Friday, December 19, 2008

Feeling Not So Nice

I am feeling very mean and not so nice right now so I hope I don't say anything that hurts anyone. I am just in a rotten mood. I swear everyone is pregnant but me! I am almost ready to leave town and take refuge on an island and have NO ONE call me especially not to tell me they are pregnant. I just really hate life right now.
My husband was even upset cause I asked what I did in my past that would warrant this and he was like think people out there dying of cancer etc etc....wonder the same - you are not dying etc..we will get through this.
Sometimes I think maybe I should just decide not to have children cause I'm seriously so sick of this!

Can you just tell that I just got AF? I actually thought maybe I might be pregnant? How Fricken Funny is that? Just a barrel of laughs ha? I really do feel that nothing is going to work - an IUI didn't even work so what the hell is wrong with HSG test even showed such clear tubes? Maybe my body doesn't want to be pregnant or maybe my stupid body is attacking my lovely hubbies babies???

I swore I would never get like this or become obsessive BUT here I am obsessing! And If I thought the whole "just try & relax" would help then I would really try hard...I try but as you all know its just not possible...maybe if everyone in the world wasn't pregnant I might be able to not think about it for 5 seconds but that's not going to happen!

I was at the local Nashua Soup Kitchen volunteering for my friend who runs their Christmas Program. How it works is we have people or companies or churches etc that can either chose a family to adopt or just chose to donate some general items. What we then do is take the donations and make sure all the kids in the family have the same amount of gifts and make sure they got what they at least asked for. Then we bag all of them and then call the families to come pick them up.

Now I volunteer because I get joy in helping these less fortunate people but what I don't understand is if they cant afford anything why do they keep having babies and why do they get to keep having more and more? Especially when they are not able to take care of them and I cant even have one? Just one...I'm not asking for a whole lot of them just one child! I feel like such a bitch saying this and I am probably going to hell but I just don't understand.

Oh but I did make an appointment for a second opinion...we'll see how that goes.

All I have to say is Thank God I don't have to be at work for the next 2 weeks and I can just spend time with family and my nieces....I am so over wanting to be pregnant - sometimes I feel like i just want to give up....


  1. I think what you're feeling is perfectly normal- I KNOW I have those exact same feelings/thoughts all the time. IF really can make someone have feelings that are not typical of that person- jealousy, anger, resentment, failure, etc. I hate it too. But don't give up. One day, when we DO have our babies, it would have all been worth it. Sounds cliche, I know.
    And, I am expecting AF about 2 days before Christmas too... Merry Christmas to me...:(

  2. I know exactly how you feel about it seeming like everyone around you is pregnant. It really sucks! What Im hating right now is receiving Christmas cards with the baby photos in them! And of course, where do they go? My fridge because I would feel guilty if they didnt.

    Hang in there. AF came to visit me also...about 8 days late this time. That hope came crashing down.

  3. I googled infertility and found your blog within the first few minutes. I feel exactly as you do! I am 26, nothing wrong with me, nearly 3 years trying and now facing "treatment". You are not alone!!


  4. I'm so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. It's so hard to be happy when you hear about more people being pregnant. Especially at this time of year.

    I'll be getting AF on Christmas Eve...all my tests are negative. Merry Freaking Christmas. I'm expecting two more announcements in the next few weeks, and I hope I'll be happy for them. Doubt it, but I hope!

    I hope you find some peace. I'll be thinking of you.