Happy Friday everyone!
I am going to apologize now if I babble on....
As I have said in previous entries, I am trying to take a more positive outlook on things...I am more of a "Glass Half Empty" type of person and although I am not going to say I am changing that (cause I don't think that is possible) I am at least trying to let all this infertility stuff roll off my shoulders...most days I do a pretty dam good job - but then there are some days when I just want to curl up on the couch and cry for myself. I don't...but I sure as hell want to.
I know that all these pregnant people that are around only seem like they are all over the place because I'm more conscious of it but I could not go a day this week without hearing about something or seeing something. To be honest, I was fine through the week - even yesterday when I had to wait on a pregnant girl who could not have been more than 21...but then I was on the treadmill today (not even thinking ANYTHING about babies or pregnancy) and I start watching The View and here comes Elizabeth Hasselback - PREGNANT...I never thought it was possible to cry while running on the treadmill but let me tell you all IT IS....I just would like to spend one day not thinking about it, not seeing it - just live without "Infertility" hanging over my head.
We have an appointment Monday with the new RE to discuss DH's results (formal results). All the results we have had in the past and all the IUI's have been great.....and I am sure these will be too but what then? My results that just came back were great - all within normal range. And when his come back fine - what are we supposed to do? Walk out and think yeah!!! Why - we may be fine in the medical world but we still are not able to get pregnant. If everything is fine...why cant the fricken sperm and egg get together and adhere to the fricken wall? I really feel like saying - what the hell is the problem with all you in there?
Its partly my fault - I have not been involved in anything assisted since last May - I apparently like living in this fairy tale world where I MIGHT be able to get pregnant on my own. I mean what are even the chances? Anyone have any rough percentages? Why are my eggs and his sperm so stupid? Why cant they fight harder? Why is my body failing me?
Living with this infertility is very draining. And those that don't have it - don't understand it, they certainly don't want it - why would they...but its such a sickening feeling that can easily take over your life. And people can say all they want that once you let go it might happen...do you know what its like EVERYDAY to have a reminder that you cant get pregnant? Its all around you....and I don't care what ANYONE says - its very hard to forget about, even for a minute. Trust me I try everyday.
Is it too much to ask for it all to just be over....