Drugs at work

Don't be fooled by the title....

Have you ever had to mix your drug cocktail while literally working at a bar? Nope, oh don't worry I have - Ill tell you how it goes...

Me (to my sister-my coworker): Make sure I don't forget when its 8pm to take my shot
Her: Ok
Me: What time is it?
Her: Don't worry Ill tell you if its 8pm
Me: OK
Her: Why don't you set the alarm on your cell and put it in your pocket
Me: I could but that would take too much energy
Her: Its 8pm
Me: Can you get drinks for table 2
Her: Why
Me: Cause I need to go shoot up in the ladies room
Her: Ok

Me: Picture this...Ladies room, single stall, uniform - tight jeans, black belt, white shirt tucked in. I put my bag on the hook, take out the syringe, take out the Lupron and gauze and alcohol swab. I try balancing the swab, needle and Lupron in hands as to not contaminate...it is a ladies room that is clean but one can never be too careful. I get it all set and go to put in leg and when I start I can tell Nope..hit a bad spot and start to bleed so I stick my self somewhere else...GREAT - now I'm bleeding with gauze but no band aid and I have to tuck my WHITE shirt back in while I'm bleeding..LOVE IT!!!!

I wash my hands and my sister comes in and says

Her: You ok
Me: Yeh way
Her: I felt like you were taking too long and wanted to see if you needed help
Me: No, its an easy shot
Her: Well, I was worried, wanted to make sure you didn't go into anaphylactic shock or something (her making up stuff LOL)
Me: Ill show you the size of the baby needle and you will realize, I'm just fine.
Her: Oh, okay that's tiny
Me: I know

So, don't worry if you need to do the shots at work whether it be with alcohol or actual drugs.... I can certainly help :-)

Lupron - Day 1

Oh here are the pictures of my med's that were delivered on Saturday for my first IVF round. I figured it seems like a ritual for everyone to post their med's picture when they arrive so here are mine..not too bad ha?


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I take the gauze out, the alcohol sheets and the Lupron..I open the Lupron and look at it..maybe I didn't double check things correctly? Its only one vial of solution? But, I see I'm taking only 10ml..but still looks fishy... I read the directions a few times to make sure that I am doing it right...wouldn't want to mess this up!

Seems pretty easy - I'm no stranger to mixing my own cocktails! I mix it, get the gauze ready and wipe the alcohol pad on my thigh and squeeze...SOMETHING MUST BE WRONG - it didn't hurt and was wayyyy to easy...Is it because its not like there is a lot of solution in there? I don't know...seemed way to simple..BUT, the solution was in there and I followed the directions..so Ill TAKE IT!

First day of Lupron done..The count down now begins...

A Few Thoughts

Its week 2 of my BCP's and I am experiencing some things that I never have before....About a week ago when we were in the Bahamas after being constipated from the new pre-natal pills that I decided to stop taking I noticed that I was getting some pretty serious cramping. At first I thought OK, maybe its from my anxiety (sometimes it manifest itself it different ways) or I thought maybe its my colan because of the pre-natal pill..so I sort-of just let it be..I am now a week later and its still pretty bad...actually its gotten worse. A few times it was so bad I had to stop what I was doing and put my hand over where my ovaries are.

I called the doctor to ask if that was normal and she said that having a little cramping is in fact normal and OK. Well, its gotten worse since then. How am I supposed to know what is normal and what is not. I was on the pill for about 10 years in the past and I NEVER had cramps. What do you make of it? I know there are a few of you out there that have already been through this IVF and some are in the process like myself - anyone else have cramping?

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All of my med's arrived today!!! YEAH - I think? I am not sure if you will remember but in the past - about a year ago - when I ordered my first batch my insurance did not cover these med's. As you all know, I have since bought an additional health plan for myself that covers infertility treatments along with additional pharmacy benefits. Well, last year it cost about $1200.00 for the med's, this time it costs $140.00 which was my co-pay. OMG!!! I know I am paying $400/month for this insurance but wow - its already worth it!

