Ok so one more month from now and If Im not pregnant I have to go back to my fertility specialist. I decided to just take the summer off as you might recall but it sort of stretched until Jan. I was just loving how great I was feeling with out all the shots & early morning appointments. But its still not working. My period is soo good now that acupuncture and my herbs have gotten everything in line but its still not clicking for some reason.
So here is my dilema.....
Of all the tests Ive had they all show that I am fine. The only test that I have not had is the Laprascopy. My specialist thinks that I should have it and I have been refusing up until now. I have never had any Endo symptoms so I dont understnad why I have to have it? I DONT want to have it. I am FREAKED out beyond belief about not only going under but also having an incision in my belly button and all the other crap that goes with it.
Is it something that I should do to rule the last test out? What if it says there is nothing wrong adn Im still not getting pregnant? Should I go back to Dr.Hughes in January and do one more IUI coupled with the acupuncture and then if that one doesnt work have the laproscopy???
PLEASE HELP!!!!
Saturday, November 29, 2008
What a bad week!
So here we are on our first week back from vacation. Its not so great in the real world.
I came home sun at midnight and woke Monday to go with my parents to put my cat that we have had for 17 years to sleep. Some of you reading this will not think this is a big deal at all but to me it was one of the most monumental things Ive had to be part of in my life. I brought Sparky home 17 years ago after our other cat passed away. My mom did not want another cat but a friend had kittens and he followed me around - he was like a little spark which is how he got his name "Sparky". He was the most beautiful black furry cat ever and he had the best demeanor. He was just a wonderful cat and it makes me sick every time I think about what we had to do.
He has had cancer for about a month now and they thought the drugs might shrink it but mom said while I was in Cancun he got worse. They waited until I got home since he started out as my cat. It ended up when I moved out after H.S he stayed with them and became theirs. So they waited for me and I was not sure if I wanted to be there or not. Jack told me that I would probably regret not being there. So with my parents 10 hours after getting home from vacation I went to the vet. Mom cried almost the entire ride there. I knew she would because she loves him so much - just like another child.
The doctor said he was really sick and not going to get better....his cancer got bigger and is now probably restricting his passage ways to his tummy which is why he has lost weight. So now here's the decision....we don't want to make him suffer just because we cant seem to let go so we have to put him to sleep. Do we stay in the room? We don't want him to be alone...so Me, Mom & Dad stay and it was torture. I love him like he was my baby and the last thing I want to do is let him go. One minute hes breathing and the next hes not. It does not hurt at all at least not him but it kills the 3 of us. And just like that he is gone....and I am sooo sad still.
I'm sorry to go on for so long about this but it speaks to how bad my week has been....
Then when I get back my sister (who I work with) tells me that she has something to tell me that she doesn't want to but I should know. Now, I say OK - who's pregnant? And she tells me that a guy we work with wife's pregnant. They have been trying for maybe 3/4 months and just got married over the summer. OK..I can deal...I am happy for them.
THEN...yesterday one of my best friends from college calls me to tell me she is also pregnant...I thought that I might cry but I hold it in cause frankly she doesn't deserve it! She probably didn't even want to tell me either. But I am so happy for her as well...she is one of my best friends!
BUT I still feel like its so not fair!!! I have been trying for 2 years now and when the hell is going to be my turn? I just want to go back on vacation and not come back until I'm finally pregnant and I don't want one person to call me with news that someone else is cause frankly I cant take any more pregnancy's!!!
I came home sun at midnight and woke Monday to go with my parents to put my cat that we have had for 17 years to sleep. Some of you reading this will not think this is a big deal at all but to me it was one of the most monumental things Ive had to be part of in my life. I brought Sparky home 17 years ago after our other cat passed away. My mom did not want another cat but a friend had kittens and he followed me around - he was like a little spark which is how he got his name "Sparky". He was the most beautiful black furry cat ever and he had the best demeanor. He was just a wonderful cat and it makes me sick every time I think about what we had to do.
He has had cancer for about a month now and they thought the drugs might shrink it but mom said while I was in Cancun he got worse. They waited until I got home since he started out as my cat. It ended up when I moved out after H.S he stayed with them and became theirs. So they waited for me and I was not sure if I wanted to be there or not. Jack told me that I would probably regret not being there. So with my parents 10 hours after getting home from vacation I went to the vet. Mom cried almost the entire ride there. I knew she would because she loves him so much - just like another child.
The doctor said he was really sick and not going to get better....his cancer got bigger and is now probably restricting his passage ways to his tummy which is why he has lost weight. So now here's the decision....we don't want to make him suffer just because we cant seem to let go so we have to put him to sleep. Do we stay in the room? We don't want him to be alone...so Me, Mom & Dad stay and it was torture. I love him like he was my baby and the last thing I want to do is let him go. One minute hes breathing and the next hes not. It does not hurt at all at least not him but it kills the 3 of us. And just like that he is gone....and I am sooo sad still.
I'm sorry to go on for so long about this but it speaks to how bad my week has been....
Then when I get back my sister (who I work with) tells me that she has something to tell me that she doesn't want to but I should know. Now, I say OK - who's pregnant? And she tells me that a guy we work with wife's pregnant. They have been trying for maybe 3/4 months and just got married over the summer. OK..I can deal...I am happy for them.
