Just When You Think You Have Made Peace!

Most of you may not know this but I am a waitress and Bartender at a Steakhouse. The reason I mention that is for the purpose of this story.

She tells me yesterday that she sat me...and that she was pregnant...very pregnant that is. Of Course I'm annoyed - sometimes I don't mind at all waiting on pregnant people it just depends on the kind of day/week/month I'm having..but I was pretty cool yesterday. When I went over, I do what I ALWAYS do when I'm waiting on someone pregnant..I check to see if they are married. I know it sounds nuts but if they are it makes me feel a little better. Her and her friend ordered and I noticed she was HUGE..now I don't mean that in a mean way just an observation. I said to the my friend, the hostess, I think she is having twins..either that or she is about to give birth any minute. She said I think she is having a boy cause she is carrying so low. Neither of us wanted to ask her really? What was I going to say "are you having twins" and then she says no and it looks like I asked her cause I think shes huge! hahah

So..I said to her while I was wrapping her food up..Do you know what you are having and she said TWIN BOYS - and only has 5 more weeks to go! ha! We were both right..so I told her the conversation my friend and I were having and she was laughing...she was very sweet actually.

So I walked away and I was not upset - not in the least bit actually...I decided why should I be upset - I don't know her life story? How do I know that she had not been trying for two years? How do I know this wasn't her final IVF cycle and it worked...I know NOTHING about how she got to where she was...so instead I decided to just let it go and think shes pretty dam lucky and move on with my day.

That night (last night) I found out that there is a chance one of the girls that I work with might be pregnant...she is young - very young and not married...Then I figured after all I just told you above - I was slapped in the face. So now, IF she is pregnant (and there is a GREAT chance) then I have to watch her belly grow every time I work with her...just when you think you are moving on past hurt...something else shows up to let you know you were an idiot for thinking you could!

The hits keep on coming....I am hoping they end soon...I'm so bruised I hardly recognize myself.

The Ancient African Fertility Statues

Katie over at http://ttcfun.blogspot.com wrote an entry about these African Fertility Statues that are housed at Ripleys Believe it or Not. Now, I had never heard of them so I did some research....LOVE IT!!! They are on tour right now in Myrtle Beach and then are going back home to their resting ground in Orlando, FL.

Wouldn't it happen to be that I am going on this road trip with my husband to FL, through Myrtle Beach and Orlando..SO...as you can imagine, I told him we have to stop so I can touch them!! If you google them, you will read that there have been over 2000 pregnancies of people that have either touched them or come in contact with them in some sense...EXCITING...and very interesting!

I want to say Thank You to Katie for mentioning this on her blog because I never would have known!

You Need to Check This Site Out!!

Hi everyone...

I know, I know...I haven't written in weeks and now I write 2 days in a row!

Ok so I read a blog about the African Fertility Statues which I had NEVER heard of...I am soooo intrigued! We are going on a road trip next Thur and we are driving right through the Carolina's and through Orlando and I am going to see if I can convince my hubby to stop...hahah BUT anyway, because of this I decided to do some research on objects the symbolize fertility and I came across this video...Now, let me say I know in a nutshell how our body in terms of ovulation works but I have never seen it like this....spelled out for me...It takes a while to watch BUT you have to watch it - they even have a video of who it works while going through gonal shots with ovidrel ovulation induction...

YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT - let me know what you think...maybe you already knew all of this but I certainly did not...I thought it was fascinating!!!

Go To: www.fertilitylifelines.com

On The Left click on: Fertility Health 101

Then Click On: Basic Biology

Under That Click On: Animation

The videos are of ovulation for a full 28 day cycle, there is a natural one, and then ones that are assisted by hormone shots!

Just a mumble jumble of thoughts!

I'm sorry I have not been a good blogger lately...I really don't feel as if I have to much to write...There is nothing really going on here...I am still not ready for IVF. I give MAJOR props to all my blogger girls that are going through their 1st,2nd,3rd and even 4th round of IVF...I cant even being to wrap my head around it and they are all so brave.

Is it that I don't want to do IVF? Yes, of course, who WANTS to do it -no one, they have to...but why do we have to? I almost feel like if that is my last resort - I am not sure if I will do it. I'm just all over the map...its scary and freaky to me...I have never gone under and to me its like this black hole of time that just disappears...and even though Dr.A says its only for like 5-7 minutes that your out, I cant get past it. I know that I am being stubborn, I don't want to NEED the help to get pregnant..
Anyway...I'm just babbling about the thoughts that are going through my head...



