Speaking of my entry yesterday about having only about 2 more cycles left...Lets make it one now. Ovulation ended this morning and it wasn't a good try! Is it bad to say that I don't even care this month??? I felt like it hasn't worked in 2 years so screw it..whats one more month gone by.

To be honest (unrelated to fertility) my anxiety is so bad because we are flying on Friday that my ovulation was probably screwed up anyway. Ive tried to remain calm and not really think about it because I know the effects my anxiety has on my system and my ovulation... BUT... I cant seem to control it. I really feel like my plane could plummet every time I'm on one. I know, I know, chances are slim but to me there not.

Well, I can be thankful for one thing...if the plane does go down at least I don't leave any children behind. Right now thats the only good thing that comes from my infertility.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

At a crossroads

In 2 months it will be 2 years since I was pregnant. In 4 months it will be 2 years since our miscarriage.

I cant seem to take the most logical next step. After the miscarriage I decided I would try and get pregnant on my own because EVERYONE says that "oh most people get pregnant right after a miscarriage" I tried and waited every month..then December came and I started with my amazing specialist..Dr.Hughes.

Now here we are just about one year later...after 3 IUI's and no baby - not even a glimmer of a pregnancy.

Acupuncture is now 6 months in the making and although it has worked phenomenally, still no pregnancy, no baby...but I still hold out hope.

Dr.H wants me to have a Laproscopy but I cant!! I'm way to afraid of going under and I just don't think I have endometriosis so why should I have it? I cant seem to move forward...Im stuck!!! I just want to get pregnant the old fashioned way. I'm afraid of IVF too! I don't want to do IVF & its not covered by our insurance either.

I'm at a crossroads... Jack and I decided that if January comes and we are not pregnant then we are back to Dr.Hughes. I love Dr.H but I don't want to go back. I hate those 6 am appointments and the way the shots make me feel...but here we are just about mid-November and only one maybe two more cycles before its back to the grind.

Can I just not do it? But then Id never have a baby BUT if I go back to him there are no guarantees in that either. And why should I do IVF? There are no guarantees with that too! Are there any guarantees in life anymore?

Look at all those blogs of women who had stillborns or who's babies past after a few days from complications? They all thought they were past their infertility and finally on their way to a happy family and then it comes all crashing down. I cant go through that - I don't want to go through that. I know there are risks with everything and its part of the process - nothing is guaranteed (there's that word again).

Maybe that's why I'm not pregnant..because I'm focusing so much on the infertility that I'm blocking all the good pregnancy qui? hahah

Infertility is EXHAUSTING! How come no one ever tells us that?

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Trying to stay Positive - Im over it!

Remember how I was going to try and be positive???
Well I'm over it!
I cant believe even Jennifer Aniston is pregnant before me and she's not even married! UGH!

Saturday, November 1, 2008

When will all we do to have a baby be "Enough"

Halloween has come and gone....Not sure what you all did but I spent the day and evening with my two nieces....They are 4 1/2 & 1 1/2 and they are sooooo funny! Its weird, when I am with them I never have that feeling like this is something that I want that I don't/can't have. I guess its because they have always been such a huge part of my life even before we started trying that its like they are my children too. I have been there for everything in their life....(I am lucky that my sister shares all that with all of us) they also live down the street so of course I see them everyday. And sometimes I do think to myself if I can never have children then its something I have to accept and that at least I have my nieces.

If you know me at all you know I am more of a "glass half empty" kind of person. So I'm trying this new thing...I'm trying to be positive about things...all things.....Its not that I would be okay if we didn't have children its just that I have to try and remember that if I cant then I dont want to have missed all these important things in life.

We are all lucky enough to have our health (in the sense that we are not sick). There are hundreds of people out there that get terminally sick everyday and I have to be thankful for what I do have. For those of you struggling with infertility you might be reading this thinking - is she serious??? and TRUST ME, I do not always feel this way but this week I kept thinking that at least I'm not sick. If I can never have children all this time I spend being depressed and angry is going to make me miss out on some great things and then I will look back and think, what the hell - I should have just dealt with it. In the reality of things too, having all these feelings negative and positive is NOT going to get me pregnant either. I seriously think its just Luck of the Draw!

