Friday, October 24, 2008

Are there really any guarantees?

I just got back from another session of acupuncture. When I am there and I am laying on the table for 45 minutes I tend to think about fertility and the lack there of...the entire time negative thoughts consume my entire appointment. I have to tell you today was soo different.

Since I started this blog, which was only like 5 days ago, I'm feeling soo much better. I feel like I haven't even felt sorry for myself really once this week. I gave my acupuncturist my blog an email since she is treating quite a few women that have the same frustrations that I do and told her if she would like to post the information and tell them about the blog and if they want to email me too they certainly can. I received an email the first night!! I have never been sooo happy - I felt like what I was doing was helping another women/couple"s and that's exactly why I decided to do this. I have been so wrapped up in my blog and talking to this other women that I have honestly not thought about myself for once since I can even remember.
It feels sooo good :-)

Although on a side note.... so weird this week...I'm on day 20 and we think I ovulated somewhere between 13 & 16 and wed night I had to get up at 5am after tossing and turning because I had such abdomen cramps...and then on Thursday when I went to work I was fine and then at the end of the shift around 8 I started to feel ill again....Like wicked bloated - almost like gas pains in stomach but a little crampy too. I came home at 11 and hadn't eaten since lunch at 2pm but could not eat because even though I felt a little hungry I was nauseous and crampy and now today I'm fine - seriously??? Has anyone had the HSG test and felt like this a week later - is it screwing with my ovulation and abdomen or am I just nuts!

I will tell you that at work this week I waited on a couple - she was about 22 ( I had to card her) and she was with her fiance or husband and their two did I originally want to wait on them when I saw them at my table - no...but I had to so I did and they were soo nice and their daughter who was 3 (but told me she was 7) couldn't have been any cuter with her blond pigtails! And then last night I was waiting on this couple and asked if they would like something from the bar and he said oh she cant but i will and then I realized of course - shes fricken pregnant too! Like everyone else in the world. But I honestly thought about it for like 5 minutes and was over it.

Its like aren't we all so sick of always thinking about it but you cant help where your thoughts go. And if you like me, I have a great husband and family, I have a great job but only work 2 days a week and then I'm just doing other things but really I'm home, alone, in a quiet house so how can I not think about it.

I look at that mother that was 22 and think - well I'm just stupid! I should have started trying 5 years ago when my husband wanted to BUT, I wasn't ready! I just wasn't ready but now look at things. Really sometimes I think maybe I will just will never be pregnant and you know what frankly I obsess over that but that's not even the thing...what if I get pregnant again and miscarry again -why am I so focused on even getting pregnant when really...carrying to term is not even a guarantee.

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