Friday, March 6, 2009

Coming Clean

I was not going to share this on my blog because frankly there are a lot of people in my life that read this that are not aware of this situation. Its not because I don't want to tell them - I don't want to deal with the outcome.

No, I'm not pregnant. We decided to do one last IUI - #4... it was basically my way of pushing off IVF just a little longer..denial ya know...Our new RE said she would do more IUI..they do not like to do more than 4 really with the drugs..they do not think that is good for the body - long term effects. I was hoping where there were a lot of changes in our life that maybe this final one would work. Plus it has been 8 months since we last had any treatment.

So about 3 weeks ago I started my 75 units of Gonal-F. I respond well to the drugs..On the right I had an 18, 17, 15 (the 15 they said would probably be at 18 by the time of the IUI) and on the left (my LAZY side) I had a 15, 10. SO I triggered on Sunday the 22nd and had my IUI on Tue the 24th. It was THE BEST sample by hubby and I had an acupuncture treatment immediately before and after the insemination. I started my prometrium on wed the 23rd.

This was the worst IUI Ive ever had. I was more crampy than ever that evening...I was not feeling well...and I was SO bloated it was ridiculous. I was embarrassed to to go to work cause someone might notice. I felt not so hot the days after as well...My prometrium also made me more miserable than ever before too!!! So crampy after about 10 minutes of having it in..and I cant even tell you about my boobs...I cant even walk at night I could cry they hurt so bad...but I guess its all part of the process.

You know what sucks the most out of all of it? I don't think it worked. Last night at work I had really bad cramps and today a little off and know the period cramps you get when you know for sure she is coming! I cant believe after all that misery it most likely didn't work! ALSO - they said to treat myself as if I was drinking (not such a big deal) - no cold cuts (that's all I eat for lunch)!!! and now after all that I think I am going to get my period.

Does it ever end? Why did I think the power of positive thinking would change anything? Why did I think if I wore my lucky four leaf clover, silver necklace and my charm bracelet with all my fertility charms that it would matter...I have not taken them off since and trust me - my charm bracelet makes a ton of noise at night!

Where do I go from here? I'm still not into this IVF deal....I read all you all go through, and although some of you have been successful...its seems terribly painful, heartbreaking and I up for it? I cant even handle how I felt from this last IUI and that was nothing compared to some of you. I am just really at a crossroads.

I'm feeling jealous, betrayed, sad, mad etc...why, why, why??????? I know I have to get past it, but I'm having a hard time sometimes...I try to be positive but its really hard sometimes...

Is it just easier to give up? Its like the lesser of two evils....

Day 14 will be Tuesday but we are driving to FL right now so if she doesn't arrive by wed I will test but not til then cause I know she will be a bitch and show up early this weekend - shes just like that!


  1. Aw Melissa! I totally know how you feel in fact my most recebt posts was abotu the similar. I feel so positive but we'll see if I get a positive tomorrow! And we to just arent ready to move on the IVF boat yet...we made some decisions and for now I feel good about them but just wanted to say thinking of you and hoping you guys are able to find what makes you happy in all this crappy IF dealings!

  2. I went through this same exact thing. Last October my RE had us come in and gave us "the talk". I lost it. IVF was NOT what I was wanting to hear. I felt like we were giving up. Today, I feel comfortable with IVF. It took me a few months to figure out how I felt about it. If you're not comfortable, don't do it. Try out a new RE maybe he can do something new or fresh. You might change you mind about IVF and you might not. It's totally up to you.

  3. Oh gessh, it is so so unfair. I truly hope this worked for you. IVF isn't as bad as you might think, look at me I threw myself into it oddles of times, and looking back... it was the road that led me here and although hard, so very worth it. I really really hope you are surprised with the outcome of this IVF.