We are going on a road trip - Jack and I have never done a road trip cause of course he would rather fly - its certainly a lot faster. BUT, if you have read any of my other posts...I HATE to fly...and not just HATE it, have such anxiety and fear about it, but I do it and I do it alot - because if I didn't, Id never get to go anywhere good! BUT, I digress...I came to jack about 2 weeks ago because we were supposed to be buying our tickets to FL to visit his parents...with his brother and sister and new baby. I told him that right now, I just could not put my body through that...I know regular anxiety that I have is not good for TTC but this brings anxiety to an ENTIRELY new level...and I did not think right now that would be good for me...He agreed right away and we decided that we would drive...can I tell you how long I have tried to get him to drive to a vacation destination (one that can obviously be driven to)!!! He agreed that right now, I need the least amount of anxiety there is...so we are going on a road trip! I'm looking forward to it and even more so cause I don't have to get on a plane!!!! hahah

On another note, I think I am doing pretty well with all the pregnancy stuff going on around me...One of my best girlfriends ( you know how you are ) just found out she is having a boy! I told her that is what I thought she was having..not that it wasn't hard, I had a 50/50 shot but I called it! I am so excited for her...I have already started to work on her gift - I would love to tell you all what my creative self is doing but I cant cause she reads this blog! hahahah

Another note...an old friend and I re-connected after a few years...she just got married and we met for lunch and I am sad to say that she too is having TTTC...she is just starting in her process at the doctors so I gave her all the tips I knew...It may SUCK to belong to this club we call infertility but at least something positive comes out of it once in awhile and that is I can help someone else with advice and tips on things to ask!

A dream and a nasty reality check!

It was a beautiful dream..I was pregnant and going into labor...I was joking with someone (don't know who it was in real life) that I looked small and to take a picture of me standing up cause I couldn't believe it...So I then started to walk around and felt like I had to go to the bathroom sooo bad and they said no, you are in labor..so then the weirdest thing happened...felt like I was in a tunnel so its to hard to explain. Then I was in the delivery room and there were all sorts of people behind me, like mom, dad, sisters etc and they were in bleachers...stadium style (SO WEIRD I KNOW) and they were talking about how they wanted to see the delivery and I was like NO WAY...and all I could think about in my dream was I don't want them to see me if I go to the bathroom (you know how they say it happens..)...then my alarm goes off.

I am on the road to my doctors appointment this morning at 8AM and I get pulled over!!! F%$*er!

Instead of going home with my new baby, I'm going home with a $150. speeding ticket.

The Fertility/Infertility gods must really be mad at me for something I did. What it is "who the hell knows...and frankly at this point, who the hell cares"!!!

Have you heard of this site???

I was just researching "Why Cant I Get Pregnant" and I found this site:

www.tipsforgettingpregnant.net

This women tells her story or trying to conceive and finally being able to do so...she says its by this simple process and years of research and you can buy her e-book for $29.00. There are some tributes to her and her process from people that it worked for...I am thinking of buying it..I mean whats another $30.00 - either a book or this...what do you think? Has anyone read this before?

When will it all be over?

Happy Friday everyone!

I am going to apologize now if I babble on....

As I have said in previous entries, I am trying to take a more positive outlook on things...I am more of a "Glass Half Empty" type of person and although I am not going to say I am changing that (cause I don't think that is possible) I am at least trying to let all this infertility stuff roll off my shoulders...most days I do a pretty dam good job - but then there are some days when I just want to curl up on the couch and cry for myself. I don't...but I sure as hell want to.

I know that all these pregnant people that are around only seem like they are all over the place because I'm more conscious of it but I could not go a day this week without hearing about something or seeing something. To be honest, I was fine through the week - even yesterday when I had to wait on a pregnant girl who could not have been more than 21...but then I was on the treadmill today (not even thinking ANYTHING about babies or pregnancy) and I start watching The View and here comes Elizabeth Hasselback - PREGNANT...I never thought it was possible to cry while running on the treadmill but let me tell you all IT IS....I just would like to spend one day not thinking about it, not seeing it - just live without "Infertility" hanging over my head.

We have an appointment Monday with the new RE to discuss DH's results (formal results). All the results we have had in the past and all the IUI's have been great.....and I am sure these will be too but what then? My results that just came back were great - all within normal range. And when his come back fine - what are we supposed to do? Walk out and think yeah!!! Why - we may be fine in the medical world but we still are not able to get pregnant. If everything is fine...why cant the fricken sperm and egg get together and adhere to the fricken wall? I really feel like saying - what the hell is the problem with all you in there?

Its partly my fault - I have not been involved in anything assisted since last May - I apparently like living in this fairy tale world where I MIGHT be able to get pregnant on my own. I mean what are even the chances? Anyone have any rough percentages? Why are my eggs and his sperm so stupid? Why cant they fight harder? Why is my body failing me?

Living with this infertility is very draining. And those that don't have it - don't understand it, they certainly don't want it - why would they...but its such a sickening feeling that can easily take over your life. And people can say all they want that once you let go it might happen...do you know what its like EVERYDAY to have a reminder that you cant get pregnant? Its all around you....and I don't care what ANYONE says - its very hard to forget about, even for a minute. Trust me I try everyday.

Is it too much to ask for it all to just be over....