So I start my Lupron on Monday 10 units apparently..to be honest, the nurse called and gave me the run down on what I am supposed to do but I already forgot...hahahah...Im a little nervous since some bloggers have mentioned Lupron is not really very nice all the time and my acupuncturist said she has heard her patients say it can cause migraines..UGH!! This IVF stuff is sooo exciting - NOT!

I already have cramps, my boobs are sore and I am starting Weight Watchers again..I need to lose another 10 lbs before this cycle starts so I am not gaining too much weight from the drugs and not getting too bloated. My works clothes (since I work at a bar) are not very forgiving so I am not sure I would be able to explain the bloated belly.

Not only do we all have to deal with IF and all the emotions we have to deal with drugs that make us feel like shit...with all our medical advancements cant they come up with IVF drugs that have no side effects? hahah

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Oh, I thought it was cool, my friend told me about a web-site that has Infertility T-shirts...its called Cafe Press. Check it out - she said they have one that I totally want to get "Infertility & Your Stupid Comments" - have to love it!!!

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Moving on...its funny, over the past 2 years of TTC, even during all my IUI's I have never allowed myself to day dream. But I noticed while we were away in the Bahamas I found myself day dreaming as I feel asleep. I thought about how I would decorate the baby's room, I though about names, I thought about clothes I would buy etc...I thought about all the things that I never allow myself to think of. Is it because I feel more convinced this IVF craze could work? I am trying not to think about it that way so I'm not disappointed if it doesn't but its hard Ill tell you...I have to say this is the first time in a long time that I truly feel optimistic about our outcome. IF my first round worked I would be pregnant at the end of May...almost sounds NUTS! I am not sure how much I will let myself day dream...if anymore...its nice to think of but it can also be a let down I am not sure I am ready for.

Infertility in the Bahamas

HI everyone!

I hope you are all doing well. I am in the Bahamas - been here since Tuesday. Jack wanted to take a vacation before we started IVF and this was the only week we could go so we left last minute. I have started my BCP's and we have an appointment on May 7th for u/s & b/w and I start Lupron on April 27th.

First off I want to say that I have caught up on all the blog updates and I cant believe how many of you are now pregnant!! I am soo happy for you all and so looking forward to hearing all the updates...I am also happy to know that there is still hope for all of us still here with our BFN's. You make it seem possible and for that I am so thankful!

Ok secondly - I made a big mistake. Jack said he thought he remembered them saying that if we had intercourse it had to be with protection - I - of course, do not remember this and say why whats the big deal we are on the pill ahah...so suffice to say we had unprotected sex!!!! OMG a married couple has to be careful. WELL, I called and she told me that yes, we are not supposed to have unprotected sex...OOppppssss....laugh.....so is my cycle cancelled before it even starts? haha nope...today is only day 8 so we are safe...thank god so on to using condoms...can you believe it - after all these years trying to get pregnant we have to use condoms...Yuck! Well at least I don't have to stop this cycle...close call though!

Ok now thirdly, I know that I have said this before to you all (and this is no bearing on ANY of my pregnant friends) BUT, can I please go on vacation and NOT see another freaking pregnant belly. They are literally all over the place here...its like they all decided to come here...The first person I saw was pregnant and then it proceeded from there...I, understand that I DO NOT know what these women have gone through to get where they are...one looks about 40 and who knows could be pregnant from IVF but the others are all about my age with about 2 year olds and a big old belly...Im sorry I try to understand but sometimes I just want it not to be thrown in my face - I know they don't know but it just blows...

So I decided when I get pregnant - I'm going to go on vacation too and I am going to wear my suit so you can see my cute belly - cause you know what - after all these years I deserve to parade my belly around too!!!

Lastly, anyone who reads this that has been struggling with IF (cause I know some of my loyal followers are friends that are either pregnant or don't want to be pregnant yet) BUT - do me one favor...Go and buy the book " A Few Good Eggs" 2 chicks dish on overcoming the insanity of infertility. Out of all the books I have read - and there have been a ton! this book is THE BEST!!! Trust me...Go and order it on amazon - its soo cheap! And Enjoy - and let me know what you think....

