Wednesday, December 31, 2008


Its not even 2009 yet and I have some great news for all of you out there in either Mass or a state that has a fertility coverage mandate (state law).

I live in Massachusetts where fertility coverage is a mandate...IF you have an HMO..not a PPO. WE, unfortuately, have a PPO..which means they do not cover ANY fertility treatments. They cover blood work and ultrasounds but nothing that assists you in getting pregnant.

So heres where it gets good...I was reading all my blog updates when I came across "Someday, Someway". She had made an entry that she felt like she was the only one who lived in mass that didnt have IVF coverage. Then I noticed a response from a nice girl names Laurie...Laurie told her to call Blue Cross Blue Shield and ask about their Blue Direct MHO policy for individuals. She said it ran about $380 a month and she used it when she cycled and that it covered IVF with ISCI and assisted hatching. Laurie put her email address under her name - thank god!

I couldnt believe what I was reading!!!! So...I did what any of you would have done and email her to ask her questions...Now I was begining to get excited! I wanted to find out all the specifics before I called. My dad (who works in the benefit field) also told me what to ask Laurie. Come to find out - she purchased this insurance as a 2nd (main) policy just on herself. Who the hell knew???

So today I called and spoke to someone that told me that I can chose any of the plans listed and they ALL cover fertility treatments...did you read that ALL!!!! and that it will also cover it even though its a pre-existing condition! I cant believe here is a little breakdown...

Coverage is about $380 a month
Co-Pay is about $20/visit
Deductable is $500. so after you hit $500. everything after that is covered!!! ALl the IVF!
I mean we were going to possibly have to pay $10K-$15K...depending.....

So now we have our first appointment with Reproductive Science Center on Monday, Jan 5th and after the 2 hour consultation we should have a pretty good idea at where we stand. WE may not even need to do IVF but even if we had to do more IUI's with those Gonal shots..those cost $1000 and the IUI costs $375. Then if we cancel me off Jacks insurance - it would be a steal! hahah well not a steal...but still.

Its so good to know that we have an option now....Before I know you have read that I am not sure how I feel about IVF...mainly the whole going under etc piece but I was also nervous about it financially but now, Im not worried at all. If they say that is the ONLY way to have a baby then thats what it is...and its covered!!!!!

If anyone has any questions about any of this...please feel free to email me at

HAPPY NEW YEAR to you all!



I hope that you have a wonderful time celebrating a bad/good 2008 while you help all us infertiles ring in a hopeful & eventful 2009!

I have to say that although we did not end up having a 2008 baby like we all would have hoped, I did have a wonderful year. I do love my life and all that is included in it and all the wonderful people that I love & the ones that love me. Although we all have wonderful lives something is in fact missing. I have to learn to accept that because frankly the way I feel and the way I have been feeling is not going to get me a baby any sooner. Especially the crap that flies out of my mouth to my husband and family about how this infertility sux!!! And having this anxiety and thinking about all the people that are pregnant before me isn't going to help my body. Why cant I just get over it and forget about certainly would be better for my body and my piece of mind...But, I guess it just doesn't work that way!

Although I had to endure hearing of 7 pregnancies...alot of wonderful things happened:

~We went to St.Marten on vacation in April
~We went to Portsmouth for a mini 5 day vacation over the summer
~We went to Cancun in November
~We threw a intimate, somewhat splashy 35Th Anniversary party @ The Capital Grille for my parents
~We had a blast cooking out at my sisters pool all summer
~We shared in the birth of our new niece Charlotte
~We added on a patio and finished remodeling the 3rd bathroom in our house
~I got a new car - GMC Acadia!
~I lost 15lbs on Weight Watchers
~As Jack says...we put up an 10 foot Christmas tree that didnt fall down!
~Jack got a new company SUV

I would say that although we were not able to have a baby we did have a lot of fun and a lot of wonderful blessings this year. To that I am very thankful for because there are people out there that don't even have that!

So to all you infertiles....although our club sux to be a part of and we hope that there are not many more newcomers...we should be thankful for the things we do have and hope that when New Years comes next year we are able to be thankful for the baby that 2009 brought!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Hi everyone in blogger world!

I just wanted to wish everyone a WONDERFUL holiday since the next few days will be busy and I wont have time to write. I am actually feeling okay - I love the holidays even though there is no great news to share in...I am hopeful that 2009 will be a good year for all us has to be...I cant imagine another long year of not even getting pregnant. So...

I hope everyone finds a little peace in this 2008 holiday week...I know that I am certainly going to try and be thankful for the things that I at least have that some may a wonderful family with wonderful nieces that I am fortunate enough to be a BIG part of their lives, a wonderful husband who supports me no matter what crazy crap comes flying out of my mouth and never judges me for it, for a beautiful roof over my head and food on the table every night and last but not least for you all out there struggling with infertility. Although the club is not a fun one I have to say that I feel better knowing that I am not alone...and for some of you that do get pregnant after all your trials & gives us all hope that we too might be able to achieve that wonderful moment when 2 PINK LINES appear on that stupid stick!


