Tuesday, November 11, 2008

At a crossroads

In 2 months it will be 2 years since I was pregnant. In 4 months it will be 2 years since our miscarriage.

I cant seem to take the most logical next step. After the miscarriage I decided I would try and get pregnant on my own because EVERYONE says that "oh most people get pregnant right after a miscarriage"...so I tried and waited every month..then December came and I started with my amazing specialist..Dr.Hughes.

Now here we are just about one year later...after 3 IUI's and no baby - not even a glimmer of a pregnancy.

Acupuncture is now 6 months in the making and although it has worked phenomenally, still no pregnancy, no baby...but I still hold out hope.

Dr.H wants me to have a Laproscopy but I cant!! I'm way to afraid of going under and I just don't think I have endometriosis so why should I have it? I cant seem to move forward...Im stuck!!! I just want to get pregnant the old fashioned way. I'm afraid of IVF too! I don't want to do IVF & its not covered by our insurance either.

I'm at a crossroads... Jack and I decided that if January comes and we are not pregnant then we are back to Dr.Hughes. I love Dr.H but I don't want to go back. I hate those 6 am appointments and the way the shots make me feel...but here we are just about mid-November and only one maybe two more cycles before its back to the grind.

Can I just not do it? But then Id never have a baby BUT if I go back to him there are no guarantees in that either. And why should I do IVF? There are no guarantees with that too! Are there any guarantees in life anymore?

Look at all those blogs of women who had stillborns or who's babies past after a few days from complications? They all thought they were past their infertility and finally on their way to a happy family and then it comes all crashing down. I cant go through that - I don't want to go through that. I know there are risks with everything and its part of the process - nothing is guaranteed (there's that word again).

Maybe that's why I'm not pregnant..because I'm focusing so much on the infertility that I'm blocking all the good pregnancy qui? hahah

Infertility is EXHAUSTING! How come no one ever tells us that?

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