Love you all!

SERIOUS ANXIETY

I have the worst anxiety known to man right now...Jack and I have this week off and had talked about driving to Myrtle Beach or something but its only like 55/60 degrees in Myrtle Beach so he decided lets do a last minute trip...I on the other hand HATE to fly ( as I have mentioned before) and am having such anxiety that I am literally sick to my stomach.
I didn't sleep at all last night and my eyes are so tired and I woke up and saw that he had put some information on my desk (haven't exactly booked the trip yet) and I started to cry - Ive been crying all day - I don't want to fly - ever - again!
I tried to appeal to him that I am just not into flying now with everything else going on...he's not buying it and wants to go away....Ive cried and everything. The only thing I didn't do was say - I'm sorry - but I WONT go...I feel bad - he works so hard all the time to provide for me and for the family we will someday have that I cant bare to tell him NO I CANT GO!
I tried to talk him into driving to FL again and getting on a 4 day cruise - Nope..a no go!
What am I going to do?

The doctor's office called today to give me an update and rundown of what is next.

I will start BCP's on Monday evening...
I will take the BCP's until May 4th
I will start Lupron somewhere in there (when I don't remember without the paper here)
I will then have an appointment on May 7th for baseline u/s & b/w

I cant believe I am doing IVF...I don't want to say that I am excited (even though I am) because there is only a 50% chance this will work - and that's providing they don't find that all my eggs are of poor quality (one of my many fears)...I almost don't expect anything from this...seems like when I do all I get is disappointment......

The Pill - The Pain in the But

2 weekends ago I told you all how I was going to prove everyone wrong who says "just go get drunk and have sex, you'll get pregnant"... What I didn't mention was that I had been doing new charting on Fertilityfriend.com and believe it or not...I ended up ovulating on day 19 - which happened to be Sat that I told you all we had drunk sex!!

Guess What? I was right....it doesn't work! So when people tell you to just have drunk sex you can use me as a perfect example!

So today marks day 1...I am awaiting my instructions on when I have to go in for a baseline u/s if I even do..if not, I will receive my instructions on when to start the dreaded 3 week pill. Anyone hate this process? Why is it so god dam long?

So...the pill it is - I figure if all goes according to plan retrieval should be the week of May 18th. Did I tell you I got served with Jury Duty for that week - May 20th? Yeah - really... so...I sent a letter from my doctor and my sister works at the courthouse so they are going to try and move it for me..thank god - I don't even care if it has to be the following weeks just not the week of my first IVF retrieval.

Of course, if you have been following my blog, you know what a scaredy cat I am...so I am nervous already - tell me not to be..I worried about going under and the pain after and believe it or not...everyone talks about the HUGE bloating that comes with it - NOT INTERESTED thanks.....

I'm sorry I haven't written sooner but my life's kind of boring so there is not much to report and I'm thinking you are probably not interested in me rambling about boring crap! hahah

Well, that's the update for now...Ill keep you posted.

Oh and BTW...anyone like Michael Kors? I scored these new sandals that rock at the store on sale for $60.00 SWEET - Ill post a picture when I take them out of the box. Shopping is about the only thing that keeps me sane...at least for a little while.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!

OMG !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please so over to Natalie at Relaxing Doesnt Make Babies and Congratulate her - after all she has been through - she is finally pregnant!!!

Mothers

I thought about something the other day...I was telling my BBF (Best Blogger Friend) Liv over at The Life of Liv how much my mother has done for me and what she means to me....especially through this IF journey/struggle.

For those of you that don't know me personally, my family is VERY close...I have 2 younger sisters that I talk to at least 2 times a day and I talk to my mom about 2/3 times a day. I try not to call my dad and bother him cause he is super busy at work. But we are all very close and try and even hang out together - all of us - once a week at the least.