THEN...yesterday one of my best friends from college calls me to tell me she is also pregnant...I thought that I might cry but I hold it in cause frankly she doesn't deserve it! She probably didn't even want to tell me either. But I am so happy for her as well...she is one of my best friends!
BUT I still feel like its so not fair!!! I have been trying for 2 years now and when the hell is going to be my turn? I just want to go back on vacation and not come back until I'm finally pregnant and I don't want one person to call me with news that someone else is cause frankly I cant take any more pregnancy's!!!
Friday, November 21, 2008
Laughing is so good for Infertiles
Were on our last 3 days of vacation in the Riviera Maya and I have to say that I have not laughed this much in I dont know how long. I mean I laugh when things are funny and I laugh and have a good time but this has been constant laughter night after night.
We have met some really great people down here that have contributed to the laughing! I know a lot of you out there are saving for IVF etc...and I should not talk because I have not gone through anything compared to a lot of people/blogs out there but I just have to say if you can scrape any money together or maybe your not saving for IVF right yet and you have a little extra money - GO ON VACATION!!!
For people like "us infertiles" this vacation has really been such a blessing...Yes, Im still infertile and I will probbaby have to do a lot of things that I dont want to come January but this vacation has made me laugh more than I have in a long time and it feels so nice.
Yes, maybe the fleeting thought has crossed my mind about how AF is supposed to arrive in 2 days (even though I feel nothing). And yes, I was/am annoyed at those preggo's here on my vacation but as the week went on those feelings faded. I am doing all those things they cant. I can drink, eat anything, get a ton of sun & even go sailing! Not that I am saying I would rather be this way but for this moment I am looking at the bright side.
Someday I will have a child - someday...BUT for now (this moment), vacation has made these things so much easier to let go of...So, if you have a little extra money - take some time for you and your husband or s/o and enjoy! Lifes so short and infertility is so exhausting!
Monday, November 17, 2008
Reporting from Cancun
Written in Journal on Nov 15th...
Im at the Secrets Silversands in The Riviera Maya, Mexico. It is our first Unlimited Luxury, Adults-Only, All-Inculsive. It is amazing!
About a week prior to leaving whenever I would say good-bye to people or guests at work and that I would not see them next week because I would be on vacation their response would be "Your going away AGAIN"!? With a strong emphasis on AGAIN..
You know what? Im nice when I respond but frankly Im completely annoyed that I have to justify this! I have NO CHILDREN! Its just me and Jack and we both work so we have the time & money to go on vacation. And you know what..if I want to treat myself to make myself feel better then I have every right! I resent it when people ask like that. Then everyone says oh well do it now cause once you have kids you wont be able to...ya no fricken kidding! Thanks for re-inforcing the no children factor.
Anyway - enough of that....
So were here and I cant believe that I had the audacity to think that MY vacation would be pregnant free...other pregnancy's - not mine! Maybe I just hoped..hoped to get away from the infertility for a little, especially on vacation.
BUT, I guess that was to much to ask for..Ive been here about 24 hours and I have already walked past 3 pregnant people. Seriously...cant they just get out of my infertility free vacaton!
At one point when I saw the 3rd one at breakfast I said to Jack - another pregnant person - maybe its my imagination? Maybe they are not actually pregnant?? Nope - not a chance...then when we went to Playa Del Carmen yesterday for the day there were pregnant women & girls everywhere!
For once - all I ask on vacation is "Stop the Insanity" and let me at least have my vacation!
From the Flight Deck
I wrote this on the plane in my journal on friday the 14th:
Finally in Dallas - made it safely..I was such a basket case for the past few days it was rediculous.
I realized a few things:
1) I will NOT be traveling when Im pregnant
2) Im not traveling after I have a baby
3) That I need some SERIOUS therapy!
Jack keeps telling me that I really need to talk to someone about this. He said its not the fear of flying that Im scared of its the irrational fear of death that I have. I think he is definitely right about that! So I think that is the first thing I am going to do when I get home - get some therapy!
So I bought some ovulation sticks before I left on http://www.babyhopes.com/ for my next cycle when I get home. I have never used them before...I have been charting for so long I thought that was enough but then a little birdy told me about them (you know who you are) and so I decided ehy its probably more accurate then charting and what could it hurt right?
Anyway, January is drawing near and Im avoiding Dr.Hughes' office like the plague..Ive got 2 more cycles I think....
Finally in Dallas - made it safely..I was such a basket case for the past few days it was rediculous.
I realized a few things:
1) I will NOT be traveling when Im pregnant
2) Im not traveling after I have a baby
3) That I need some SERIOUS therapy!
Jack keeps telling me that I really need to talk to someone about this. He said its not the fear of flying that Im scared of its the irrational fear of death that I have. I think he is definitely right about that! So I think that is the first thing I am going to do when I get home - get some therapy!
So I bought some ovulation sticks before I left on http://www.babyhopes.com/ for my next cycle when I get home. I have never used them before...I have been charting for so long I thought that was enough but then a little birdy told me about them (you know who you are) and so I decided ehy its probably more accurate then charting and what could it hurt right?
Anyway, January is drawing near and Im avoiding Dr.Hughes' office like the plague..Ive got 2 more cycles I think....
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