For those of us that are not sick and have a pretty normal functioning body, we cant seem to get over the fact that we cant get pregnant - it makes no sense. No matter how many tests, no matter how many shots we pump into our system, no matter how many eggs they transfer, no matter how many acupuncture treatments, no matter how many gross herbal teas we have to drink we do it - because deep down inside there is a little positive in all of us - we all think if we do it strong enough or long enough or hard enough - someday it will be just that - enough.....

Friday, October 24, 2008

Are there really any guarantees?

I just got back from another session of acupuncture. When I am there and I am laying on the table for 45 minutes I tend to think about fertility and the lack there of...the entire time negative thoughts consume my entire appointment. I have to tell you today was soo different.

Since I started this blog, which was only like 5 days ago, I'm feeling soo much better. I feel like I haven't even felt sorry for myself really once this week. I gave my acupuncturist my blog an email since she is treating quite a few women that have the same frustrations that I do and told her if she would like to post the information and tell them about the blog and if they want to email me too they certainly can. I received an email the first night!! I have never been sooo happy - I felt like what I was doing was helping another women/couple"s and that's exactly why I decided to do this. I have been so wrapped up in my blog and talking to this other women that I have honestly not thought about myself for once since I can even remember.
It feels sooo good :-)

Although on a side note.... so weird this week...I'm on day 20 and we think I ovulated somewhere between 13 & 16 and wed night I had to get up at 5am after tossing and turning because I had such abdomen cramps...and then on Thursday when I went to work I was fine and then at the end of the shift around 8 I started to feel ill again....Like wicked bloated - almost like gas pains in stomach but a little crampy too. I came home at 11 and hadn't eaten since lunch at 2pm but could not eat because even though I felt a little hungry I was nauseous and crampy and now today I'm fine - seriously??? Has anyone had the HSG test and felt like this a week later - is it screwing with my ovulation and abdomen or am I just nuts!

I will tell you that at work this week I waited on a couple - she was about 22 ( I had to card her) and she was with her fiance or husband and their two did I originally want to wait on them when I saw them at my table - no...but I had to so I did and they were soo nice and their daughter who was 3 (but told me she was 7) couldn't have been any cuter with her blond pigtails! And then last night I was waiting on this couple and asked if they would like something from the bar and he said oh she cant but i will and then I realized of course - shes fricken pregnant too! Like everyone else in the world. But I honestly thought about it for like 5 minutes and was over it.

Its like aren't we all so sick of always thinking about it but you cant help where your thoughts go. And if you like me, I have a great husband and family, I have a great job but only work 2 days a week and then I'm just doing other things but really I'm home, alone, in a quiet house so how can I not think about it.

I look at that mother that was 22 and think - well I'm just stupid! I should have started trying 5 years ago when my husband wanted to BUT, I wasn't ready! I just wasn't ready but now look at things. Really sometimes I think maybe I will just will never be pregnant and you know what frankly I obsess over that but that's not even the thing...what if I get pregnant again and miscarry again -why am I so focused on even getting pregnant when really...carrying to term is not even a guarantee.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The frustrating parts of dealing with infertility

Did I mention yet that last week I found out in 2 days that 3 people close to me are pregnant...that's just the current ones - there have been quite a few in the past year that have come about too...

When I had my miscarriage my sister was pregnant with my 2nd niece. In the meantime her friend has had twins then another baby. My cousin had another child. My sister-in-law just had my new niece a week ago. My friend Nicole is having a baby in December. Then the three that I just found out are pregnant. My cousins new wife, a friend from college and a friend from high school.

How much can we really take? I feel so happy for those people that get to experience such a joy but I also feel sad that it isint me. To be honest, I think I have every right to feel all that I am feeling. If your reading this and you are going through the same thing then you will agree with me. Why is it the entire world around me is getting pregnant and having babies but me?

I know its not logical but its the feeling that why can someone else's body function so perfectly but mine cant. I know you feel the same way I do and its totally frustrating. Sometimes it's all I can think about. I don't think it's fair and I sometimes wonder what I did in the past to be punished? I have never been a big drinker, I have never done drugs and have always obeyed the law so what gives??? I guess we will never have an answer.