When I got pregnant 2 years ago, my sister was the first person I told. We then invited my family over for dinner to tell them as a surprise...everyone of course was thrilled - mom had been waiting/wanting me to get pregnant for I am sure a long time. She was SOOO excited she couldn't wait to tell all her friends...which of course we told people not realizing it was too early because in all honesty - why would you think anything would go wrong...but unfortunately it did.

The day I went to the doctors I went with my sister...we were seeing the same OB (she at the time pregnant with her 2nd). Jack was working and to be honest, it was just a routine first test...I will tell you thank god she was there...my sister is not an overly emotional person (like myself) but she really tried to make me feel better and to comfort me.

I was told to pass it at home and that a D&C was not necessary since there was nothing there but an empty sac. Over the next few days I had nothing really until one day I went to work (at a new restaurant also) and had to leave cause of severe cramps.

I drove myself home 15 minutes while I cried and was in pain...(there might be a little too much TMI next) As soon as I got home I came upstairs and sat on the toilet and didn't move. I cant tell you how many times I called my mom...She just talked to me the whole time. She was going to a wake that night but kept saying that if I wanted her to come over she would head over now. I told her there was really nothing that she could do. I sat on the toilet for literally like 2 hours. I was afraid to get up - I didn't know what was going to happen or what was going to come out.

I called the nurses office and she told me that I had to get up and put a pad on to make sure I am not bleeding to much and need to go to the ER but I couldn't...After about another hour..I said Mom, maybe you could come over..she said of course, at least I can make you something to eat...so I decided I needed to be brave and get up. I put a pad on and got up. I made it down the stairs and had to run to the toilet again...I was so afraid - it felt soo wierd...

Mom was there and I sat there with the door open just sitting there...she just talked to me..I cant even tell you how long it was but she was there for me the entire time...at one point I felt something so odd...and it was like nothing I have ever seen..I freaked out - I asked her if she could please look (even though I know its so gross) because I have no idea if this is normal or not..so she did and she just said that is fine - everythings fine...I felt so much better after that and was able to get up...I went and sat on the couch...she called whomever and said that she would not be able to make the wake because she was going to stay with me...we watched a movie and she waited for Jack to come home.

Since that dreadful day - she has always been soo supportive...she asks all the time how things are, has offered to go to 6am appointments with me if Jack cant. She always says that I will have a baby...and I tell her that I am not so sure and she says - I will and that she is going to stay positive for both of us...I am glad that she says that cause I need someone to be positive for both of us.

I wanted to share this with you all because she is such a wonderdul, giving person and I wanted to let you all see that. Not only does she do all this for me...I cant even start to tell you what she does for other people.

She has literally been more than a mother to me over the past 2 years and I cant wait til the day I do have a child because I know how lucky they are going to be to have her in their life!

Thanks Mom, I love you!


P.s. I hope you all have someone in your life like my mom, whether it be your mom, an aunt, grandmother etc...take this time to thank them - they wont be around forever.

Another reason Infertility stinks!

This is what my husband just said to me....

We cant figure out what to do today because everyone we know has kids..so not only can we not have kids, we have no one to go out with cause they are all with their kids...another reason infertility sucks (that line was from me)!

My Birthday!

Its offically my 34th Birthday! Yeah for me!

A Meeting of the Infertiles

Hi Everyone...

Ya know I got to thinking the other night after a wonderful conversation with my new BBF (Blogger Best Friend) Liv over at The Life of Liv. She has become a great friend even though we have never met which led me to think of this....

What if all of us infertiles who talk all the time, comment all the time, and lend more support to eachother than anyone in RL..picked a place somewhere central and all met for a weekend. We would drink, eat, give advice, listen to the struggles, and enjoy the company of people that understand the daily fight. I think it would be a ton of fun to meet the people behind the blogs and the people behind the smiling profile photos...because we all know sometimes inside we are not as happy as the picture. But, I know this is not reality...many of you are struggling to afford IVF, some of you are current taking shots and going through IVF, some of you are starting your first IUI and some are on your third. I know we will never meet but I want you all to know...given the chance to meet you all - I would take it.