Friday, December 19, 2008

Feeling Not So Nice

I am feeling very mean and not so nice right now so I hope I don't say anything that hurts anyone. I am just in a rotten mood. I swear everyone is pregnant but me! I am almost ready to leave town and take refuge on an island and have NO ONE call me especially not to tell me they are pregnant. I just really hate life right now.
My husband was even upset cause I asked what I did in my past that would warrant this and he was like think people out there dying of cancer etc etc....wonder the same - you are not dying etc..we will get through this.
Sometimes I think maybe I should just decide not to have children cause I'm seriously so sick of this!

Can you just tell that I just got AF? I actually thought maybe I might be pregnant? How Fricken Funny is that? Just a barrel of laughs ha? I really do feel that nothing is going to work - an IUI didn't even work so what the hell is wrong with HSG test even showed such clear tubes? Maybe my body doesn't want to be pregnant or maybe my stupid body is attacking my lovely hubbies babies???

I swore I would never get like this or become obsessive BUT here I am obsessing! And If I thought the whole "just try & relax" would help then I would really try hard...I try but as you all know its just not possible...maybe if everyone in the world wasn't pregnant I might be able to not think about it for 5 seconds but that's not going to happen!

I was at the local Nashua Soup Kitchen volunteering for my friend who runs their Christmas Program. How it works is we have people or companies or churches etc that can either chose a family to adopt or just chose to donate some general items. What we then do is take the donations and make sure all the kids in the family have the same amount of gifts and make sure they got what they at least asked for. Then we bag all of them and then call the families to come pick them up.

Now I volunteer because I get joy in helping these less fortunate people but what I don't understand is if they cant afford anything why do they keep having babies and why do they get to keep having more and more? Especially when they are not able to take care of them and I cant even have one? Just one...I'm not asking for a whole lot of them just one child! I feel like such a bitch saying this and I am probably going to hell but I just don't understand.

Oh but I did make an appointment for a second opinion...we'll see how that goes.

All I have to say is Thank God I don't have to be at work for the next 2 weeks and I can just spend time with family and my nieces....I am so over wanting to be pregnant - sometimes I feel like i just want to give up....

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Why is EVERYTHING about babies

Why is everything about babies? Or does it just seem that way since I want one? Maybe I never noticed as much before?

It seems as if every episode lately on one of my favorite shows "Private Practice" is all about babies. I know the main character on the show is an ob but I never noticed before. Of course now that I am writing this I cant remember what the other shows were. But its like either everyone is pregnant or everything is about pregnancy. Oh yeh, General Hospital is one...for those of you that watch I love Robin but enough is enough with the baby crap!

I am only 7 days past ovulation and I was such a rip roaring bitch at work tonight(like with PMS) I couldn't control it. What is up with that? Oh and then someone says maybe your pregnant? Well, first off I'm not or I'm probably not but if I was I certainly wouldn't have psycho symptoms quite yet.

And how much of a bummer is it that AF will be due around the 23rd? Wouldn't it be nice if I could wake up and tell Jack on Christmas day that we are expecting. Do you do that like I do? EVERY MONTH.....think about how you will tell your spouse you are pregnant? and do you ever get the chance? I certainly don't.

What happens when one of us infertile bloggers actually gets pregnant. Do we continue with our blog and turn it into something else or do we just abandon it and start a new one? How do we leave all our infertile friends behind?

But, I digress

Everything is about babies when your infertile. I received a message 2 nights ago that someone I went to H.S. with, his wife lost their baby at 4 months. How does that happen? Why does that happen? And here we are feeling jealous of the fact that she was foolish do we feel now? I wish I could reach out to her and tell her how sorry I am...but I am sure the last thing she wants is to talk to anyone.

Its coming down to the wire...When AF arrives (which she probably will) I will have to go back to my RE...either that or schedule a consult at The Reproductive Science Center for a second opinion. I don't want to do this at all...Even though I really want to have a baby with hubby...I so don't want to go to the doctor - I know I say it all the fricken time but I just want it to happen on its own. I dont know about all you but I feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

I'm Tired

Im Im exhausted!

And I dont mean from not getting sleep. I'm so tired of infertility, Im exhausted from thinking about it all the time. Thinking about how I cant seem to get pregnant but everyone else can...its literally exhausting and to be honest, Im getting so sick of it. Im so over it. Why cant I just be normal and have a baby?

Dont mind me I just feel like complaining.....

I usto read all the time and I like to read but it seems as if I cant to get through as many books as I usto because I keep swapping from my enjoyable book to infertility books. I feel like if I keep reading the infertility books I might learn something new that is going to help me..but guess what - its all the same and Im still not pregnant.

I will say though, that I have learned a few things and sometimes I do think it helps but Im sick of it...Im sick of eating infertility, sleeping infertility and living infertility.

Like I said, Im exhausted!

No offense to any of you at all but this Infertility Club royally sucks!!!