For those of us dealing with infertility, they tell us to not drink to be careful of what we put into our body..not to be too thin or too heavy because that can cause problems too. Try not to get stressed because that can reak havock on a system too...all sorts of things to do and not to do but why?? There are people all over the world that abuse their bodies and get pregnant very easily? How is that possible? There really is no rhyme or reason to any of it so we just have to gather together and give eachother support. That is really all we can do.

I feel like such a terrible person for feeling jealous even of those people that I know and love but can you really help how you feel? People that don't understand because they never had to deal with any of this will probably read this and think I'm crazy but how can they possibly form and opinion when they have never been through it and don't know at all what it feels like....It sucks and I would not wish this on my worst enemy...but I do feel glad to know there are other people out there like me that can take comfort in knowing at least they are not alone..

My Dye Test

My Dye test was scheduled for last tue October 14th at 12:30pm. Jack (my husband) took the day off to take me and take care of me after. I was not sure how I was going to feel after considering all the stuff that people told me and all the stuff I read online.

I actually was not feeling nervous in the morning...and I am a Nervous Nelly....But, I scheduled an acupuncture appointment for 10am so I could try and distress in case needed. I'm glad I did because I felt more relaxed. On the ride to the hospital which is literally 10 minutes at the most I started to get nervous. My palms started to sweat and my belly is starting to hurt. I have this problem when I get really nervous it goes right to my stomach.... I'm actually getting a little belly ache while I talk about this...silly!

We get to the hospital and check in...we only have to wait a few minutes and they tell me that Jack cant come in with me because of the radiation he would be exposed to. I really wanted him to be in there with me not only for moral support because I'm afraid it will hurt but also because I wanted him to see what what was going to be displayed on the screen so I would not have to try and explain it afterwards. But oh well...

So, if you have never had the dye test before I'm going to explain it all as literal as I can. They have me sit on this long metal table (its covered with blankets) and there is a movable x-ray screen that will be moved about you once you lay down and a movable TV so you can see everything as it happens. The nurse talks to me and tells me what is going to happen. She is really nice and stays and talks to me while we wait for Dr.Hughes to come down from his practice. I am at this point freaking out inside! Dr.Hughes comes in with a nice smile on his face. I tell him Dr.Hughes I don't want to do this anymore...and he says well what do you want to do? I said go home! he laughed - he said you will be fine.... I said you better tell me everything your doing - you know how I am I want NO surprises!

He has me come to the edge of the table with my feet at the edge and knees bent and legs open - love it ha??? Just like a regular gyno appointment with no stirrups. He puts a solution on the cervix to cleanse it I guess.... and he says OK - I'm going to insert the catheter in through your cervix and you will start to feel a little cramping...OK I actually feel nothing yet.. He says now we are going to inflate the balloon. (there is a balloon on the end of the catheter that they inflate to keep the catheter in while they inject the dye) .The PAIN is like NOTHING I have EVER felt before!!! Even my miscarriage was not this bad! I felt hot, dizzy, nauseous and felt like I wanted to cry! All the girls on the Internet that said it doesn't really hurt or its like bad period pains - they are lying or have a majorly high threshold of pain!!! I have NEVER had period cramps that bad and if you do you might want to go see a doctor! Anyway, I'm telling you this so there are no surprises. Now, can you get through the pain - ABSOLUTELY - but be aware, it HURTS like a mother!!!!!
OK - moving on...they then tell me to move up the table and lay my legs flat - now isn't that funny - they want me to move!!! I kind of slide so my whole body is now flat. I was like " wheres the TV..I want to see whats going on" they move the monitor so I can see when he inserts the dye. He says OK now I am going to insert the dye - you might feel some wasn't too bad actually..and there goes the dye - it flies right through my tubes and spills out the other end. He said WOW - you are really moving - speedy! Your tubes and cervix are perfectly clear!! Yeah.... he then takes the catheter out and were done. I know this seems like it was a long time but it literally only took 5 minutes. He said that from what we did things look great but we still don't know what is going on on the other if there is any endometriosis or anything else.
He said that all the women in the office said for him to take care of me and make sure I'm okay - I said please tell them all I said hello! Tell them I miss them..but not enough to get up at 6am to visit hahah...I told him that I am going to lay low until the first of the year...and that I will contact him then depending on what happens. He smiles and says OK!

My new found love - ACUPUNCTURE

Have you ever tried acupuncture? If you are reading this and you are experiencing problems getting pregnant - all I can say is you should try acupuncture. For me, I hoped it would help balance out my hormones and whatever else that seemed to be failing in my body.

I went to the website and filled out the health form and went for my first appointment. I had no idea what to expect. Nicole had told me that she was really nice so that's always a plus! So Sarah comes out to the waiting room to get me and I'm pleasantly surprised....she is very young and sweet and instantly made me feel at ease. We discussed my issues and what I was trying to accomplish. She asked me if I would mind charting my temperature since it helps her to see what is going on. Fine by me, I'm usto that. So she asked me to get comfortable on the table so I did.

She carefully puts the needles into the points she knows will help. I can say that it hurt the first time because I was tense not knowing what to expect. But all my appointments now are much easier. Yes, it pinches sometimes but not as bad as some things I have experienced and it only pinches for like a second. So she gets all the needles in and asks if I would like the heat lamp, a face mask or music? All of the above! She puts some nice soothing Enya on and says she'll check back with me. About 15 minutes later she quietly enters and asks if I'm doing okay and I reply yes and she says "OK good" and quietly shuts the door. I actually can say that first appointment, I fell asleep. It was so relaxing and I felt that I was doing something good for my body instead of pumping it with drugs.

Come to find out my mom tells me that our old neighbors daughter was having difficulty getting pregnant and didn't want to do any drugs so she tried acupuncture and was pregnant in 3 months and then tried it again for her second and was pregnant right away.
I also met a wife of someone who works for my husband who was having difficulty and she was a little older and decided to get acupuncture...she was pregnant in 3 months as well. I thought, well if it works for all these people than maybe there is a real chance it could work for me.

After my first month with Sarah she notices something is not really changing on my BBT (Basil Body temperature) chart and asks if I would be opposed to taking herbs? I said absolutely now if you think it will help. So now I have these herbs...I have no idea what to do with them, I thought they would be in the form of a pill....Apparently you add them to 2 - twice a day. She tells me some people just use a little hot water and shoot it down - so I tried that and almost throw up they taste so gross! So I tell her...and she says I can add a tea bag and some honey but not to add milk or sugar and not to add the herbs when the water is boiling because it will hurt the herbs. So I do all of that and I can actually deal. I mean its not fun by any means to have to remember to take herbs every morning and every night but if it means I can avoid that Laprascopy then I'm all for it!!!!!!!!!!

For the first cycle on herbs I actually ovulated on a normal day 14. I have not ovulated on day 14 in years....I was always ovulating so early - like on day 8...Now I'm thinking that must not have been good, maybe my eggs were not getting as mature as they should...I mean I'm thinking all sorts of things but I am soooo excited that I finally had a normal cycle - things really were getting better!

I have been going to Sarah now since June I think and I cant tell you how great I feel. I was a major IB Profrin popper....I had a headache, no headaches really in months. I'm sleeping through the night with no tossing and turning and my periods are great. Sarah told me in the beginning that your period should not come with any cramps and no brown blood really. She said your period should just show up, be red and then fade away to nothing after about 4 days. She said when you get cramps its because there are clots that are restricting the blood from moving freely. My periods are soo much better now. Last month I didn't have one symptom and my temps were great.

I was so excited to be doing so much better from this practice that I knew nothing about. I wanted to change that and try and understand what it was that acupuncture was doing. I went to Amazon and ordered all sorts of books on acupuncture & Infertility. I learned so much! I wish I had started acupuncture a long time ago - maybe things would be different? But I guess I really cant think that way. I just have to be happy that I found something that seems to be working for me.

Last month - September to be exact I started thinking....I can see that things are changing based on my temp chart but how do I know if this is working for me internally? How do I justify spending $118. a week on something that I have no proof is working? So I decided to call Dr.Hughes to see if we could do some blood work to check my hormone levels. I was excited and nervous...what if this new found love I have is not working? What do I do then? And why would it not be working but working for other people? Anyway - on to get blood work done to find out for sure.

It was really nice to see I mentioned before hes so nice and so accommodating. So he took my blood then did an internal. He said everything looked great and all on my own I have a large follicle on my right side ( I'm beginning to find my left side is very lazy) and my uterine lining is about 18. Sarah said that's excellent so I was very happy! Dr.Hughes said that I should come in again in another week to check my estrogen levels etc. Ok - works for me, this is the true tell tale test. My results of the blood work for that week are good...I cant remember what the numbers were - they are not as important as the others one the following week!

I head back the following week at 6AM - oh yeah - fun! Who the hell is up at that hour anyway - its not right! We take my blood and then we chat....he still wants me to have the Laproscopy and I tell him I just cant...I'm not ready. I am way to freaked about going under...Freaks me out! But I ask him if maybe we can do the dye test. I think that I can now handle that one. I know its supposed to hurt but....I think we need to see if my tubes are blocked. He agrees and we schedule it. He tells me to call to get my blood work results at 3pm. I tell him to let the women know when I call that I want the numbers because her telling me things look good does nothing for me...I didnt know what the heck that means and frankly neither does she probably.

Ok so here's the deal...He tells me that when I started coming to him back in Dec of 2006 my estrogen was like no existent. They like to see it anywhere from 200-400....mine was 86 and never changed....ok now I see why I cant get pregnant! There was another number but I cant remember right now what it was good though. So I call at three and she says Doctor Hughes said things are so much better. She says my estrogen - all on my own with acupuncture & herbs mind you is....313!!!! YEAH!!!! I'm so ecstatic! Its working that acupuncture! There is some truth to it all!!! I was so relieved...I can now continue with it...

Next time I see Sarah I tell her the great news and she is soo excited and she sees that my temps are better too. She says that she knows it's all frustrating and that she knows the unfortunate thing with acupuncture is it doesn't happen over night...its a process and that it really takes the body 3-6 months to get usto it.... I can deal with that. So I decided that this is what I will do until the first of the year. I want to give the acupuncture the appropriate amount of time for it to work. I want to hopefully get pregnant this way than with the drugs.

If you live in the area of Nashua, NH you should check Nashua Acupuncture and Sarah out. Their website is

My Summer off I mentioned under my life at doctor Hughes office I decided to take the summer off. I didn't want to be shooting up these hormone drugs and getting up at the crack of dawn all summer. I wanted to feel like a normal person again at least for a little while.

I told Nicole that I decided to take a break and once again she told me that I should consider acupuncture. I actually never even thought about it because I didn't really know anything about it. She told me that her only successful IVF cycle (this last one) was when she coupled it with acupuncture. She is not sure if the acupuncture is what did it, but it must have helped she said.

I figured what could it hurt. The place is right here in Nashua. Its called Nashua Acupuncture and her name is I checked out the website and was excited to see they have a whole section dedicated to Infertility. I never realized acupuncture was such a big deal. I liked what I read, a lot. So I called and made an appointment with Sarah.

Then after a few days, I started to second guess myself....why am I making an appointment when I said that I would take the summer off? So I cancelled. However, something Sarah had said when we first talked kept ringing in my head. It usually takes about 3 months to get your body where it needs to be. Again, I thought....well...that would bring me to the end of the summer and if I decided to another IUI then my body will hopefully (providing it worked) be where it should be. I called back and rescheduled.

I will tell you the power of actually taking time off from something like infertility and the drugs that you have to use. I have never felt so good. I couldn't believe the difference I felt in my body and even in my mood. I started to wonder why I ever started the drugs and IUI's. Yeh I know....I needed to. Well I didn't need to but if I wanted the hope of something different then I would have to try something other than letting it just hopefully happen. Its sooo frustrating ha?

Monday, October 20, 2008

A friend that brings a SPECIAL connection

I am friends with her sister Michelle who I work with at Longhorn. Ive met her sister Nicole before but we weren't friends. Not in a bad way we just didn't know each other well. Michelle knew what I was going through and shared that Nicole was going through some stuff too. I told her that if her and Nicole ever talked about it to tell her that she could email me anytime if she wanted to talk to someone who knew what it was like (somewhat) or that maybe she might like to try a different doctor, like Dr.Hughes.

I guess its not really important how it happened but Nicole and I started talking, a lot. At first it was really just via text. Then we talked at a party Michelle (her sister) had. And our relationship grew from there

Nicole had been trying to get pregnant for 4 years! She had a few miscarriages, failed IUI's and 2 IVF cycles....she was frustrated to say the least and discouraged. And if you have ever been through this you know why she felt the way she did.

At one point in the past she actually put her house on the market because she literally wanted to get away from everything. I think she realized that unfortunately it would not matter where she was living it was not going to change the fact that she could not get pregnant. So she took it off the market and just went on vacations and bought herself things to make herself feel better. If you've been there you have your "thing" too that makes you feel better. But was it really making her feel better - not really. She would got to work and look at pregnant people and feel annoyed and jealous. Do you feel like that - I know I do. And its completely normal - at least that's what we tell each other.

After we started talking via text more frequently I knew that she was going to try one more IVF cycle. This time she was going to try something different - she was going to do Assisted Hatching with ICSI where they inject the sperm directly into the egg. This was now her 3rd IVF cycle. All three were high grade embryos and one had started to fuse to the next stage early on day 3 before the transfer which was good!
That time of the month came and she was pissed - she sent me a text saying she felt crampy and that she knew that she was going to get her period and she was pissed! And you know what - who can blame her? But I told her to try and stay positive even though I know now that its so hard and that maybe she's pregnant and that's what the cramping is. So days go by and I text her and ask if she's gotten it yet and she says no but she doesn't want to take a test cause shes afraid cause their always negative. I said I didn't know how she could even hold out - the suspense would kill me.

I don't even know how many days went could have been just one when I got a text that said she took the test and it was positive! I was soo excited for her! But as you know, she didn't believe it and was not going to until she actually knew it was a viable one and it stayed that way. I'm happy to say that I was just at her baby shower on Sunday and she is having a girl, Ella.

I'm telling you all this because she is part of the reason I started this blog. She really has been a rock for me. Not only do we have SO much in common. Sometimes its like we were cut from the same cloth. She always helps me talk through what I am feeling because she was there - she went through it all and then some. I feel like there is a special bond between us. I mean I love my family & my husband and they truly try to understand but as you know, no one will understand unless they have experienced it themselves. She has given me advice, she has felt sad for me, she has shared her pregnancy with me and she never has made me feel bad about the fact that she's pregnant and I'm not. When I need to vent I text her....and she lets me be mean or stupid or whatever....especially when everyone around me is getting pregnant. We hope to someday raise our children together....She gets it and that's where the bond started & it will always be there.

Living life with Dr.Hughes office

When I met him he instantly made me feel warm and comfortable. He listened to everything I said, all my concerns and he never made me feel rushed. This is my fertility doctor, Dr. Hughes. In case you live in the area he practices at Lowell General Hospital. He is soooo awesome!!! He has spent numerous appointments with me, some lasting 45 minutes because we are just talking. I do however ask a lot of questions. Not only do I find this whole process interesting, I want to know what he sees and what is going on. I want to be informed! Unfortunately he only sees his fertility patients between 6-7am. I know its sheer torture but once I'm there he instantly makes me forget that. He is soo nice - I cant even say enough. His right hand person Erin is fabulous too! His entire office is wonderful - they actually make me miss them. Not that I want to get up that early all the time.

So he takes my blood work and does an internal ultrasound. He says that internally from what he can see things look good. Not that they can really see much. So he says to call after 2 and get my results. We discuss that maybe for now we will just take blood work at the appropriate times of the month and go from there. In the meantime he tells me that Jack should get tested. Which we do and things come back great. So I'm thinking I guess its me....

Come to find out my hormones are like non-existant...Dr.Hughes says my brain is on hiatus...its perfectly happy producing those low hormones. He said that could be part of why I had a miscarriage. (As a side note - what I had they call a Blighted Ovum. As I understand it, its basically an empty sac. Your hormone levels go up just like a pregnancy but the body senses there was something wrong and it basically aborts it.) He said maybe the fetal pole started to rise and sensed something was not right so it went back down and nothing ever grew.

OK, this is something that I can deal with because it seems as if its easily fixable. So its kind of hard to remember sometimes since I feel like Ive done so much but what came next was he recommended a Hysterscopy. Have you ever had one? Well, he said that I should actually have that dye test (which I cant spell the correct name of) but I opted for the Hysterscopy because I heard the dye test hurt. Yes, I'm a wimp! I'm also very slow in how I want my process of all this to be.
SO, I get the hysterscopy test done. It actually didn't hurt UNTIL he decided to take a sample of my uterine wall. Yeh, that hurt like a son-of-a-bitch! But, its over soon enough. So the test showed my tubes were open and the sample came back negative for whatever it was he was looking for which to be honest, I forget now. haha
So really now, nothing is working on its own so its time to make a decision. Do I take the next step and have an IUI. For those of you who are not familiar with that term its Intrauterine Insemination. Basically they take sperm and insert it in you into the cervix so they can get as much up there as they can.

Do I really want to do this IUI? No, I wanted to get pregnant the regular old-fashioned way. But hey its not working that way so have to do something different!

If you've been where I was....its very exciting to take those shots ha? NOT! Not only did I have to take them but I had to pay $1000.00 for them because our insurance does not cover them. Oh well....whatcha gonna do? What you have to!

The first night I had to take them was hysterical. I got out of work and came home to a nice package of syringes. So my husband reads the directions carefully...almost too carefully cause I'm starting to get annoyed cause I just want to get it over with! So whatever, we go to do it - hes going to administer it into my stomach but we cant stop laughing! I mean it was so funny sitting there saying okay go! no wait! I said just give it to me and let me do I take it and just inject it. It was fine - felt a little weird but OK. So we do this for the next week. I go to the doctors and my hormones and follicles are coming along great. So we do the IUI and NOTHING! To make a long story short - I did the IUI three times and it didn't work. Well 2 times but we did the IUI twice on one of the times.

Oh and one time in the begining...I was alone and had to administer the shot that makes you ovulate. So I called my sister - on her way to a wake she swung by to do it for me. I think we stood there with the needle for 1/2 hour. The poor thing was sweating. She couldnt do it - she felt to bad and was afraid she was going to hurt me and she had never done this before. Ok so now the needle is full and I have to drive to her friend Sara's house (she is a nurse & has done this before) so she can do it for me - in my butt none the less. I get to her house - we go into the bathroom and I tell her to let me know when she is going to do it and she says ok done - I'm like ha? I didnt even feel anything....I guess you do what you have to do to get the job done - even if it means driving to someone who can do it for you!

So after the failed IUI's I asked Dr.Hughes "is there something else that could be wrong that we don't know about?" I mean why isn't it clicking? He said that even though we did the Hysterscopy we cant really tell what else is going on - like if I have endometriosis or not? I have never had any symptoms but he says that really what he recommends is a Laproscopy. He explains that you are under and they make a small incision by the belly button and go in and they can see everything! If there is anything that needs fixing they can do it right there and then - proving it can be fixed! I think to myself ok, doesn't sound to bad. But then I go home and have time to think about it and decide yeh - NO WAY! Maybe its me but sometimes the Internet does not help! So I decide that this is not something I can do at all right now so I call Erin at Dr.Hughes and tell them that I need to think about this surgery.

Over the next few weeks I realize that I am seriously out of control. I knew that something had to change when I was watching the season finale of The Bachelorette and I literally cried through the entire 2 hour show. I was not myself anymore. I was bloated and constantly sad...the hormones in those drugs are a killer. It was then I made the decision that I needed a break. My body needed one and I mentally needed one! I want to enjoy my summer and not get up at the crack of dawn and shoot needles into my body for weeks on end. I was toast. So I called Dr.Hughes and told him that I needed some time off. I told him that I would contact them after the summer was over.

Life after the miscarriage

After time goes on things really do get better. Im not sure how it worked for you but for me it really solidifed that I wanted to have children. I know your thinking she didnt know??? well I did but but once I was pregnant I felt like "Am I sure???" I know a lot of women go through that when they get pregnant and I did too but after the miscarriage I definitely knew that it was what I wanted. I was soo sad after losing the baby - or whatever it was? I also felt like such a failure and most of all I felt so bad for my husband - that I lost his baby. Eventually you do get over the sadness and you move on.
I was actually feeling pretty good. I mean hey I got pregnant and most people said oh a lot of people get pregnant pretty soon after a miscarriage. That actually helps you move on because you think well it will happen probably for me too! But as the months went on, nothing happened. Was I not timing it right? Was something wrong? Was I overthinking it? I always swore I would NOT be one of those people who obsessed over it. Guess what? I became just that and it was driving me mad. But, I just figured it would happen.
In November 2007 I was in New Jersey visiting my cousin with my mom and for some reason she told me that her friends daughter was seeing Dr.Hughes in Lowell. Dr.Hughes is a fertility specialist at a hospital about 5 minutes from my house. She said that he was wonderful! I figured really what could it hurt to talk to him and maybe see whats going on. So I made the call and made an appointment for December.

How it all started

I dont mind sharing my story with anyone really so that is why I decided to start this blog. I know what its like to sometimes feel like you are the only out there that cant get pregnant. And when you have those feelings, no matter what they are, you feel like you are the only one experiencing them. At least thats how I feel a lot of the time.

So it started about 2 years ago when we decided like probably all you reading this that we were going to start "trying". We have all been there - we say to ourselves that we will just so what where doing and we wont worry about it and whatever happens happens. Then that lasts about a few months...and out the window it goes.

So we tried for a few months and then I happen to have a doctors appointment in Dec of 2006. I wanted to make sure I was doing all that I could to get pregnant. I felt stupid to ask if I was doing everything right but nothing was working so I wanted to make sure. So he told me to make sure I had my hips elevated after (I thought you just put your legs up hahah) and to make sure I lay there for about 1/2 hour and I laughed again cause I usto lay there for like 5 minutes. So home I go....would you not believe that the next month I find out Im pregnant!!!!! I couldnt believe it! Apparently I was doing something wrong.

Now I schedule my appointment for the usual 8 weeks - ugh! But I ended up taking a new job at a different restaurant and our big test was on that same day as my appointment. I figured why would anything be wrong? I could just postpone it one more week. Im not sure when it hapened but at about 10 weeks I guess I had some blood...I called the hotline and she was not overly concerned and said that either its nothing or a start of a miscarriage. So matter of fact for her with no blink of an eye probably. GREAT! But then it went away....and I had no cramping or pain or anything. So the day of my test I got stuck in a major snow storm and could not make it in time and had to call but it wasnt just that - I was bleeding way more....I knew something had to be wrong. They said that I would come in first thing in the morning.

I told my husband it wasnt a big deal for him to come because I didnt really think there would be anything wrong. My sister had an appointment at the same place at the same time (she was pregnant with my 2nd niece). So she came in with me and they did an internal ultrasound. I knew the minute I saw the screen but what did I know really, I had never been in that situation before. The women said that I was definitely not as far along as I thought and that if anything I was 6 weeks. She told me to get dressed and that the doctor would come see me. That was when I knew, I went to the bathroom and it was awful. I wont even go into detail cause if you've ever been through it you know and if you havnt its a bummer. My sister at this time does not say anything even though she knows...of course she knows shes had two kids.

The doctor came in and told me that there was nothing in the gestational sac. That the blood was the start of a miscarriage. She said it was nothing you did and blah blah blah...... so I had to go get bloodwork done so I went down and my sister came to find me and all she could relaly do was say she was sorry and hug me.

I got my blood work done and called my husband and just told him that I was sorry and that there was no baby - ever. They told me that I could just go home and basically pass the sac myself since there was nothing there. I wonder how many of you reading this had to have a miscarriage at home without having a D&C?? It wasnt fun to say the least. It was pretty gross and pretty painful but let me tell you - at that point I just wanted it to be over. I wanted to just start over.